Well crap! It seems that I am at the start of an run of extreme insomina,and let me tell you,if you thought I was a bit intense as my normal state of being, you ought to see me sleep deprived. Normally I average 4-5 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, and I function pretty well on that,but for some reason I did not sleep last night,not even a cat nap.I was wide awake all night long and unable to shut my brain down, so I watched horror movies, read and went outside and tried to get the damn herd of elk to leave so that my crazy assed dogs would shut up and quit annoying the entire neighborhood.My kid were wondering why the dogs kept freaking out and barking constantly,and they insisted that I go out and check to see why and if there were any monsters out lurking in the yard.My kids know that I have my own mom monster slayer credo and it goes as thus,"Yea though I walk through the valley of death,I will fear no evil,monster,skunk,werewolf,vampire or spider because I am the meanest and toughest mom in the valley".I am the designated monster slayer,spider killer and mouse wrangler and I am allowed to fear nothing, even though they may occasionally startle me and elicit a girly squee, I will rally and thrash them with whatever weapon I can wrangle up. But the bachelor herd of bull elk that I encountered in my yard is a whole nuther story! I am 5 feet tall, and in my doggie print jammies with with my fuzzy slippers, I weigh around 103, and even though I may feel tough, those elk were not only taller than me, they outweighed me and they were armed! I stomped my feet at them and yelled ,'SCAT"! and they stomped their feet at me and said,"Get your goofy ass back in the house', and I got. Thats another reason I gave up gardening up here because not even Fergus will mess around with a pissed off horny,herd of bachelor elk that are looking for some meal and tail. They can weigh over 800lbs and they can jump my 6ft fence like its a joke, so they are like Bambi Rambos.
I stayed up and watched a few horror movies, but really there wasnt much good on last night, so I resorted to watching youtube videos and reading more than anything. I ended up talking to some folks about my favorite horror movies and what I considered the scariest vampire movie of all time, and even though it started a huge arguement, I told them that for ME, on a personal level,"30 Days of Night" and the original "The Thing" creeped the hell out of me! I love being scared, and those hit all the marks for me because if you can imagine, I live in a place where we got 12 feet of snow, often in 3-4ft storms, im often pretty isolated when those storms hit, and when I watched those movies, I was a single mom, home alone in the wee hours with my children asleep in a rickety old house out in the country, all the neighbors were gone for the holidays, we were getting huge back to back blizzards and the power had been blinky so I had been keeping the wood stove banked up, and it was a creeepy night to being with, where the snow clouds muted all the sounds of the world surrounding me and everything seemed to have just abandoned us. I was sitting in my living room with the lights off, watching that damn vampire movie around 2 am and when it finally ended, I realized I had to go out to the woodpile to get more firewood to get us through the rest of the night. It was that night I discovered that I had Superwoman like skills and that I could make it from my porch to the woodpile and back with an armload of wood in 2 massive leaps! I swear Rog, if someone had spoken to me or if a dog had barked or something, I would have probably needed new sweatpants and snowboot liners and my shriek would still be echoing in those mountains! Its a good movie that can do that to me. The Grudge is another on that gets under my skin and it really freaks my sister right the hell out, and for years after she saw that one I could call her up and imitate the sound of that cat in the wee hours and she would just start cussing me. Im a bit of a snob when it comes to horror movies, and I will watch pretty much anything, but slasher movies really dont do much for me, and I tend to not allow those around my kids even if I watched them when I was younger. I have a horror of knives and razors, and my ex used that against me when it all went down, and I still cannot handle movies that have a lot of realistic tension and knife work, and Sweeney Todd is not something that I can watch easily and I consider it horror, but the Twilight I consider fantasy/romantic fiction, so stuff that stresses out most normal people I just go, 'eh"?I like thinking horror movies, and ones that have a good looking guy in them, even if he is a psychopath, so im really looking forward to some that are coming out in the next few months.
Im tired to the point of jumpiness now, and driving in town today was an interesting experience due to all the tourists and family members of graduating seniors in town for NAU Graduation. I swear I got behind every brain damaged sheep that was lost and incapable of reading street signs in the cosmos and the fact that I had Rammestein blasting on the stereo and blasting in my head, was not helping matters much, but I needed something to keep me awake and alert so I could complete my mission of going to Sams club, getting the groceries that the kids and the ex will need and then getting back home in one piece.My German is really getting pretty good,I sing along with quite a few of the songs, and thought I get some odd looks, its fun to work out some of the stress by rocking out, but I have found that I am not allowed to headbang and fistslam around Fergus, he gets really anxious and tends to either try and take me down or get in the middle of me first or ask guestions later. he is a strange dog, and he does not like me acting out of character and he will let me know to ,'Cut the weird crap"! He is already asleep in his pile of doggy beds, but the minute he hears me move, he gets up and comes over and puts his head on my arm as if he is checking on me. When I went through my week long jag of struggling to sleep, he was constantly at my side and it seemed as if he was watching for a seizure, and I have no doubt he would make an excellent seizure dog, and he is great when I have my worst headaches, and I know he is an excellent second in command, even if he doesnt like werewolf movies, he will just go hang out with small daughter like he usually does.
About Me
- Calamity
- Portland, Oregon, United States
- Middle aged crazy, a little on the broken side,been to hell and back and still make side trips into Purgatory to indulge the masochistic side of my personality. I'm Texan,Southern,Over-educated,arrogant, temperamental,oversexed but under-indulged.Chasing after younger men and the happiness that has eluded me for most of my life.Music and literature are my passions.Finally living the dream in my idea of Heaven.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Dear Roger,Disease,Fire,Apocalypse?No,its just another week in Arizona
Rog, Now I know why you didnt have kids of your own, the little critters are like walking petrie dishes of bacteria and foulness at times and they really pack some germs that kick some adult ass.This week has been then week from hell! Sticky managed to bring home some form of intestinal bug that made him spew shit and vomit all over the front bathroom and his bedroom.I awoke to Fergus freaking out and wanting out of the damn house, several times, so I think it even effected him, but since I was at a state of exhaustion and medicated with headache meds,I was groggy enough that I didnt notice anything until I awoke at 0500 to the most disgusting smell of baked shit. It turns out that my son had managed to somehow vomit all over the front bathroom and crap into the heating register, and let me tell you, that is a special aroma unto itsself.Its a good thing I worked in law enforcement and as a death investigator and handled decomped bodies and did autopsies on all nature of ickyness, because I think I would have otherwise just packed up the kids and dogs and tossed a match into the room. But since I dont get grossed out or freaked out by anything anymore, I had to deal with the clean up. Having kids helps you develop a strong stomach,and the types of work I have done leaves me more inclined to pick apart the stuff I see in movies rather than be disgusted or freaked out by it, I mean, after all I have had to pick through a bowl of someones bits to find a bullet before, and considering that they had been dead in the Arizona sun for a week, it was not a happy, fun, venture. Stickys fiasco in the front bathroom about put me over though.I had to scrub down a kid that was still urping and spewing both ends and try to get him re-settled, deal with 2 other kids that were both feeling ill due to the bug and the smell and pissed that they were going to miss school field trips and disgusted with their brother for his fouling of the kids bathroom, all before I had even one cup of coffee.
If the day did not start off interesting enough,the State,(in their infinite wisdom) decided to send a couple of welders to work on a stock tank on a plateau above my house without adequate supervision, and they set off a really nice wildfire and it looked like we might have to evacuate for awhile. The fire is still burning and has even jumped 89, but hopefully with the wind being mellow today, it will get put out before it turns back towards thicker fuel and my house.The wind yesterday was blowing up to 50 mph gusts and actually I thought the fure was a so-called "Controlled Burn" as the Forest circus calls them, or as us homeowners call them,"Make damn sure your insurance is up to date burns" because they always seem to wait until the wind is blasting at insane levels before they light one off.
The kids and I have just piled up on either my bed or on the couches in the living room, watching the Underworld Trilogies and Vampire movies, arguing about who is the most bad ass or powerful, and laughing at our goofy cat that seems to have totally lost her mind due to the growls of werewolves blasting out of the surround sound. She jumped to the top of the bookshelf in the living room, and poofed out her fur,yowling and looking freaked out until I muted it for a second and then she took off down the hall.The dogs dont seem to enjoy it either, but Fergus has had a more interesting reaction, ever my protector; the big ole beast has stationed himself at my right side and occasionally whines and growls when the battles go on and he gets all worked up and tries to get into my lap when I get a little to animated at the battle scenes or argue with Stubby about who is the more ,'Wicked/badass" of the supernaturals. Having kids with above average intelligence can be both a blessing and a curse sometimes,blessing in that we can have some really interesting and in-depth conversations about things like supernatural mythology and what is the more powerful critter,and even movie-making technology and special effects, but a curse in the fact that I cannot get away with much anymore, they just do not accept,"Because I said so" as a reason, they question me, and even my so-called ,"Special needs, crap in the heater vent" kid, challenges me to think outside the box. Sticky was playing video games yesterday and I distinctly heard him say,"Bloody freaking Hell would you DIE already?" as he was shooting at some alien creature. I just froze in my tracks as I was making my way down the hall and I stepped into his room and told him that he shouldnt talk like that, and he looks at me and says,'Why?" and I told him that its not nice and hes not British so he really cant talk that way, so he should stop,(we really need to lay off the Monty Python and such), but he wasnt going to let it go and he says again,'Why?" and hes not being a smart ass because even though he is above average for a kid with Downs Syndrome, he still has limits to what he understands, its like navigating a mine field on a broken pogo stick talking around him, you never know what he is going to retain and parrot back to someone at the worst possible time.
My baby girl has spent the past couple of days painting brilliant watercolor paintings and coming out to watch the ,'Scary, naked, werewolf dude" on occasion with me and her brothers.All the kids bail during any sex scenes on my command, so they dont see really any nudity, but anybody with their shirt off equal naked to her, thus the label.My kids all run around in nothing but their chone's most of the time,so its kind of ironic that she considers shirts off as ,'naked", but my kids are weird. I have gotten them to keep their clothes on in public a little better, though Sticky is still the worst about stripping down to nothing the minute we arrive home in the afternoon, and the cold still doesnt bother him like most kids, so I have had to retrieve him from the front yard, out in the snow clad only in boxers and snow boots more than once this winter, I dont know where he gets the desire to be naked all time, but I hope he outgrows it before he gets much bigger and I have to wrestle him down to dress him more than I already do.
Ive been writing a little, but working on my school paperwork and dealing with my infernal economic issues has kept pen from hand much of this week, its hard to really focus on my writing when keeping food on the table is a more pressing issue.I have sought a job from time to time this week, but it is not an easy endevour in this town,of nearly 20% unemployment, and im considered over-educated, over-qualified, and due to my misanthropic tendencies I am rather difficult to place. I have considered going back to teaching,but that will not be feasible until school starts back up in August. I am working on some art, mainly stonework and necklaces, so perhaps I will sell some of that to pay a few bills.
My counselor has been probing into some of my mental fuckery that goes beyond my PTSD,or perhaps is even connected to another event, but she started digging into a wound that has not healed for close to 30 years, and that was the death of that boy in East Texas that crushed me soo totally.I guess grief and mourning are things that when not handled properly, really fuck you up at a fundamental level, because when she poked that wound by asking about the first man I ever loved, my heart felt like it burned as I choked out his name, and it was a good 5 minutes before I could unclench my jaw enough to tell the entire story about his death, and I could not get out all of it without feeling like I was gasping for the very breath of life and failing to find it.I had bloody half-moons in the palms of my hands from where my fingernails dug into them as I attempted to not break completely down during the tale,and I failed, I cried as she sat there gently coaxing my memories out of me and I realized that I have never been allowed to grieve for anyone I have lost, including you and though I cannot allow myself to wallow in the misery that is loss, I have to find a way to resolve all the pain and anguish that I have felt over the years,because one of these days the game of chicken that I have been playing with death is going to end, and its not going to be in my favor.I asked a friend of mine to find his resting place, and she did, so I may have to take a trip home to Texas this summer, just to resolve some of the pain.I need to tell him how much I miss him and what he ment to me, and now that the man who murdered him is finally dead, I need to show him how I feel.Guess a roadtrip is in order.
If the day did not start off interesting enough,the State,(in their infinite wisdom) decided to send a couple of welders to work on a stock tank on a plateau above my house without adequate supervision, and they set off a really nice wildfire and it looked like we might have to evacuate for awhile. The fire is still burning and has even jumped 89, but hopefully with the wind being mellow today, it will get put out before it turns back towards thicker fuel and my house.The wind yesterday was blowing up to 50 mph gusts and actually I thought the fure was a so-called "Controlled Burn" as the Forest circus calls them, or as us homeowners call them,"Make damn sure your insurance is up to date burns" because they always seem to wait until the wind is blasting at insane levels before they light one off.
The kids and I have just piled up on either my bed or on the couches in the living room, watching the Underworld Trilogies and Vampire movies, arguing about who is the most bad ass or powerful, and laughing at our goofy cat that seems to have totally lost her mind due to the growls of werewolves blasting out of the surround sound. She jumped to the top of the bookshelf in the living room, and poofed out her fur,yowling and looking freaked out until I muted it for a second and then she took off down the hall.The dogs dont seem to enjoy it either, but Fergus has had a more interesting reaction, ever my protector; the big ole beast has stationed himself at my right side and occasionally whines and growls when the battles go on and he gets all worked up and tries to get into my lap when I get a little to animated at the battle scenes or argue with Stubby about who is the more ,'Wicked/badass" of the supernaturals. Having kids with above average intelligence can be both a blessing and a curse sometimes,blessing in that we can have some really interesting and in-depth conversations about things like supernatural mythology and what is the more powerful critter,and even movie-making technology and special effects, but a curse in the fact that I cannot get away with much anymore, they just do not accept,"Because I said so" as a reason, they question me, and even my so-called ,"Special needs, crap in the heater vent" kid, challenges me to think outside the box. Sticky was playing video games yesterday and I distinctly heard him say,"Bloody freaking Hell would you DIE already?" as he was shooting at some alien creature. I just froze in my tracks as I was making my way down the hall and I stepped into his room and told him that he shouldnt talk like that, and he looks at me and says,'Why?" and I told him that its not nice and hes not British so he really cant talk that way, so he should stop,(we really need to lay off the Monty Python and such), but he wasnt going to let it go and he says again,'Why?" and hes not being a smart ass because even though he is above average for a kid with Downs Syndrome, he still has limits to what he understands, its like navigating a mine field on a broken pogo stick talking around him, you never know what he is going to retain and parrot back to someone at the worst possible time.
My baby girl has spent the past couple of days painting brilliant watercolor paintings and coming out to watch the ,'Scary, naked, werewolf dude" on occasion with me and her brothers.All the kids bail during any sex scenes on my command, so they dont see really any nudity, but anybody with their shirt off equal naked to her, thus the label.My kids all run around in nothing but their chone's most of the time,so its kind of ironic that she considers shirts off as ,'naked", but my kids are weird. I have gotten them to keep their clothes on in public a little better, though Sticky is still the worst about stripping down to nothing the minute we arrive home in the afternoon, and the cold still doesnt bother him like most kids, so I have had to retrieve him from the front yard, out in the snow clad only in boxers and snow boots more than once this winter, I dont know where he gets the desire to be naked all time, but I hope he outgrows it before he gets much bigger and I have to wrestle him down to dress him more than I already do.
Ive been writing a little, but working on my school paperwork and dealing with my infernal economic issues has kept pen from hand much of this week, its hard to really focus on my writing when keeping food on the table is a more pressing issue.I have sought a job from time to time this week, but it is not an easy endevour in this town,of nearly 20% unemployment, and im considered over-educated, over-qualified, and due to my misanthropic tendencies I am rather difficult to place. I have considered going back to teaching,but that will not be feasible until school starts back up in August. I am working on some art, mainly stonework and necklaces, so perhaps I will sell some of that to pay a few bills.
My counselor has been probing into some of my mental fuckery that goes beyond my PTSD,or perhaps is even connected to another event, but she started digging into a wound that has not healed for close to 30 years, and that was the death of that boy in East Texas that crushed me soo totally.I guess grief and mourning are things that when not handled properly, really fuck you up at a fundamental level, because when she poked that wound by asking about the first man I ever loved, my heart felt like it burned as I choked out his name, and it was a good 5 minutes before I could unclench my jaw enough to tell the entire story about his death, and I could not get out all of it without feeling like I was gasping for the very breath of life and failing to find it.I had bloody half-moons in the palms of my hands from where my fingernails dug into them as I attempted to not break completely down during the tale,and I failed, I cried as she sat there gently coaxing my memories out of me and I realized that I have never been allowed to grieve for anyone I have lost, including you and though I cannot allow myself to wallow in the misery that is loss, I have to find a way to resolve all the pain and anguish that I have felt over the years,because one of these days the game of chicken that I have been playing with death is going to end, and its not going to be in my favor.I asked a friend of mine to find his resting place, and she did, so I may have to take a trip home to Texas this summer, just to resolve some of the pain.I need to tell him how much I miss him and what he ment to me, and now that the man who murdered him is finally dead, I need to show him how I feel.Guess a roadtrip is in order.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Dear Roger, Say What?
You know, I hate it when my parents are right about shit. You never really nagged me about how loud I listened to my music, because after being in your car with you a few times, I knew that not only did I come by my roadrage tendency honestly, I also realized that my need to not only hear but to feel the music probably came from you.I love my music so damn loud that I feel the vibration of it through my soul, and that has probably cost me just a little.From the mustang with the 12 speakers and the 1200 watt amp in the trunk that was heard before it was seen, to the Ozzy concert in '86 in Shreveport where I was stationed in front of that enormous stack of speakers that gave me the BEST show of my life but left me functionally deaf for over a week, to the years in ambulances and squad cars and on firing ranges with no or inadequate hearing protection, I have totally jacked up my damn hearing. It really stinks getting older, I mean not only do I have to deal with things trying to migrate to the Southern hemisphere, and errant grey hairs that pop up in the damndest places, but now my eyes bug me and I have realized that I often think that people mumble! I dont often admit I am getting older, and I really try not to act my age, after all, I enjoy many of the things that my kids enjoy and that helps to keep me young, but all the crap I did to my body when I was younger and convinced I was going to die before I was 30, has really come back to kick me in the ass. I have had a shoulder re-build, bone spurs removed out of my neck and shoulder, work done on my lower spine and facet injections in my spine and neck to keep the pain at a dull roar, and I need to have my left knee rebuilt and my right wrist and God knows what else, but I figure considering the motorcycle wrecks, the brawls, and all the mess I got into as a firefighter, its probably a small price to pay, but my hearing going is really bugging me and the damn tinnitus is maddening. I love my music, and I have gotten rid of vehicles that had cruddy sound systems just because I could not deal with not being able to listen to my tunes, its as important to me as reading and writing and I guess breathing. My kids are almost as bad, and if they are being punks in the morning or on the way home all I have to do is tell them,"NO MUSIC" and they straighten right the hell up. We even sing along. I hope to be able to take my oldest to his first concert pretty soon, and even though I may not hear it as well,I know I will feel it. I wish I had taken him to the Rob Zombie concert that we had up here a couple of years ago, I know we would have been down in the pit and I would have been waay more jacked up than I was once it was all over, but we would have had such a blast.
I am supposed to wear glasses nowadays, but let me tell you, wearing trifocals is a huge pain in the ass and half the damn time I feel like I am a little drunk due to the constant shifting between near/far and further away and its really disconcerting to try and look at someone through them, and frankly they make me look like a bit of a dork. When I wear one of my hats to keep the sun from blasting me, I look like some East German refugee, slumming around the Rez land on the prowl for some touristy action, so I dont wear them as much as I should. I still read waay more than normal people, and last month I probably put away over 40 books, and quite a few of a new genre called Fan Fiction which is a type of story that is based off of popular characters in a current series that other authors poach and then set in new stories, its not quite plagarism, but it comes pretty damn close in some cases, and it probably could not exist without the internet. I have learned some interesting things and new lingo while reading "fan Fiction" and some of it leaves me shaking my head, like a "Lemon" is a sex scene, a "Unicorn" is an orgasm, Slash is basically same sex, sex scenes and let me tell you Rog, those are often like bad car accidents, you dont want to look,but you cannot help yourself and afterwards you just feel kinda dirty and I dont think I will ever look at the Cullen boys the same again, but mostly what I read are original ideas and thats also what I am writing, so I feel clean, but its hard to find the time and space to get pen to paper this week, and I dont write my novel on the computer, Im a dinosaur when it comes to that, and its just how I roll. My muse has been in my mind, and I am aching to get some more of him out, but the kids are chomping at the bit for the end of the school year and they are not wanting to sleep or stop fighting or flush the tolites or leave the dogs alone or you name it.
Twittering is still a learning experience, I have found the most amazing people on there and I find it addicting and also therapeutic,I mean, I go for hours with no one to talk to, and Fergus is really tired of my talking to him, and when he tries to answer we both end up frustrated and drooled upon, so being able to get my random shit just thrown out into the universe where someone may or may not give a damn about it, is kinda fun. Its like Russian roulette without the potential committment.
The damn wind is blowing again and once again I totally screwed a chance to ask JR out. I suck, im a coward and I am never going to get any at this rate. On the bright side, I decided to give the Size 0 Oakely jeans to this nice gal that works at the store who is always kinda broke, shes young enough to not look ridiculous wearing them and I keep the potential embareASSment for my kids to a minimum.
I am supposed to wear glasses nowadays, but let me tell you, wearing trifocals is a huge pain in the ass and half the damn time I feel like I am a little drunk due to the constant shifting between near/far and further away and its really disconcerting to try and look at someone through them, and frankly they make me look like a bit of a dork. When I wear one of my hats to keep the sun from blasting me, I look like some East German refugee, slumming around the Rez land on the prowl for some touristy action, so I dont wear them as much as I should. I still read waay more than normal people, and last month I probably put away over 40 books, and quite a few of a new genre called Fan Fiction which is a type of story that is based off of popular characters in a current series that other authors poach and then set in new stories, its not quite plagarism, but it comes pretty damn close in some cases, and it probably could not exist without the internet. I have learned some interesting things and new lingo while reading "fan Fiction" and some of it leaves me shaking my head, like a "Lemon" is a sex scene, a "Unicorn" is an orgasm, Slash is basically same sex, sex scenes and let me tell you Rog, those are often like bad car accidents, you dont want to look,but you cannot help yourself and afterwards you just feel kinda dirty and I dont think I will ever look at the Cullen boys the same again, but mostly what I read are original ideas and thats also what I am writing, so I feel clean, but its hard to find the time and space to get pen to paper this week, and I dont write my novel on the computer, Im a dinosaur when it comes to that, and its just how I roll. My muse has been in my mind, and I am aching to get some more of him out, but the kids are chomping at the bit for the end of the school year and they are not wanting to sleep or stop fighting or flush the tolites or leave the dogs alone or you name it.
Twittering is still a learning experience, I have found the most amazing people on there and I find it addicting and also therapeutic,I mean, I go for hours with no one to talk to, and Fergus is really tired of my talking to him, and when he tries to answer we both end up frustrated and drooled upon, so being able to get my random shit just thrown out into the universe where someone may or may not give a damn about it, is kinda fun. Its like Russian roulette without the potential committment.
The damn wind is blowing again and once again I totally screwed a chance to ask JR out. I suck, im a coward and I am never going to get any at this rate. On the bright side, I decided to give the Size 0 Oakely jeans to this nice gal that works at the store who is always kinda broke, shes young enough to not look ridiculous wearing them and I keep the potential embareASSment for my kids to a minimum.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dear Roger,Getting Sprung
It was a GLORIOUS DAY! Holy cow, no wind, no snow, no rain, and it was a flat out sunny day where I knew I had to wear my sun glasses, so I broke out not only my biggest and baddest cop style shades, but I also wanted to get some sun on the body. I got my nicest size 3 jeans out, my black retro Phat Baby boots and I busted out a black wife beater and my black leather dominatrix leather vest to go with. I mussed my hair up very carefully and I headed to town. I dropped the kids at school, and I jammed all the way in, singing along with the Pixies,"Where is my mind" and even some Robert Earl Keen, just savoring being a free, adult, woman for a few moments. I went and saw my friend that I am going to Scottsdale with next week for a conference, and she was shocked and pleased to see the change in me. I am gearing up to fully slam into my return to the land of the living. I have FRIENDS, people I like and who I make contact with.I even have gotten over my aversion to physical contact and I bump fists and hug and sit next to people who bump into me and I dont cringe or jump away. I bump back and I laugh.
Parking the van downtown and getting out by myself and walking the street to Martans was both terrifying and empowering, I got FLIRTED WITH! He couldnt have been more than 24 or 25 and he was adorable, and a Texan, and I wish I had offered to buy him breakfast or something, but I just chatted at him for a few and them went on my way, but with a decided snap in my Victoria Secrets! I had a great breakfast and then I went to a shp looking for a heavy bag to buy so that I could have something to pummel and work out some of my physical stress and frustration, but it seems that there is not one to be found in this town right now.
I then went to the feed store to get things for the guinea pigs and to see if the Navajo man I have a massive crush on was at work, as well as to visit with my friend who is the owner of place, and sure enough, he was there and I promptly vapor locked when he smiled at me. I dont know if he knows I like him, I have tried to give him hints, and we have had a good friendship for a few years, but UGH! I really would like to take him out. He has the smokey good looks of Lou Diamond, the gravely voice of Wes Studi and he is just such a calming presence that I enjoy talking to him, but I get all stupid when it comes to trying to express to him the fact that I find him very interesting, so I had to cut short my visit with my friend and scat like a scalded cat before I embarassed myself by either falling into the bin of turkey chicks or running into the animal cages.
I came home and worked around the house a little and treated the wound on one of my St Bernards, she got hurt by her sister and her neck has still not healed because her sister keeps licking it and keeps it moiste, so I have had to put her on antibiotics,and clean it, but trying to treat a furry, hyper, hurting, drooly, monster while her twin does her best to get in your lap, means that a clothing change is in order. I did find out today that I can wear a size ZERO in Oakley jeans, holy crap Batmsn! I am 41 years old, I have birthed 5 babies, 4 of them the old fashioned way, I have jacked up my body in ways that are unimaginable to most normal people who are not crash test dummies, and I can wear a size ZERO! After I put them on, I stood there looking at them and I thought about it, and while I can wear them, it comes down to a judgement call. While I can totally rock the Oakleys, the question is ,Should I? they sit low on my butt and they look painted on, and the term ,'Coin Slot" definantly comes to mind. Does anyone want to see a 41 year old soccer mom from hell Victoria Secrets hanging out the back of her pants? I dont even have a tatto back there ...yet.
Parking the van downtown and getting out by myself and walking the street to Martans was both terrifying and empowering, I got FLIRTED WITH! He couldnt have been more than 24 or 25 and he was adorable, and a Texan, and I wish I had offered to buy him breakfast or something, but I just chatted at him for a few and them went on my way, but with a decided snap in my Victoria Secrets! I had a great breakfast and then I went to a shp looking for a heavy bag to buy so that I could have something to pummel and work out some of my physical stress and frustration, but it seems that there is not one to be found in this town right now.
I then went to the feed store to get things for the guinea pigs and to see if the Navajo man I have a massive crush on was at work, as well as to visit with my friend who is the owner of place, and sure enough, he was there and I promptly vapor locked when he smiled at me. I dont know if he knows I like him, I have tried to give him hints, and we have had a good friendship for a few years, but UGH! I really would like to take him out. He has the smokey good looks of Lou Diamond, the gravely voice of Wes Studi and he is just such a calming presence that I enjoy talking to him, but I get all stupid when it comes to trying to express to him the fact that I find him very interesting, so I had to cut short my visit with my friend and scat like a scalded cat before I embarassed myself by either falling into the bin of turkey chicks or running into the animal cages.
I came home and worked around the house a little and treated the wound on one of my St Bernards, she got hurt by her sister and her neck has still not healed because her sister keeps licking it and keeps it moiste, so I have had to put her on antibiotics,and clean it, but trying to treat a furry, hyper, hurting, drooly, monster while her twin does her best to get in your lap, means that a clothing change is in order. I did find out today that I can wear a size ZERO in Oakley jeans, holy crap Batmsn! I am 41 years old, I have birthed 5 babies, 4 of them the old fashioned way, I have jacked up my body in ways that are unimaginable to most normal people who are not crash test dummies, and I can wear a size ZERO! After I put them on, I stood there looking at them and I thought about it, and while I can wear them, it comes down to a judgement call. While I can totally rock the Oakleys, the question is ,Should I? they sit low on my butt and they look painted on, and the term ,'Coin Slot" definantly comes to mind. Does anyone want to see a 41 year old soccer mom from hell Victoria Secrets hanging out the back of her pants? I dont even have a tatto back there ...yet.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Dear Roger,My Kids Sell Me Out At Every Chance They Get, and Im Still Expected To Feed Them?
Well Rog, this week is off with a bang, it finally stopped snowing and it was weirdly sunny and warm as only it can be in Arizona, so I got to enjoy being outside running errands, though I was dressed for colder weather. I made the kids dress up today and though they grumbled about being made to wear khaki pants with button down shirts and their black vests and converse shoes, the cuteness factor was off the scale, and amazingly, the Stinky Princess decided to wear jeans today,(I thought surely Hell had frozen over), but she was in full battle girl mode so I let her pick out her clothes and she opted for jeans and a pink shirt instead of her typical princess Barbie style dress.
We had a decent weekend, even though we had to spend most of it trapped indoors due to the snow and wind so we played video games and watched movies and I read and set up the sure sign of the end of days, a Twitter account. siiiiiggggghhhh....I had SWORN I was not going to do it, I made fun of all the self important "Twats" as I called them that had accounts,drabbling on about every little thing they did during the day, I harassed my son about his account, teasing him and asking him if he was going to tweet each time he farted during the day and cause the site to crash or if he was going to follow every vapid hollyweird twat out there,but ohhh how the mighty have fallen! I have been bored and lonely and I blame the MONKEYS!!Those darn 100 Monkeys and their tour, that was what broke me and I caved, so I went to the sight and I signed up and then I got curious,(I only took one drag on the cig...honest), and the next thing you know I got all these suggestions for people to follow so I thought, 'What the hell,hes cute, hes funny, hes British,(you KNOW I love the Brits) and then art and publishing and all kinds of stuff popped up" and then I realized that I could just say all kinds of random crap that pops into my head during the worst of my insomnia or solitude and I could put it out there for whomever to read and either laugh at or go,"DAMN! shes whacked!" Its been kinda fun and its a little addicting, and now I have it on my cell phone.
My kids are not like typical kids, they have been through quite a bit of horror in their short lives, and their lives are not typical happy Teletubbie lives, so when they sit and watch movies with me, I tend to let them decide what freaks them out or disturbs them to the point of wanting to leave or being scared, after all, not many 6 year olds have seen their mom have her ass kicked by their dad and then a straight razor taken to her in front of them, so vampires and werewolves and ghosts dont usually phase them, but my daughter decided that after watching movies like,"Pans Labrynith"(freaked me out a little) and 'The Messengers",(also pretty intense), she decided that the Underworld movies freaked her the hell out! What the hell? Those are mine and the boys favorite creature features and we were enjoying them at ear bleed level on our new discs, when all of the sudden she looks at me and says,"I dont like that naked,scary wolf guy!!" and jets from the room.What the hell?? So all action stops and we freeze the movie, and we all have a sit down and discussion about real vs fake and actors and play acting and all that and she was cool about after she realized he is in fact someones daddy and all that, and just a British actor who even does voices for Tinkerbell movies, and plays Aro,(again freaking her out), but I guess we all have just those certain actors that either make us shudder or twitch in just the right way, and Christopher Walken has always creeped me out and I adore him for it, and maybe she will grow up to appreciate this guy for his ability to inspire some kind of adrenaline response in her, I hope so, because the man is the face of my muse and its kinda funny that it inspires a response in her, becasue in me it just make me want ot WRITE! She dimed me off though Rog, she freaking told her teacher for class news today that this weekend we watched the Underworld movies and,"The scary naked wearwolf guy creeped me out", and now her teacher thinks I am some kinda terrible mom for letting her watch naked dudes. Its bad enough that Sticky and Stubby walk around singing 'Reaper" or the "Monkey SOng" which Stubby has totally memorized and even has formulated a dance to go with, but now they are letting people know that we watch inappropriate movies.
I really do try to shield them from some of the gnarly stuff out there, I dont listen to rap, I dont smoke or drink around them and I dont have any kind of social life, in fact I havent been laid for close to 2 years and let me tell you there are days.I keep my personal equipment out of reach,sight and mind, and I dont even really have any ,'Personal" time so that doesnt even occur so when the ex starts making fun of me for pointing out Alexander Skarsgaard a little too happily, I being ironic when I said that if, I did in fact have an "O" in the near future, he would most likely figure prominantly in it happening.Duracell thy name is friend. Yup Rog, its come to that,so to speak, one truly is the lonliest number, but I am working on a solution, I am going to be loose on campus very soon and I have plans.I dated a younger man a while back and I enjoyed it, and a 25 year old asked me for my number a short time ago, and if he had a job, he would have gotten it, but since I was not looking for another child to raise and support, but there are plenty of young men on campus and I have to think that its like throwing a handful of darts at a board, somethings gotta stick, or at least be fun to chase around for a little while, I saw the cutest German boy today...
We had a decent weekend, even though we had to spend most of it trapped indoors due to the snow and wind so we played video games and watched movies and I read and set up the sure sign of the end of days, a Twitter account. siiiiiggggghhhh....I had SWORN I was not going to do it, I made fun of all the self important "Twats" as I called them that had accounts,drabbling on about every little thing they did during the day, I harassed my son about his account, teasing him and asking him if he was going to tweet each time he farted during the day and cause the site to crash or if he was going to follow every vapid hollyweird twat out there,but ohhh how the mighty have fallen! I have been bored and lonely and I blame the MONKEYS!!Those darn 100 Monkeys and their tour, that was what broke me and I caved, so I went to the sight and I signed up and then I got curious,(I only took one drag on the cig...honest), and the next thing you know I got all these suggestions for people to follow so I thought, 'What the hell,hes cute, hes funny, hes British,(you KNOW I love the Brits) and then art and publishing and all kinds of stuff popped up" and then I realized that I could just say all kinds of random crap that pops into my head during the worst of my insomnia or solitude and I could put it out there for whomever to read and either laugh at or go,"DAMN! shes whacked!" Its been kinda fun and its a little addicting, and now I have it on my cell phone.
My kids are not like typical kids, they have been through quite a bit of horror in their short lives, and their lives are not typical happy Teletubbie lives, so when they sit and watch movies with me, I tend to let them decide what freaks them out or disturbs them to the point of wanting to leave or being scared, after all, not many 6 year olds have seen their mom have her ass kicked by their dad and then a straight razor taken to her in front of them, so vampires and werewolves and ghosts dont usually phase them, but my daughter decided that after watching movies like,"Pans Labrynith"(freaked me out a little) and 'The Messengers",(also pretty intense), she decided that the Underworld movies freaked her the hell out! What the hell? Those are mine and the boys favorite creature features and we were enjoying them at ear bleed level on our new discs, when all of the sudden she looks at me and says,"I dont like that naked,scary wolf guy!!" and jets from the room.What the hell?? So all action stops and we freeze the movie, and we all have a sit down and discussion about real vs fake and actors and play acting and all that and she was cool about after she realized he is in fact someones daddy and all that, and just a British actor who even does voices for Tinkerbell movies, and plays Aro,(again freaking her out), but I guess we all have just those certain actors that either make us shudder or twitch in just the right way, and Christopher Walken has always creeped me out and I adore him for it, and maybe she will grow up to appreciate this guy for his ability to inspire some kind of adrenaline response in her, I hope so, because the man is the face of my muse and its kinda funny that it inspires a response in her, becasue in me it just make me want ot WRITE! She dimed me off though Rog, she freaking told her teacher for class news today that this weekend we watched the Underworld movies and,"The scary naked wearwolf guy creeped me out", and now her teacher thinks I am some kinda terrible mom for letting her watch naked dudes. Its bad enough that Sticky and Stubby walk around singing 'Reaper" or the "Monkey SOng" which Stubby has totally memorized and even has formulated a dance to go with, but now they are letting people know that we watch inappropriate movies.
I really do try to shield them from some of the gnarly stuff out there, I dont listen to rap, I dont smoke or drink around them and I dont have any kind of social life, in fact I havent been laid for close to 2 years and let me tell you there are days.I keep my personal equipment out of reach,sight and mind, and I dont even really have any ,'Personal" time so that doesnt even occur so when the ex starts making fun of me for pointing out Alexander Skarsgaard a little too happily, I being ironic when I said that if, I did in fact have an "O" in the near future, he would most likely figure prominantly in it happening.Duracell thy name is friend. Yup Rog, its come to that,so to speak, one truly is the lonliest number, but I am working on a solution, I am going to be loose on campus very soon and I have plans.I dated a younger man a while back and I enjoyed it, and a 25 year old asked me for my number a short time ago, and if he had a job, he would have gotten it, but since I was not looking for another child to raise and support, but there are plenty of young men on campus and I have to think that its like throwing a handful of darts at a board, somethings gotta stick, or at least be fun to chase around for a little while, I saw the cutest German boy today...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Dear Roger, Dating Duracell is not as fun as it sounds.
Its STILL SNOWING here in Flagstaff! Cabin fever is starting to get to everyone and people are edgy and grumpy.Im pretty sick of being stuck in the house, but with the wind and the snow and being broke all the damn time, there is not much else to do other than stay home and try and work on getting back into school and write my novel.
Now that I have found my muse, its become a lot easier to write, and I often dream of him, so the story has advanced pretty fast after being stuck for so many years.I still have to name him, but that is going to require some research into not only our family history, but also Native American and Celtic lore and then I have to make a decison about what he is. Its really interesting that when my eldest son called the other day, I was in a joyous mood because I had found the face of my muse, or his avatar, and when I was trying to explain how that helped my as a writer to feel more comfortable and inspired in the process, my son actually GOT IT! I have tried to explain the concept of a muse to adults and they have looked at me like I suddenly grew a second head, yet my 14 year old,walking hormone,jock, son understood what the hell I was talking about.He is truely a special kid and I still hope that he will change his mind about being an actor, I simply cannot handle the thought of people exploiting him or being cruel to him or even being rude to him, I am so psychotically over-protective that I think I would spend a great deal of time seeking to thrash the living daylights out of people who hurt him. I got my vengence on his step-father, so I dont say this lightly.He is quite the athlete, already running a 4.40 mile and he is as aggressive at soccer and football as I ever was and he is a natural musician,already playing bagpipes,violin,viola,and guitar and he is an excellent student when he wants to be, but with girls chasing him constantly, he tends to get distracted easily and I fear that his good looks will be his undoing. He has grown quite a bit since he has been gone, and he is already 5'9 and 155! He left here a child and is returning a full-grown man who finds it amusing to tease me about my lack of a social life!He teases me about being a ,"Cougar" because I happen to enjoy watching movies with younger men in them and I have commented about a couple of them and he just loves to remind me that they are either close to his age or that he has been told that he looks like certain actors...soo disturbing! I finally got him to quit straightening his hair, so his beautiful natural curls are being allowed to show again, and that really eliminates a whole bunch of the younger fellas that I had been looking at, but oh well, at least my son has quit butchering his hair.
I am considering looking for a companion, its not easy to consider because I my life is a complicated beyond what most men can comprehend, but I need a stress release and even if its just a friend with benefits, I really could use a man in my life because its literally been years since I have had some quality time with a man and I miss that. I had made a resolution to not even attempt to date this entire year, but its reached to point of frustration and tension that even my ex is starting to look tempting, and that is a type of masochism that not even I will indulge in.
Now that I have found my muse, its become a lot easier to write, and I often dream of him, so the story has advanced pretty fast after being stuck for so many years.I still have to name him, but that is going to require some research into not only our family history, but also Native American and Celtic lore and then I have to make a decison about what he is. Its really interesting that when my eldest son called the other day, I was in a joyous mood because I had found the face of my muse, or his avatar, and when I was trying to explain how that helped my as a writer to feel more comfortable and inspired in the process, my son actually GOT IT! I have tried to explain the concept of a muse to adults and they have looked at me like I suddenly grew a second head, yet my 14 year old,walking hormone,jock, son understood what the hell I was talking about.He is truely a special kid and I still hope that he will change his mind about being an actor, I simply cannot handle the thought of people exploiting him or being cruel to him or even being rude to him, I am so psychotically over-protective that I think I would spend a great deal of time seeking to thrash the living daylights out of people who hurt him. I got my vengence on his step-father, so I dont say this lightly.He is quite the athlete, already running a 4.40 mile and he is as aggressive at soccer and football as I ever was and he is a natural musician,already playing bagpipes,violin,viola,and guitar and he is an excellent student when he wants to be, but with girls chasing him constantly, he tends to get distracted easily and I fear that his good looks will be his undoing. He has grown quite a bit since he has been gone, and he is already 5'9 and 155! He left here a child and is returning a full-grown man who finds it amusing to tease me about my lack of a social life!He teases me about being a ,"Cougar" because I happen to enjoy watching movies with younger men in them and I have commented about a couple of them and he just loves to remind me that they are either close to his age or that he has been told that he looks like certain actors...soo disturbing! I finally got him to quit straightening his hair, so his beautiful natural curls are being allowed to show again, and that really eliminates a whole bunch of the younger fellas that I had been looking at, but oh well, at least my son has quit butchering his hair.
I am considering looking for a companion, its not easy to consider because I my life is a complicated beyond what most men can comprehend, but I need a stress release and even if its just a friend with benefits, I really could use a man in my life because its literally been years since I have had some quality time with a man and I miss that. I had made a resolution to not even attempt to date this entire year, but its reached to point of frustration and tension that even my ex is starting to look tempting, and that is a type of masochism that not even I will indulge in.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Dear Roger, Insomnia is a sadistic master but he makes me get shit done
So, I am still not sleeping and its beginning to make me a little on the weirder side,(as if that was possible!) I have probably slept a grand total of less than 15 hours in the last 7 days and I am beginning to feel like I am walking around in just a bit of a fog, and I am reaching the point of being so tired that I CANT sleep anymore, but on the bright side, I am getting a buttload,(yes, that is popular slang now) of work done around the house and if it would EVER stop snowing up here in Flagstaff or if the fucking wind would ever stop, I would probably have the worlds cleanest property. As it is, we had over 70 mile and hour wind gusts this last week and I spent a large part of the week trapped in the house trying not to want to rip my face off and pull my brain out due to my migraines. The constant switches in the barometric pressure and the sun playing hide and seek behind the clouds is brutal on me and its really like God has a sick sense of humor trapping me here in freaking ARIZONA for the last 13 years in a place where I never know if I can wear my sunglasses or not, and its either too dark for me to see properly or all the sudden I get blasted and my eyes are killing me, having light blue eyes and photofobia and living in Arizona is a true marker for insanity if you ask me and I am pretty sure my neighbors are starting to believe I am at least part vampire due to the hats, glasses, heavy curtains, dark tinted windows and such, if I didnt come out and grace them with the occasional wife-beater and flash them my milky white belly from time to time, they would probably be building bon fires and sharpening stakes.The kids luckily got enough of their fathers influence that their eyes are fine, but damn the Scot/Irish blood bred true and the poor monkeys blister at the mere thought of the sunshine at 7500 ft in elevation, so the few times we have been able to venture out, it has felt like prepping for an expedition across the Serengheti, why couldnt the native blood have shown true a little better in this crew like they did in my sisters? Her kids are soo damn dark that they get eyeballed by La Migra and if it wasnt for the green eyes, im willing to bet her hubby would get harassed more often.LOL! Maybe thats what I get for choosing a damn ginger for the kids father, but the women in this family did have a weakeness for those bandy legged little Britains.He has been around when its conveniant for him, but still not as much as the kids would like and still no job, but I figure hes just sticking true to form, after all, hes over 52 years old, why the hell should he change now? He seems to enjoy trying to make me feel like I have to act my 41 years and I finally told him that I may be 41, but I REFUSE to act like a geriatric and if I need to chase a 25 year old college boy to keep me young,I will do it, and if I need to play soccer and go to metal concerts and return to a campus based program for my Masters to keep my young, I will do it, and I REFUSE to let him age me! There is a reason he is my EX, he has a geezer soul and my kids love a young mom that plays with them.
I have actually written one whole chapter! Holy hell, can you believe it? I am freeing the beast that is my novel and when I work on it, I feel a rush and the words have started pouring out of me so I am hoping that I may finally have a submitable work in a year, and the other 4 I am working on are in different stages and I make the typical tempermental artist mistake of going back and flogging them into submission and re-working them when I am in the wrong mood, but "Half-life" is singing to me and its always in my mind and my antagonist has finally appeared to me after all these years, and I am hoping that now that I know what he looks like, he will continue to drive me but what is weird is where I had always thought he would be tall and straight haired, he is short and curly haired and he resembles an actor that I hadnt really heard of up until a few months ago, but when I saw his picture I KNEW and it was like a fire had been lit, so when I need inspiration, I just pop in a movie and observe him for a few and in no time I am off and running again! I guess if my book sells I should probably cut the fellow a check! Music is also helping quite a bit as well, and I am listening to a wide variety of styles and artists, and depending on who is around volume levels.I have been listening to Rammestein in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed and sometimes even archaic French love songs,Opera, Mozarts Requiem Lacrimosa, some Billie Holliday, and loads of new stuff, but when the kids are around we listen to 100 Monkeys pretty much the entire ride to school, and the entire ride home.Its like a non-negotiable thing with them and if I deviate from it, they are bummed and I am sure I get judged by other parets for it, but I figure they are too young to understand what the hell the lyrics are about, the songs SOUND innoucous and fun and are easy to follow and they LOVE them, and to tell the truth, I do to, and its better than a lot of the other stuff out there, so I only pretend to complain for a little bit and then I am singing right along with them, and its really kinda sad just how many of the songs I know by heart and focusing on the singing helps keep me focused on my driving and awake even at my most weary and its pretty much impossible to be grouchy when listening to most of their stuff.
My program will start back up at school in August, and I am planning on going to school full-time, working on campus and letting the ex rent the house back from me and have physical custody of the three younger kids during the week so I can write.I am also going to apply for a study abroad program and I am going to see if I can finally get my butt overseas like I have always dreamed of doing. It just feels so wrong that I never got to follow my dream and travel Europe and do a semester abroad, and I especially want to go to England and spend some time visiting the places that Grandpa served at during WW2, and I need to go to the British Isles and wander about because I just feel pulled for some reason and I think that I might be able to get more of my writing done if I can get there, and as pale as most of my Mick friends are, I know the sun would have to be easier on my migraines!
I have actually written one whole chapter! Holy hell, can you believe it? I am freeing the beast that is my novel and when I work on it, I feel a rush and the words have started pouring out of me so I am hoping that I may finally have a submitable work in a year, and the other 4 I am working on are in different stages and I make the typical tempermental artist mistake of going back and flogging them into submission and re-working them when I am in the wrong mood, but "Half-life" is singing to me and its always in my mind and my antagonist has finally appeared to me after all these years, and I am hoping that now that I know what he looks like, he will continue to drive me but what is weird is where I had always thought he would be tall and straight haired, he is short and curly haired and he resembles an actor that I hadnt really heard of up until a few months ago, but when I saw his picture I KNEW and it was like a fire had been lit, so when I need inspiration, I just pop in a movie and observe him for a few and in no time I am off and running again! I guess if my book sells I should probably cut the fellow a check! Music is also helping quite a bit as well, and I am listening to a wide variety of styles and artists, and depending on who is around volume levels.I have been listening to Rammestein in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed and sometimes even archaic French love songs,Opera, Mozarts Requiem Lacrimosa, some Billie Holliday, and loads of new stuff, but when the kids are around we listen to 100 Monkeys pretty much the entire ride to school, and the entire ride home.Its like a non-negotiable thing with them and if I deviate from it, they are bummed and I am sure I get judged by other parets for it, but I figure they are too young to understand what the hell the lyrics are about, the songs SOUND innoucous and fun and are easy to follow and they LOVE them, and to tell the truth, I do to, and its better than a lot of the other stuff out there, so I only pretend to complain for a little bit and then I am singing right along with them, and its really kinda sad just how many of the songs I know by heart and focusing on the singing helps keep me focused on my driving and awake even at my most weary and its pretty much impossible to be grouchy when listening to most of their stuff.
My program will start back up at school in August, and I am planning on going to school full-time, working on campus and letting the ex rent the house back from me and have physical custody of the three younger kids during the week so I can write.I am also going to apply for a study abroad program and I am going to see if I can finally get my butt overseas like I have always dreamed of doing. It just feels so wrong that I never got to follow my dream and travel Europe and do a semester abroad, and I especially want to go to England and spend some time visiting the places that Grandpa served at during WW2, and I need to go to the British Isles and wander about because I just feel pulled for some reason and I think that I might be able to get more of my writing done if I can get there, and as pale as most of my Mick friends are, I know the sun would have to be easier on my migraines!
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