Dear Roger:Happy Birthday To The Man That Changed My World

Its cold this morning! I did not want to crawl out from under my blankets to go start the water to make my hippy tea this morning, but since nobody else was going to do that for me, I didnt really have any choice. Last night was a lunar eclipse, and since it was already pretty cloudy up here in Portland, all it seemed to do was make it a little darker. I imagined what it would have been like watching it with you in your back yard in in Tucson, that always was a pretty cool place for watching stuff that was going on in the galaxy. I sometimes google map your and grandmas house, just to see if there is any reminder left of all the happiness. I think you would have really liked all the things that are going on in the arts now days. Yeah, technology has taken a lot of the artistry out of some things, but it has created entirely new mediums that would amaze an intrigue you. I see movies coming down out in the next couple of years that you would have liked, and I know that we would have seen together and talked about, and music that you would have flat dug. This weird little band that I am in to, you would have really liked them, and I miss that you aren't here to laugh at me and tease me about my fangirling over them. The boy that front for them most of the time has the same birthday as you, and that brings a little sunshine to a day that I usually spend just missing you, because my small daughter is convinced that boy simply hung the moon, so she is demanding that I bake a cake or something today,(I think she just wants cake to be honest) but I will indulge her a bit and let her be happy, after, all, he seems a pretty decent sort for her to look up to.

We wont be going out today, son is still in Long Beach, and we are busted financially, so we will cook at home and just stay in out of the cold and try to ignore all the holiday shopping news that keeps getting crammed down our throats. I got a picture of my son sent from my friends phone yesterday. He was standing on a jetty out on the beach and he looked like he was freezing his balls off. I am actually kinda really glad I didn't go. I hate being that damn cold, and the waves were stupid high, so I would have been a nervous wreck with small daughter hopping around all over the place, so it would have not been a vacation at all for me. You were always a tropical, kinda sunshine person and I had always wondered why you lived so long in Japan and places like that. I got why you lived in California, jeesh! if I was independently wealthy, I would live in California, and I know you missed it when you moved to Arizona after you had your first heart attack,but living in a place like Portland is nice and I know I would really love it if I actually had a car so I could get around a little better and once I get acclimatized. I couldn't deal with the sweaty heat that was East Texas once again. I tried the summer there after living in Arizona for 10 years, and it about kicked my ass. I can imagine that Thailand and places like that were equally as bad, but you seemed to love those places, and I have to wonder if you would be over there visiting Pooky and checking on her to make sure she is safe.

You are a grandpa by proxy, did you know that? One of your girls had a baby. You would have been a fantastic grandpa and her mom and I both mourn the fact she wont know you except through stories and pictures that she has of you. I dont have any pictures of you. I have asked and asked mom to send me some, but she never does and each time they go unsent or forgotten, it is just a little more of a reminder to me that I am nothing to them, but that is okay, I still remember what you looked like, and when I look in the mirror, I see your eyes looking back at me, and I think that is what drove my family crazy.

I hope where ever you are, you are with the ones who love you as much as I do, and that you are happy. I remember you and I honor your memory as best I can. You held me together when the fractured pieces just wanted to scatter into the wind, and without you here, sometimes the glue isn't that strong anymore. You may have not been my father, but you raised me and gave me life and life without you in it just isn't the same.

Dear Roger; Insanity Runs In the Family, But I Think My Sister Got It The Worst

Finally heard from my crazy-assed sister last night, and let me tell you, she has won the contest when it comes to being the most masochistic or crazy. She got a boob job last week, but let me clarify things, it wasn't just a typical ,'Oh my GOD I have had a small herd of children and my boobs are sweeping the ground in front to me" type of boob job, Noo, it was an,"Oh my God I have had two tumors removed, I have had 2 other scares and I have a nuclear implant to monitor cell growth" kinda boob job. SO I can kinda understand. She had all her own breast tissue removed and she had fake boobage put in, but instead of having regular sized boobage stuff put in, she had DOUBLE D'S put in!! OH.MY. DOLLY PARTON! She also had liposuction done and they sucked all the extra fat away from around her gut and butt, and took her down to a size 2! That is soo cheating!She called to tell me all the horror stories that go along with her new boobs, such as the fact that each morning, the muscle contractions of her body cause the fake boob bags to creep up to under her collar bones and she has to manually reach up and push her boobs into place and they POP! back into the slots that they are supposed to fit into! My sis is tough. We are both really stalwart when it comes to pain, in fact we dont register pain normally, but she said last night," You know the kinda pain where you just sit there and think, well, somebody just fucking come shoot me now, cuz that cant hurt any worse than this crap? yeah...thats what this is like. I wouldn't do it again." I died laughing as she told me about how her doctor had sent her flowers and she knew something was up, she said, "Nobody sends flowers unless they fucked up, are fixing to piss you off, hurt you, or you are dying and dont know it." She said her doctor had sent her a really pretty flower arrangement and she knew something was up and sure enough when she went in for her first appointment after her surgery, that doc had grabbed the edge of that big, foam tape bandage and had jerked it really fast and pulled it off, and before my sis could even squawk, she had reached up and shoved her boobs down and told her,"Thats what you are going to have to do every day." and sis said she hollered " Bitch is that why you sent me flowers?" she said the doc just laughed and patted her hand.

My sis tells me she is planning on getting a surgical procedure every year on her birthday! I think she is freaking nuts. I only get surgery to fix crap that is broke, like knees and shoulders and wrists and things that I messed up, she is trying to fight the inevitable slide into middle age.

It was great to talk to her, she sounded good in spite of being in pain and dealing with trying to decide if they are going to stay in Texas or move to Bozeman. She changes houses and vehicles more often than some people change their shoes, but it makes her happy and she handles it well. I think getting her out of Texas all those years ago was the best thing I could have done for her. It was rough and we struggled for a while, but it saved us both.I wish she was closer sometimes so we could hang out more, but we have gone such separate directions in our lives. She found her happiness after years of struggling and suffering, and I am glad. She looked after my son when he was back there and gave him some good advice, and was often the positive role model he needed when he had no one else to talk to .

I told her about my writing, and she seemed genuinely glad to hear I was actually writing again. So many folks who know me are shocked that I am writing fiction again, I guess they thought I really was done for good, and honestly so did I, but I have gotten into it and I have been driven lately and hopefully it sticks around for a bit because its been good for me and I have really enjoyed it, even if it is a bit on the odd side.

Dear Roger; The Strangest Forms Of Therapy Work The Best

The banners you see are for a couple of stories I wrote.The bottom one was one chapter and it was the first and it was cathartic. That is what it is...catharsis. Writing this kinda stuff was suggested by a therapist as a way to deal with some of the pain. It seems to be helping and I have been writing my ass of lately and building a following. Not all of my writing is sad, some of it is actually funny. A friend from Twitter made me the banner and she is making me another one for my other story and hopefully for my funny one as well. I am kinda proud of what I have written, even if its a little strange for a middle-aged woman to be writing such things.

I feel kinda odd at times to be indulging the the 'fan fiction" medium and I really feel kinda odd about outing myself, but considering that I have been able to talk about and write about things that have eaten me alive from the inside for decades, well, maybe I shouldn't feel so damn weird about it.I did actually out myself to my boss about being a writer of it the other day, but only after she outed herself as a member of SCA. We stood in the stock room, both feeling weird and laughing at our social deformities, and realizing that we had something in common in our geekyness. I feel like I am healing some. I am still pretty much of a isolationist, and its hard for me to want to get out, but that has to do with being broke most of the time. I dont fly into rages or depressions as much as I used to, and I am able to socialize pretty easily as long as I dont feel crowded or pressured into situations that take me too far out of my element.

I had a nice talk with my oldest daughter last night. She turned 19 yesterday and I am so damned proud of her. She is the most practical of all of us, careful with money and she has a plan for her future and so far that doesnt include getting involved with any boys or anything else. She wants to get her education and then get her career started so she will be self reliant.She has seen me struggle and train wreck my life has been, and she wants to avoid that. She is artistic and super smart, so hopefully she will do well in whatever she decides to do.

Son had an interesting night last night. He has quite the dukes mixture of friends and its amusing to hear him talking to them because he changes his demeanor with each one. He has one friend who is a foster kid that is struggling with the system because they keep trying to return him to his abusive father and my son and him are really tight because son knows that stress all too well and I encourage my son to be there as a friend and sounding board, another friend is a lesbian girl that teases him mercilessly like a big sister would, and she is funny and he really likes her quite a bit and I think that could be a friendship that lasts a long time because their rapport is hysterical, in fact they could be a comedy team. The friend he was talking to late last night is a young gay guy that is the same age as my son and who is in a few classes with him. He recently came out and he was already friends with my son and as I expected, nothing changed in my sons mind. They were talking last night about the different cultures in the gay and straight world and my son was getting quite an education about what "flamboyant" meant and just what kind of signals he was sending off with some of his attire. He came out of his room one with the phone to his ear and he hugged me held the phone to his chest, and said,"You were right!" and went back to his room. I am guessing some of the clothing and attire tips I gave him were correct. Huh, who would have thunk it?

Dear Roger; Ever Have One Of Those Days? I Think Ive Had One of Those Lives

Yesterday was the day from hell. I got a call from the ex first thing in the morning and that always sets the tone for such a lovely beginning to a day. He was calling because Sticky had said his cheek hurt and he wondered if maybe he had a tooth ache. I questioned him right away about the type and location of the pain and then I told him to get him to the doctor right the hell away. Sticky tends to get Buccal cellulitus and if its not treated quickly, he would end up having to have surgery to drain his jaw and ear. My ex bitched and complained about having to take him in, but he said he was going to. In the mean time I told him to make sure he but warm compresses on it and gave him sour candy to chew on to make the salivary gland drain. My ex then decided to drop a bomb on me and tell me that my sons case worker had called and that I had a phone interview with her on Monday. I am still the administrator for my sons financial interests because ex is a convicted felon and he is legally precluded. So I handle all his expenses and such and I make decisions regarding his him, but due to my ex being my ex and the fact I cannot be near him for safety reasons, he has my child, though I hope to change that in the very near future. I hate dealing with these interviews, they are intrusive and annoying and insulting. My sons expenses vastly outweigh any help they have ever given him, but they feel the need to act as if they pay for the paper he wipes his butt with, and I can tell you, with as much as he uses, that is not the case. His glasses for this last year cost me over $600 in repairs and replacements, and hes gone up a full pant size in a moth as well as a shoe size, so its just a constant struggle to keep up with the expenses of a growing boy. Much less one with special needs that does property damage. I had to replace the front commode twice, pull the pea trap in the front and back sinks several times, replace flash lights, screens, door knobs when keys went missing and fix the van several times because of things he did, so I think I can prove that he is being accounted for handily.

Anyway, so my ex decided to tell me while he had me on the phone, that because he has had to deal with sick kids, he hasn't been able to work and he wont be sending daughter any Christmas presents! That bastard had promised he was going to send her "The Last Airbender" I was counting on him to take care of that for her, and now her Christmas is going to suck even worse? This is terrible. So far she has a set of sheets and a dress and a plastic harmonica. Nothing from her grandparents who had sent word that they weren't doing Christmas because they had too many grand kids, but now her own father is doing nothing for her? I am beyond broke and all the local agencies are swamped. Its going to suck around here so damn bad. Her brother just scoffed and said, "What the hell did you expect from that jerk?" My son was a bit hurt I think, in spite of all what he had been through, that he didn't get so much as a phone call from anyone including the ex, on his birthday. I was pissed about it. My family frankly, sucks. Son was actually nice to daughter a bit yesterday, and hopefully that will last through the holiday and she will at least have that. Son is leaving with my friends on Sunday to go to Long Beach for a 4 day vacation that I was supposed to get to go on with them, but due to the interview/phone call I have to deal with, I cant go, and because I am not going, daughter doesn't get to go either, so the poor kid is just screwed all the way around and that is so damn unfair.

I worked yesterday and it was also a bit of a buzzkill as well. Not only did a mountain of damn heavy assed boxes end up falling on me and I have a whopper of a bruise on my knee and my back, but one of the crazy bitches I work with, thought it would be funny to go waving a razor around me and joking about cutting throats. I dont know if she knew about my "issues" or what, but when she got close to me with that razor knife, I threw a box between us and stepped back and then I slammed into a damn rack full of crap that was right behind me, so the only option I had was to grab something heavy and prepare to bash her ass. Luckily one of the chicks I work with regularly stepped in between us and told her to cut it the fuck out, and the chick looked surprised, "I was just kidding,do you have a problem with razors?" no fucking duh! I was in full stutter mode by then so it took me a bit to answer her, but I said,"No more of a problem than you get after someone tries to kill you using one." I think the look on her face was pretty fucking priceless. She felt like an ass and everyone around her was looking at her like she was the biggest idiot on the planet. I was glad to get done with my shift and go home. I had figured I would be getting laid off pretty soon, but so far they keep scheduling me which is surprising. I dont talk much and I prefer to not go out onto the floor and work around the customers, but I get the stuff done and I dont bitch and complain about things, so who knows, maybe they need me? We will see.

I made Orange chicken for supper last night and son actually took a break from torturing the guitar to come out and eat some dinner. He is working on learning a Spencer Bell song that we both love called,"Beautiful,More So" and I think his problem with it is that hes just not used to playing the more upbeat and faster things on an acoustic. He has been practicing and practicing, and though he doesnt have the sheet music for it and hes trying to pick it up by ear and by watching poorly lit concert videos of guys playing it, he is still struggling to get it to suit him and its funny to hear him trying. He is such a perfectionist and he will be strumming along and its like," strum, strum, strum....CRAP! ...strum strum strum...WTF?!! ARGH!! Strum...MTFKR!! (SON!! LANGUAGE!) strum...strumstrum strum....GODDAMMIT!!" I made a suggestion that he was scandalized to hear, I told him to go hang out by the heater vent that we had in common with the hippy/stoner neighbors, that maybe he was just too tense and angry to be able to play that song. ' MOM! Are you suggesting that I need to be stoned!" No, what I am saying is that you need to quit fighting the music, its not about that, none of that music is about the kinda pain you have, you have to find a place that will allow you to let some of that go so you can feel the better vibes of that song and let yourself get into it. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and told me that I was getting strange in my old age, and then he started playing 'Smoke on the Water" on the acoustic which blew me away. He also plays a bunch of Everlast and Sublime, so the kid has poor white trash angry angst down very well.

Son had a nightmare the other night. The worst he has ever had in his life. It was so bad he was still shaking and pale when I got up in the morning and He was in tears telling me about it. He dreamed that someone had some in and killed his entire family. He was taken to a place that he didn't recognize and that was barren and scary and left all alone. I told him that I thought he was having a dream about turning 15 and that he was now a young man instead of a child and that he was dealing with the death of his childhood in a symbolic way, though I am sad to say my sons childhood died the minute I met my ex when he was 2 years old.

Dear Roger: Road Trips, Horny Teens, and Things That Amaze Me

We made it through is birthday relatively unscathed. I wasn't so sure that was going to be the case, especially since he turned into a giant tool about wanting me to go and pick up his girlfriend over in Vancouver. My friend let me borrow her car so I could go and pick up some things for his birthday dinner, he had decided he would rather have a barbecue with our friends rather than a dinner out, so I had to go and pick up some salad and steak and he wanted a store bought cheese cake, so we went and got all that and then he dropped the bomb on me that he wanted to go and get her. Mind you, she lives way the hell over in Vancouver, it was getting late on in the day and this was dropped on me at the last minute, he expected me to be thrilled about driving in rush hour traffic on the 205 into a place I have never been to! I was a bit torked that it was dropped on me at the last minute and that he copped and attitude about it. She had said that she couldn't come and then she said she could and I was supposed to drop everything and just go get her and be happy and merry about it. He made the mistake of getting snotty with me and then I got mad and it got a bit loud. We bickered back and forth and poor daughter just sat down and got into a her meditation position and started saying,"Ommmm, Ommmm,Ommm" . She has been too close to California for too long. We got it sorted out and I talked to my friend and she said it was cool to go get the girl but that the 205 was going to be nuts, and she was right, it was. I also do not enjoy driving on that bridge, its just a freak out thing. Soo we drove clear to hell and gone and picked up the chick and she sat in the back of the car all owl-eyed and freaked out, looking at me like I was going to eat her, because I just grunted hello at her instead of kissing her ass, though I was VERY impressed to see that my son escorted her to the car and opened the door for her and after she got in, he shut the door and then came around and got in himself. When we got to our friends house, he walked around and opened her door and helped her out and he opened the door for her as well as he served her first and pulled her chair out! I DID GOOD! My son has the manners of a gentleman! Holy hell.

Though he has the manners of a gentleman, he is still a horny teen and I had to make sure an keep an eye on them so they didn't wander off into a dark corner for a make out session. I annoyed the hell out of both of them by being a very attentive chaperon. It was a good dinner and we had a nice time chatting with friends and hanging out, but her parents ran late picking her up and I got a bit annoyed that they would leave us sitting and waiting, trusting me, who is a stranger to them, to protect their daughters virtue! They dont know me at all and as far as they know, I could be some kind of freak, but lucky for them, I am interested in protecting my sons future, so I am as diligent as I can be.

Its been pretty stressful around here, the holidays are crunching down on us and I was supposed to go to Long Beach with friends for a few days away, but now I have to deal with a phone interview for my sons case manager for his disability, so I will be staying home while son and everyone else gets a few days on the beach to decompress. Hopefully they will leave me the car so I can escape the house for a little bit and maybe go to the bookstores or just out.

Dear Roger: Damned If I Do, He is A Teenager After All

Well today is my baby boy, "Werewolf boys" birthday. Its hard to believe he is 15 years old and is such a hulking beast of a young man. I can remember when he was such a tiny baby with little frog legs and fingers that barely fit around the fingers of my friends that like to carry him around and scare me half to death because they were such a bunch of rough neck cops and he was just a tiny little thing. Now he is a big as some as they were. I had bought him a pair of black skinny jeans for his birthday in a 30 waist, and just a few weeks ago a 30 waist was fine, he still is all hipbones and six pack, but he cant button any of his 30's, including the new ones. His shoes are already getting too small on him, and I am wondering what the hell comes after a 12 mens!

His choir concert was last night, and it was drama and stress getting ready for it. He was ticked off that we were going to have to walk in the rain. I didn't know what he expected to happen, I couldn't pull a car out of my ass in the few hours he was at school. We dont have the money for a car. I know it sucks, but its just not affordable for us. I can barely handle the housing expenses right now, a car payment would kill us. Its expensive to support kids and he doesn't seem to understand that all the things I provide for him cost money, but hopefully he will realize it soon.

The concert was okay, but I could not believe how damn LONG it went. I met up with my friends parents who have been good friends to us as well, and we got some decent seats, and when it finally got going, my sons part of the choir sang for a grand total of maybe 5-7 minutes and then the rest of the night was the concert choir and the other groups, but would the director allow my sons group to leave? Oh hell no! We were there until 930! my butt was numb from sitting in that seat. I know it was probably a great show, but I really dont like the choir director, and its not her fault. I have a visceral reaction to her because she reminds me of the drama teacher I had in jr. high school. Yeah, I was in drama...I was also in art and photography and I wore Doc's and I was defiantly not one to the cheerleader types and our drama teacher was oddly one of those who loved the cheerleader types. We had issues, serious issues, issues to the point that I ended up leaving regular drama by the time I went to high school and i went into Technical Theater and I learned how to run the light and sound boards and build sets. Its funny looking back on it, me being into acting. thhhpt! I try to discourage son from getting into it, but I enjoyed it until I encountered Ms Hevner and I realized that it was just a matter of who liked who and not who knew the lines and hit the marks and such. I have that strong sense of injustice that makes me speak out and that does not work in that world where you have to grin and bear it.

Daughter got an award for academic achievement yesterday. I was so damn proud that she was recognized for work above her grade level! I have to say that her handwriting is already better than mine and her coloring when she takes her time, is beautiful. She uses 5 dollar words like they are normal for someone her age and she is in a reading group that is made up of advanced 3rd graders, not bad considering she is a 1st grader. She was so cute when her name was called, she hopped up off the floor and then she skipped to the podium, turned with flair and then curtsied to the crowd as they laughed and clapped. She already knows how to work the crowd! She stood at the front with the other kids blowing kisses and waving while people took pictures. I swear she had been watching concert videos of her favorite little rock star a bit too much because she was mimicking some of his moves. She already dances down the sidewalk in the mornings and sings on the bus I have been told, so she may be the one that is the performer in the family. I had to fuss at her the other morning when we were getting ready to go to the bus because she didn't have her boots on and she was sitting on the couch reading her bible! I have had to take it away from her and make her get up and move before because she gets to reading it and gets too focused. She wrote a cute story for her brothers birthday, but he growled at her when she tried to show it to him and that broke her little heart. I feel bad for her sometimes, I know she misses her relationship with her other brothers and I know that the vast age difference between her and her older brother makes things difficult, but he could try a little harder to be at least kind to her.

I know he is bummed about us being broke on his birthday, but its partially his fault. I had held onto enough money to pay for dinner out, but he asked for my pay card so he could buy lunch. I reminded him that if he used it, we wouldn't have money for dinner out, and he said he understood. I know its harsh, but I have always tried to stress to my kids that there are no heroes for us. No one is magically going to come and rescue us or help us out with a new car and free money and take us away to a great life of leisure in the sun. We have to work and struggle to survive. There are no Prince Charmings, no Knights in shining armor. We wont win the lottery or find an family heirloom worth a few million bucks, and that show that fixes peoples lives cant fix us. We got our fix when we got out alive. We are in the sunshine and we are damn lucky. Nobody is getting hit or threatened and though things are tough, its not about the things we dont have, its about the things we have. We have each other and a roof over our heads and mostly enough food and a chance to do well. Nobody is a drug addict,or drunk or criminal and we are trying our best. Life is not easy and nothing is guaranteed. I have tried to teach him that, and though I have spoiled him along the way by often sacrificing things of mine to ensure he had more than we really could afford, he is a damn good kid that makes me proud even when he is being a bit of a knuckle head. I am going to bake him his carrot cake and we are going to have steak and stuff at our friends house tonight and hopefully he will remember this birthday for the fact it is one that he didn't have to worry about anything other than the typical 15 year old boy worries.

Dear Roger: Insomnia Has The Most Inconvenient Timing

It goes to figure that the night before I have a busy as hell day, I would have yet another bout of insomnia. I swear its like my body just goes into rebellion at the thought of leaving the house to be around people or something so it tries to keep me home by rendering me exhausted and cranky. Last nights run of insomnia wasn't the typical ,'Lets just stare at the ceiling until we are ready to enunculate our own eyeballs , not this type is the worst its the lets let her doze off just enough that shes comfortable and then jar awake all paranoid like there is something going on" type of insomnia. Yeah,,,lots of fun, I woke up every hour or so feeling like something woke me up, so I had to get up and check the kids and the doors and try and figure out just what the hell? Watch enough horror movies or be a cop long enough and you dont sleep so good when you have that kind of night. I was too out of it to write anymore on either of my stories, so I just ended up reading any emails that had come in and trying to go back to sleep until the next jarring awake. I thought maybe it was the damn cats, but they were sound ass asleep each time I got up to check on things.

Today is sons choir concert and he has been bitching and bellyaching about having to go to it. He hates having to wear anything other than ratty jeans and t-shirts and the choir director requires them to wear dress slacks and shirts with a tie and dress shoes, so its like torture for him. He strips it off the minute he steps off stage and he looks offended when I even dare to ask for pictures of him actually looking decent. He is at that age where he doesn't know what he wants to do from one moment to the next other than play his guitar and talk to his girlfriend or eat. My God! the boy can eat! I got up this morning and went into the kitchen that I had left spotless the night before with everything clean and put away, and I found evidence of a quesadilla apocalypse! It looks like he had 4 or 5 of them and half a jar of salsa. I had cooked dinner, I swear I fed him, but he cooked even more food last night and ate again. Its just a little scary.

He has been playing his guitar constantly and he was getting the slower songs down with no problem, so I threw down a challenge to him. I challenged him to learn a Spencer Bell song called,'Beautiful,More So". Its faster and there are no youtube lessons on how to play it, just some random videos of it, so he will have to pick it up by ear. He has been working at it for days now and hes beginning to get it but the language coming out of his room has turned the air around our apartment all kinds of colors and probably made the neighbors think he has Tourretts. I he takes breaks from it every now and then and goes back to his slower, emo, whiney stuff and I just smile at him until he says,"Shut up mom ! Im gonna get it!" and stomps off back to his room to begin trying and cussing again. Hard to believe he is going to be 15 tomorrow, it still seems like yesterday it was just me and my little curly haired ginger boy against the world, and now he is a giant, dark, curly haired man that wanders around the house in his boxers devouring all the food and tormenting his baby sister.

Sis gets her award at school today. I am supposed to be there at 815 to watch her get it, so I have to put her on the bus and then hotfoot it down there. I hope like hell its not raining, otherwise I am going to get soaked, but it will be worth it to see her, because she was soo excited. She sounds soo funny since she pulled that front tooth.She has a bit of a lisp now and some of the bigger works she uses dont come out right, but that makes it even funnier, after all, what 6 year old says "indubitably?" Yeah, I know, besides me, but I was a freak too.

Mom has been calling lately. I had called and left a message on sis's phone letting her know that BW had died, and I guess she is trying to play mediator again because the next thing I know, mom was calling me wanting to talk out of the blue just about anything. I chatted a bit because I wanted to know how Ali was doing, and when I got the news about the full ride scholarship to any state school in Texas, that made it all worth it. I was so damn happy to hear that. Not only would she not be going to Arizona where its so damn dangerous, she would not be building any student loan debt. That was the best news ever.

I ended up having to call mom back the next night because as I was reading the hometown paper I saw that a boy I had grown up with, in fact a boy I had rode motorcycles with, played baseball with his sister and just known all my life, had died suddenly. He was 40 years old, a full year younger than me. Mom already knew which surprised me. They have lived back home for over the last 5 years and had been their typical anti-social selves, not reading the local paper or even associating with folks, but I guess dad had seen it somewhere. I was shocked, because after all, I was the one who had to call them and tell them Sammy had died, and that was the most devastating death to me since losing grandma and you. I wish I could have gone home to see him before he passed, he was always home to me and now that hes gone I really do feel like there is just nothing back there other than sis to make me want to.

My writing is doing okay. A story I had intended to make only one chapter has gotten quite a bit of attention and commentary and folks have asked me to carry it on for a bit, so I have. Its kinda fun to write because I have made it a challenge to myself to keep the characters just on the edge of recognizable, but generic enough that people can fill in their own fantasies. Sometimes I find that folks get waay to caught up in describing their people and it takes away the imagination of the reader, so I have challenged myself to not do that. its hard, and I have had a couple of critics bitch about it, but I wrote them back,(nicely) and explained that I was doing it intentionally, so they will either get it or not. I have found that I am having just a bit of difficulty writing sex scenes. I dont know if its my Traditional, Conservative, Texas, Southern Christian upbringing or the fact that I haven't been laid in so long that I probably wouldn't know what to do with a pecker in real life if one came knocking, but when I was trying to write the scene, I just found myself blushing and vapor-locked. I dont get it. I am not a prude by any shape of the imagination. Oh NO. But writing it? snicker....I even looked at visual aids of the guy that was the inspiration for the story, and that usually gets the motor running pretty good, but I just ...yeah... .Maybe I am a bit of a prude? I mean if my daughter was one of those girls chunking undies or flashing her tatas at him at a concert,I would ground her til she was 30 and hide my face in shame for raising such a hussy, so maybe its just the ingrained moral code that I was raised with that I have a hard time using those words...and writing about the act? That or I have just forgotten what the hell its all about.