I Wouldn't Be So Angry If People Would Quit Pissing Me Off

Soo, I have been taking a little bit of time off to work on my house and to indulge in some strongly suggested counseling for what has been diagnosed as a "Pretty significant case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", people seem to think that just because I have a strong aversion to being touched, dont like crowds, have a hair trigger temper, start fights with strange men, have nightmares,insomnia, and eating issues, as well as a tendency to slam doors hard enough to dislodge the entire jam; that I need to be in some type of counseling. It was my performance at the ,"Directed Response Committee" meeting, where I told the County Attorney exactly what I thought of the job they were doing for the victims of domestic violence, that finally prompted me to give in after almost 2 years and get some help, because its really not a good idea to go off on people that can throw your ass in jail for a very long time. I was also falling back into an old habit that I can ill afford to indulge in at age 40, especially as a single mom, because there is nothing I find more disgusting and pathetic that a middle-aged drunk, so I nipped that in the bud right away.
My counselor is a bit of a hippy chick, and I think I might intimidate her just a little, because she says that she can feel the rage just humming off of me, and she spotted physical signs that I didnt even realize I showed, including having my left fist clenched pretty much all the time, and when I talk about my ex or another man, my jaw clenches and she said that pain shows in my whole being,(whatever that means)and that its obvious I havent just been hurt physically, but that the mind fuck that has been done on me for that past decade has left me so hurt and damaged, that she can see I am past the point of caring about the trite things most people worry about. She knows that I was supposed to got for a biopsy a couple of months ago, and that I havent, not because I havent had time, but because I just do not want to endure another indignity over something that I cannot change or that I do not care about. The sessions are kind of unusual, we talk about pretty much whatever comes to mind, and its not always about my ex, though with his impending release just 20 days away, that is the main topic of conversation because I find that my stress is reaching the boiling point, and the doors in my house cannot take much more slamming. I am still working on fixing things in my home, and the kids are still working on breaking things, including the main commode which the 9 year old managed to clog with some unknown object just for the hell of it, right after he smeared paint of the wrong color all over the freshly painted front bedroom and hallway. New carpet is going in this next week, but I do not have much hope it will stay unstained for long, they seem to relish ruining things that I have fixed and its wearing me out. The dogs are all shedding due to Spring finally trying to make an appearance, and there seems to be dog hair everywhere!
I do not know if counseling will help me, I actually think I would feel better if I was able to either go shooting or if I were able to take a baseball bat and beat the hell out of something, but the ability to speak candidly about the deepest, darkest feeling in my heart about things that have happened and that have bothered me for years, is somewhat cleansing. We discussed my not dating and general feeling of being numb, and though that is a lonely feeling, for now its probably the best and safest feeling for me to be experiencing, because I am dangerous due to my anger that I cannot seem to figure out where to direct.
I cut the end of my finger off the other day installing some tile, and I seem to keep bumping that finger against everything, and that just serves to piss me off even more, but I have managed to get down most of the tile with only a small amount of blood staining the floor.
Ive been reading alot, pretty much anything I can get my hands on, and thats help to keep me distracted from being alone and from my ex's impending release, but it does not change the fact that I am alone, soon to face the man who tried to kill me, who beat my son and who made my life a living hell. I am alone with no one to support me, no one to help me, no one to offer a kind word or to even to let me know that I have a reason to not be angry.