Dear Roger: A Low High

What a month! Im not going to say a word about wondering if anything else is looming, after all, we all know that just incites the greater being to wind up on me again, or actually never on ME directly for some reason, that I would be fine with, he delights in picking on those I hold near and dear.
Right now he seems to be focusing on my sister. Tomorrow she is headed into Dallas Presbyterian hospital to meet with her team of doctors to fight the battle yet again. (To my anonymous commentator, Thank you for your kind comments last night, it was like a pat on the shoulder that was really needed), they are going to be doing a bunch of tests to find out how big and bad the mass is, and if it is all wound up into her gut and intestine. I wish it was me instead of her. I was supposed to have a biopsy of a mass two years ago and I chose to ignore it because I believe that no news is good news. I'm still walking around. I pretty much spit in his eye and dare him to take me out and I'm still walking around. I'm skinny as a crackhead and pale as a ghost, but I get by. She takes care of herself, she does what she is supposed to do and this is what she gets in return? She is a good person and I'm obstinate and misanthropic, prone to fits of pique and temperamental, devoted to my kids and a very limited amount of people that pretty much are found on the confines of my Facebook page or twitter feed. My sis has friends, shes got a business and all kinds of reasons to be the lucky one, but she cant seem to catch a damn break.
Yesterday should have been so happy for me because I finally took the step and published my first book. Its not one of my major stories, its actually a short story I wrote after hearing an interview and getting a case of the what if the greater being was asleep at the switch and not watching over drunks and fools for a moment? I have a very dark imagination at times.  I sat down and wrote the story out and then let it sit in a file on my desk top for a few months. I played with it from time to time, adding to it and changing things to suit what I thought would work best and then I made myself stop tinkering with it. I let a friend pre-read it to see what she thought and to my shock, she loved it best of all my stories and encouraged me to publish it so I decided to make it may sacrificial lamb of sorts. I threw it out into the water to let the sharks taste it, and if they eat it, then I will throw my pride and joy in next.
I am editing one of my major stories for publication. Its one that is near and dear to my heart and I wrote my heart and soul into it, so I have been really reticent about putting into the common market, but now, I think its time because I have hope that maybe if the folks who gave me the nerve to finally write it, see what they inspired.I am even putting a special dedication page dedicating my most prized work to the 100 Monkeys, Jackson, Jerad, Ben G. Ben J. Larry and especially Spencer Bell for providing the light and hope in the darkness.
 Working on it and trying to get all my grammar fubars has been a trial and a bit frustrating, but its also good for keeping me distracted from all the stress of what is going on around me that I cant fix.
That is the entire crux of my problem, I am a fixer. I was an Emt because I wanted to save people when they needed help and were hurt. I was a firefighter because I wanted to save peoples homes and lives. I became a cop because I wanted to save people and make the world a better place. I studied law and mediation so I could help people, but now? Now I just have to sit here, sit on my hands and watch and the world blows up around me and things fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Its probably the most frustrating place to be in the entire world.
As my book gets promoted tomorrow on Facebook and Amazon, I will be celebrating finally living my dream, and hoping that as my dream comes to life, I am not going to have to watch everyone else's die, because I would gladly trade places.