Tick,Tick, Tick

Time is short, in fact he will be loose Monday, and that has brought about many mixed emotions; resignation, anger, denial, acceptance, relief, but oddly, not fear. I have never feared the thought of death, and that is what most people are betting I am facing if he comes out the way most normal people who have been though what he has been through, would come out, but its just because I have always expected that death would take me early because I am not the type of person to age well or accept my bodies failure. I have never been one to tolerate being told what to do, or having people control me or tell me where I can or cant go and what I can and cant do, that is why my marriages failed and my jobs end and I am pretty much a loner, I am not an easy person to know or be around because I resist being managed. I was always the pain in the ass kid to my parents, the ,"Wild Thing" that made life such a misery that I never came home to the hot meal, I always wanted to stay on the island, and perhaps I have. My mom sent me to a shrink once to find out why I was so difficult to deal with and he said that I had,"an enormous chip on my shoulder that the world needed to knock off for my own good" and I guess its still trying. I have always thrown my body against the wall full force, loved as hard as anyone ever loved, only to be rejected in a way that left me an emotional cripple, incapable of ever wanting to love again, and I am glad of that because it made me free. The only thing I really worry about is my kids, but I know if the knock-down drag out battle happens, they will land in the right place with my friend Susan, who is peace and love and kindness and compassion and the best friend I have ever had, and I have loved pulling her leg in the past and I am still giggling over her reaction to my ,"Coming Out" blog. My kids will be better people for having her as a parent.
My ex will not be a problem, because if he comes looking for a fight, he will get one and we will both go.
My sis has a cancer scare going on, and unlike me, she is getting hers followed up on, and hopefully she will have some answers tomorrow. I put off my cervical biopsy until things settle, I figure whats the point of finding out if Im dying of cancer, if my ex is gonna kill me anyway, who needs that stress? But we were discussing our bucket lists and we both have some things in common which gave us fits of giggles tonight on the phone, and leave it to say,"Thelma and Louise" minus Brad Pitt because for some completely freakish reason my sis finds him repulsive, so we would have to kidnap Gerard or some other acceptable hottie, but it would involve a very fast car, verbally clearing the slate with more than a couple of people, and taking in quite a bit of countryside.
Talking about these things with her really makes me feel better about things, and its nice to talk with someone who knows me, and who never asks me,"Arent you scared?' because she knows the answer, I am not the one who should be scared because heaven doesnt want me and hell is afraid I will take over.