Dear Roger :Battle Weary

Yesterday was a stressful day around here. I realized that I have been the last line of defense between a small child and an angry man for the last 10 years and it has had a dramatic effect on me. I don't know how to deal with normal sibling rivalry, and I am afraid my kids don't even know how to have it. All 3 of my boys are older than my daughter, and all three of them are jealous of her. She is the baby, she does get a lot of attention because she is very outgoing and vivacious most of the time now, and she is friendly. She is also smart and cute. My boys are also smart and cute, but they tend to be reserved and more withdrawn. Its not their faults, they had to be that way to stay out of trouble at home before we escaped. My eldest son learned to be a ghost so we didn't get in trouble because if he disturbed the ex, then he would evoke his wrath, and I would jump in to protect him and then I would face the brunt of the anger for whatever transgression had taken place, such as awakening him from his nap in the middle of the living room or disturbing whatever tv program he had blaring. We learned to be quiet and out of sight and not,"Silly or ridiculous." 

My two other boys are the same way, they were raised in it their whole lives so that is all they know is being reserved and quiet, though I have been working very hard to bring them out of it with all kinds of random silliness and things like,"random dancing" and singing for no reason, but their older brother rarely joins in and cuts loose and its sad. 

My daughter is the rare exception to all of this, she was somewhat lucky in that I got her out in time. She was just a little thing of 4 when I got him sent to prison and while she remembers the straight razor and all that, she has been recovering and her natural exuberance has survived, especially with her love of her little band and all that accompanying silliness. 

She has made a lot of friends in the virtual world and she tries to reach out and make friends everywhere, because she knows the danger of being isolated and what that can lead to, but her brothers are not as eager to make new friends or reach out and often they resent her for her friendships and the attention she gets.

Her oldest brother sometimes seems to feel like he has to compete with her for attention and that she should be less outgoing and friendly and more like everyone else in the family, reclusive and reserved, but she resists that and it makes him angry. 

Yesterday he became upset with her and it was like my ex husband was standing in my living room, yelling at my daughter. He said things that my ex had said. His posture and attitude were the same and it was like a switch was thrown in my brain. I love my son with all my heart, but I will not see this cycle continued. My daughter will not grow up to be me. I stepped between them and sent her to her room to play with her brothers and I sat him down on the couch and we had a talk unlike any talk we have ever had. It went on for a couple of hours and I used every tool at my disposal, including guilt. 

I told him that like it or not, he is her male role model since everyone else has abandoned her. He is her example of how men act and how they treat women. He is it, a formerly abused child himself who has never had a male role model that didn't denigrate him or abuse him, is her only example of how a man is supposed to act. He was horrified and terrified. I asked him if he wanted her to grow up thinking that its acceptable for men to call her a,"Stupid Bitch" and shove her around or worse. I asked him if he wanted her to have low self esteem so that she would end up either thinking she deserved to be used and abused or that she should abuse her body with drugs and alcohol. I told him stories from my own past, and I made him cry. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but by the time I was done talking, my ex was gone from his eyes and I didn't hear him in is voice anymore. 

I told him that I had been the last line of defense between a small child and an angry ogre for over 10 years and it was time I got to stand down and have some peace in my life. We are finally together and free. The pain and anger and horror that was our lives is gone and it needs to stay that way. 

I think he finally grasped it, I hope so. Its been a long war and its taken a toll on me, Im weary of the battle.