Its getting into that fucked up time of year for me. You know what im talking about, the time of year when it seems like everyone I cared about decided to die. G died 28 years ago this October, and there are soo many others that died in and around there that I am not going to list them all, but losing you and him messed me up the most. I lost weeks when you died, did you know that? Weeks. I just kinda checked out.I guess I kept functioning, my mom tells me that I booked her flight,fought with her and dad and was very clinical and monotone and just didn't say anything beyond what was absolutely necessary, (Gee, you think they would have noticed there was a problem?) but I dont remember that time. I guess thats always been my way of coping.
Being that im in a new place, around new folks and trying to live a new life, im trying to not dwell too much in the past, but sometimes the loss and the feeling of just not quite fitting in anywhere still creeps in. I haven't written anything much lately, but I did put some of my stuff up here on my blog and I signed up to participate in a writing contest in the hopes that it will give me the kick in the ass that I need to get me motivated. Still haven't found a job, but I am looking pretty much daily, and I am doing things online to keep my brain active, such as participating in online discussions that force me to interact with people and make comments about things that I am interested in.
The rainy season has started up here an I am loving it! Never been a stranger to the rain, both real and allegorical, so I sometimes just go stand out in it and think about things. My ex has said he will send my guitar and my gig bag and such. Im pretty happy about that,especially since I cannot afford to buy a replacement and it just hurts to not have a creative outlet. Soo many times I have wanted to pick out some notes for the song I have written and I have had no way to do it. If I find a job pretty soon,one of the first splurges I am going to do is I am going to buy that Dobro I have been lusting over and the other music related items that my little family needs, such as a new ipod for the boy and most likely a better set of speakers for the house.
Daughter an I have gotten back to our traditional evening recitation/acting out of,'Where The Wild Things Are".She wanted to start back to doing it after we watched the movie together again the other day and once again cried when Max left the island. When I told her I stayed on the island, she asked me if I would ever consider leaving now that I was,'all grown up and old". I told her that just because a persons body gets older and they grow up on the outside, that doesn't mean that their heart and their spirit ages along with it, and though a lot of things have happened to me that make me have to be "grown up" and responsible, I am still very much a 'Wild Thing" in my heart and being lost and on 'Wild Thing Island" is the best place for me, because there never was dinner waiting in my room for me, unless I cooked it myself. I told her that I stay because I know that there are other lost 'Wild Things" that need me, and sometimes we find each other, and one day, maybe not in this lifetime, we will all have a warm dinner together.
It was a deep conversation for a six year old to have with me, but she got it and she said,"So that is why you are alone here except for us,(her and her brothers)?" and I told her that yeah, "Wild Things" dont do well with those who aren't other "Wild Things", we Eat Them UP! and that made her laugh.
My writing that I posted on here is still in the very rough, unedited, stage, and friends have asked me if I was worried about it getting stolen, but the truth of the matter is, its soo much based on my life and my history that is well documented, that if anybody did, I could prove it and then embarrass the hell out of them, but then I would have to wonder, why would anybody want to take something so dark and depressing? I read it and it just takes me back to places that rip and tear at me to the point that I end up crouched out under the tree off the back deck, smoking a cigarette and sobbing over memories of him into the we hours, so no...Im not worried, karma has a way of winning in the end.
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