The Dangers of Dining With Children

I do my level best to ensure that my kids have knowledge of the world around them, from pointing out the Latin,(real Latin, not Spanish) roots of the language around them, to teaching them greetings and words in other languages, and when I was trying to get them to stop cussing so much after their father was removed, we decided that the phrases the teachers and counselors were suggesting werent getting through to my son with Downs, so I found a phrase in Gaelic that he really like the sound of and he uses it whenever he is angry or stressed or upset, and it suits and and other than one teacher who has travelled extensively in Ireland,no one knows what the hell or my other kids are saying when they say,'Pogue Mahone!", and the other swearing has almost compltely stopped. I teach my kids about other countries and their heritage and that they have an obligation to explore what the world is like around them, including trying different foods and ways of doing things.
Teaching my kids to eat with chop sticks seemed like a good idea at the time, and after all, my uncle taught me how to use chop sticks when I was around 8 years old, and I can eat noodles, rice, veggies, and all kinds of stuff with them and I actually prefer them over a fork when I am eating Asian types of food. I love cooking Asian food, and I have gotten pretty good at Thai, Chinese, and some Vietnamese and Japanese, so its an at least twice a week affair at my house and I own not only a rice cooker that makes really great ,"Sticky Rice", I own a half a dozen sets of chop sticks, and special bowls, and I make rice noodles and such for the kids even when I make American food.
I should have started the lesson with the kids seated more than arms length apart from each other, but really, who expects them to begin by trying to stab each other?
What follows are the highlights of our dinner conversation during our first and last chopstick lesson until they are about 3-5 years older.
Stubby- What the hell are these things, toothpicks for Fergus?
Me-No, they are called Chopsticks...and dont say "hell".
Stubby-What are we supposed to do with them, kill the meal...(Stevie interjected at this point) MOM!!! He POOOOOOKED ME WITH THE STICK THINGY!!!!!!!!WAAAAHHHHHHH!
Me-Stubby! Do not poke anyone with the chopsticks! Sticky! Do not poke Ferg in the butt with your chopstick, put that one in the sink and I will get you a clean one, Ferg! Get out of the kitchen!!
Stubby-So what the hell is for dinner and how are we supposed to eat with these stupid things?
Me- We are having Orange chicken with sticky rice and quit saying "hell" or you will be sitting on your bed.
Stubby-Well, I dont want any stupid vegetables
Stevie-I WANT vegetables
Sticky- POGUE MAHONE!!! muttermuttermutter
Me-Sticky, I will put broccoli in the chicken for you and Stevie, Stubby, you at least need to try, all of you need to quit hitting the dogs with the chopsticks! Stubby, put the dogs out back right now, dinner is nearly ready.
(Chaos ensues while the dogs are run out back)
While the kids get hands washed and such, I served up the food and waited for them to come back up the the table, still hopeful(foolishly, that I could actually give a sane lesson to them on proper use of the chopstick)and as I started to explain how placement in the hand was often related to social status, my kids began stabbing their plates and each others plates with single sticks or thwacking each other with them and trying to steal chunks of chicken, or as Stubby did, just ignoring the sticks altogether and grabbing handfuls of food and shoving it into his mouth like a wild animals. Stevie was the only one to give a real honest effort, and even at that I had to disarm her because she insisted on using her chopstick as weapons to defend her plate from attack
Stubby-No wonder you are so skinny mom, those things dont scoop up nothing!
Me-Yes, they do, if you would just pay attention and practice, you would be able to pick up lots of stuff with them,(I demonstrated), and people have been using them for thousands of years.
Stubby- Well, I think they make really awesome waepons!
Stevie_MOM!! He POOOOOKED me AGAIN!!!!
Me- Poke him back, but first, get that chop stick out of your hair, these arent that type of chopstick.