Dear Roger:Fashion Tips From A Teen Boy

"You need to go shopping, and not by yourself. You need to take a chick, or me with you to show you how to shop for stuff to make you look decent and not like you want to kick someones ass."

This was what my teen son told me yesterday as he was digging through my closet trying to help me decide what I should wear on my date tonight. He has decided that I am pretty hopeless when it comes to my fashion sense. I have tried to explain to him that my fashion sense is my own, its not my fault that people like Ellen Degeneres copy it and then it gets skewed and labeled for a certain demographic that makes dating all the more difficult. Yes, most of my clothes are black or denim. Yes, there are a lots of snaps and leather and buckles involved in my clothing. Yes, I do own more than a couple of pairs a boots that may or may not need help not smelling like they just came in from a very bad crime scene. Yes, I do not own any heels, stockings, dresses or make up. My son looked through my closet and shook his head,"How in the hell do you have soo many kids?" I think that was a dig? He has been on my case lately about being more ladylike and civilized. I have genuinely tried. My Ms. Congeniality days are mostly behind me, though I did snap a little last night and take him down and out the back door when he kept harassing me while I was cooking dinner. I got him with the element of surprise and before he could launch a defense I had him off balance and out the back door squawking like a plucked chicken that I had,"Cheated".

I think he wants a mom that would be too worried about her nails to teach him Judo stuff? Who the hell knows, hes a teenager and nothing I can do is right, because I am his mom and wrong by default. He tells me to get a boyfriend,(I think that was son speak for get laid), because I have been kinda grumpy and morose lately, and hes even been pointing guys out to me! I don't quite know what to think about that. Hes supportive of me dating, and when I had said I wasn't going to date anymore a while back, he got angry with me and said that my unhappiness would scar the rest of the family! I didn't think I was unhappy? Ive been alone for over 3 years. I am pretty set in my ways and for the most part untrainable. I am awkward and inappropriate and a bit crude and I make no apologies for myself. I like my stinky boots,(not the pooped in ones), I like my jeans that fall off my ass and cause me to moon the street full of cars in front of my house. I like my weird music and my bad dancing. I like my stupid hats and ratty t-shirts. I miss some things about having a man around. I miss kissing and making out and just being touched. I damn sure miss sex, even poorly done its damn sure better with a man than solo. I miss talking to an adult male. The poor guy that took me out the other night about got his ear talked off. I miss the smell of a mans cologne and the feel of a short hair of the back of a mans neck underneath my fingers. Its a trade off sometimes. Not having to worry about shaving my legs or wearing the nice drawers,(or any on laundry days),and t-shirts without holes, doing my hair and all that. Not having to explain myself and my fiasco of a world to some poor sod who has dared to tread within, but then its lonely in here sometimes and I think that maybe, just maybe, I will shave my legs and wear the nice drawers I save for,"Special" occasions, and maybe I will remember I am Southern and that I do know a few things about a few things, including how to be a lady, at least hopefully more than my son knows.