Dear Roger: Dont Avada Kedavra Your Brother for Stuffing Your Monkey Down His Pants

I am a referee. That is pretty much what I spend my days doing now, when I am not playing maid, cook and counselor. My kids are back to acting like the have never been apart, so they are back to bickering and fighting and teasing each other relentlessly. Most of the time its good natured and they are just having fun, but sometimes it gets a bit heated and I have to step in and end the fighting before it gets too bloody. The one most likely to get physical is my little girl. The boys like to torment her by stealing her Jackson or by making jokes about her favorite boy, and then all hell breaks loose. I try not to micro-manage, to let them work it out on their own, but when she has Sticky down on the floor and is punching him, I have to step in and send the parties to opposite ends of the apartment.

She is tough, and a little mean. I know that, but you know what? She has been around 3 older brothers and she has had to deal with a lot in her short life. Shes a very smart kid and she keeps us all on our toes with how much she knows and is capable of. She decided to play Sodoku yesterday. I dont know how to play Sodoku. She just sat there very matter of fact, with a pen, working over the page, muttering to herself and marking until she was done. She tried to explain it to me and said,"Its soo easy and fun!" but I just kinda glazed over. She is pretty damn good at Scrabble too. She tried to get her brothers to play against her, but her oldest brother warned them that she gloats when she wins, so they refused to play that and insisted on playing cards instead.

Today is the first day of school for the kids and while I am glad they are getting back into a routine, I am also worried about her. Her teacher told me that budget cuts have killed the 'Gifted" curriculum. So that means my child, who functions several grade levels above her peers in many areas, is going to be sitting in a classroom, unchallenged. She is going to be bored and soon frustrated. She will quickly tire of getting all the little certificates that say yes, she is smart and making all "A's" and she will realize that she is the only kid in her class reading Harry Potter and understanding it, and she will ask me again,"Why do I have to go to school?" I dont know what to do. I cannot afford private school for her. I cannot even afford music or dance lessons for her. With all four kids on my own, and two jobs that are part time or off and on, I am lucky to be able to feed them. I am getting no help from the ex. He called the other day to tell me he had sold the washer and dryer, a nice, expensive, HE set that I loved for its water saving and energy saving qualities, for $500. He was thrilled and happy. I felt sick considering what they had cost less than 2 short years ago. When asked if he could send some money to help with the kids, I was told that he needed the money to,"Get Right". yeah...like that's going to happen.

Im trying to find resources for my little girl, and for her brothers to challenge them. I make sure she has all the art supplies she could ever need, and I do my best to make sure that son's guitar has new strings at least once a month, but he has never had a lesson, and she desperately wants violin lessons. The other two boys are still trying to find their niche,but Stubby seems to like music as well and has mentioned wanting to play the trumpet. I dont know how that would go over in an apartment, but I know music is a good thing and it soothes the savage beasts, and considering all the mayhem that goes on around here, that might be a good, good thing.

Dear Roger: "Get The Monkey Out of Your Pants!" and other lapses in sanity

The boys have finally stopped feeling like they are guests in their home. I know this is true because they have started teasing and harassing their sister and being the boys I know they can be. I have said,"Get the monkey out of your pants!" more times in the past week that I have said in the past couple of years, and considering that her eldest brother used to stuff her Jackson down his pants as torture for daughter on about a weekly basis,that is saying something.

I dont know where my mind was today when I went along with sons bright idea to take everyone and go to Ikea. Four kids, Ikea on a Saturday on a HOLIDAY weekend. I am lucky I didn't make the evening news. It was crowded, busy and noisy as hell and that was just my little contribution to the fray. I bought a few things to make 5 people sharing an apartment that made 2 people feel crowded, a little more comfortable and then we went looking for a few things daughter needed for school at the mall that was attached. Eldest son had plotted to have his girlfriend meet him in the Ikea, so she was with us for quite a while. I feel sure that this little outing served to forever put her off having sex and especially having kids, so I guess it was a worthwhile venture.

We didn't find daughter any good boots for school but mainly because she was more interested in scooting around the floors of the stores in her socks and enjoying the way being in socks on tile helped her to dance than us not finding any good boots. She got her new monkey backpack to go along with all her monkey related school supplies, so she counted today as a success, even if she did have to put up with Jackson getting locked in the trunk of the car we had borrowed for the day because I was tired of carrying him around and dealing with her brothers stealing him and doing crude things. Both boys already have marks from where she has tore them up in defense of her monkey, so big brother made the executive decision to lock him in the trunk.

I gave up the master bedroom. After measuring and looking at all the options, it just made more sense to let the boys have the bigger room with the extra closet. Its close living, but we are adjusting and settling in. School starts back on Tuesday for the little kids and Wednesday for big brother. I am getting more and more work and I even have a couple upcoming extra gigs that look to be happening in the next two weeks. Life is crazy and I barely have any time to myself, but I love having my sons home with me and even though im 10 times more broke that I was before they came home, we are still finding ways to have fun and the boys seem happy.

The ex called to say he had quit smoking...again, which makes me even happier that I got the boys out of there, because last time he quit smoking, we all suffered.

The musical instruments are finally starting to get used regularly. We have 2 guitars that son constantly is messing with, a violin that daughter is wanting to get started on, and enough harmonicas and penny whistles that I could start a full band. The boys are sorting out what they want to play and daughter is constantly getting them to sing with her and she is forcing them into her plays and teaching them how to pray. Listening to Sticky pray is hysterically funny. He yells at everyone to close their eyes and,'Listen up, dang it!" and he starts in with what sounds like someone speaking in tongues. He rambles on for a minute or two, unless he catches someone with their eyes open, and then he starts over after yelling at them to "Keep eyes closed! Dammit!" then he mutters and rambles on few more minutes and when he ends it he says a very loud and exuberant,'AMEN!" He stated leading the prayers after everyone complained that daughter was taking soo long with all her prayers for her favorite monkey men along with her other add ins, but I think we are beginning to rue that decision. I have given up ever eating a hot meal ever again.

Dear Roger: Lack of "Try Hard"

I just don't get it. I took my kids school clothes shopping yesterday and I was easily able to get the boys new stylish shoes,jeans so that they actually have at least 2 pairs of pants apiece,hoodies,socks,a couple of shirts and sweaters, as well as a pair of jeans for daughter, for under $200. Its been hard trying to figure out why my ex thought it was okay for his sons to not have any pants or to be wearing shoes that were rotten and falling apart, or why he didn't take care of their basic needs. I work a job that is beneath my education and ability, but you know what? Its a paycheck that keeps my kids in the things they need. I would do pretty much anything when it comes to making sure my kids are fed and clothed and housed, but he doesn't seem to grasp that concept. Sometimes as an adult you have to do without and you have to sacrifice for the good of others, especially your kids. It can be as simple as giving your daughter the last piece of chicken when she says she is hungry, even though you just walked in from work and are dead on your feet and starving yourself. Its just what a parent does. What I found down in AZ was the opposite of that. He had new boots,(2 pair), and a fresh can of tobacco for his can a week habit. He wasn't buying food for the boys because he was on foodstamps but the things he was bringing into the house for them to eat was absolute crap. If he had quit smoking, he could have spent the $13.00 a week and bought them decent shoes and some clothes, but he wouldn't sacrifice himself. I just don't understand why? Why would he not see them as coming first? He doesn't seem to have any pride at all. I know he is not a nice man, I ended up a the wrong end of his hands and his straight razor enough to know that, but why keep my sons if he wasn't going to take care of them? I try not to dwell on it or get angry, but I just got off the phone with him, finding out if he was going to have his yard sale today or not, and he got angry with me for ,'nagging". I pretty much used up every spare dime I had, as well as swapped around other things in the family budget in order to clothe children that should have had plenty of things, so I think I have a right to suggest he get off his ass and actually do something.

I managed to keep calm when I went to get my sons. I knew if I stepped out of line or argued with him at all, it would end very badly, so I just bit my tongue when I saw that the weeds were so thick that my children could not even go out in the yard. I kept my peace when I saw that he hadn't cleaned the house in what looked like months. I kept quiet when I saw that he had taken down the boys new bunk beds that I had bought them before I left, and that he had them disassembled and set aside in the,'Sale" room along with my sons guitars, much of my antiques and art as well as the boys game system that supposedly broke. I kept quiet when I saw how he had ripped decor off the walls and broke more than a few things I had put up. I just waited until he left and I video taped the filth all over the place, the dining room that looked like a tweekers nest, the back closet with the plastic sheet over the door and the paraphernalia. He had enough money for drugs, but not enough to buy shoes for his kids.

Its hard to not hate him. Destroying the house and van as well as most of my possessions that I had been unable to take left me wanting to rage and yell at first, but then the rage turned to disgust. Last year when I fled with my son and little girl, it felt like he had won. He had gotten the house, the van, all the things I had worked hard to acquire and establish for my kids, but the worst of all was that he still had my sons. I do hate that judge that said he had,'Rights" and I wish that judge had to live in that filth and deprivation with a man who did something that left my youngest son feeling the need to cringe and repeatedly say,'Im sorry" whenever it gets loud or whenever he thinks he is in trouble. My ex thinks he is coming up to Portland. He has plans to sell off everything and somehow get up here. I hope he doesn't. I don't want him anywhere near my kids again. I don't want them to have to deal with whatever situation he is going to end up in up here. I know him, if he does manage to get up here, he will find some rat hole apartment or room in the bad part of town and he will expect my sons to go live with him.My boys don't need that disruption. My daughter doesn't even know him anymore and what she knows of him makes her upset. She calls him by his name. Not,'Dad" or even father, but by his name. He let her down soo much that she found other male role models, and she is happy. I hope to make my boys happy again, but with the threat of him making it up here, they wonder how long the stability will last.

He whined at me that he wasn't going to do a yard sale on Friday because its ,'Too hard" to get set up and ready for 2 days. He whined that he couldn't take a job working in a restaurant because,"Thats beneath me and not worth my time." I've tried to get him to understand that a job is a job and that there is no shame in hard work, but there is lots of shame in hardly working. I don't get how an ex-con with a drug habit and no degree, expects to step into a job that pays top wages and is easy? He has tried scheme after scheme to make easy money, including finding some ambulance chaser to sue the poor bastard that rear ended him a few months ago in am minor traffic accident. He whined that he got whiplash and that he has suffered, but I am skeptical as is the opposing party who is fighting back. He has been sitting back, waiting to collect 20k so that he can,'Start over" , instead of getting off his ass and working for it.

I will never get any child support from him. I am resigned to that fact. He is the type that would try to take the kids just so he didn't have to pay. He has lost all his power now, and the only way he can bully me or get anything over on me is to threaten the few possessions I had to leave there. My dog is dead. Ferg died in July and I know I will never get the full truth of circumstances of his death, but I just hope that it was quick and painless. He was always nicer to animals than he was humans, so maybe I am right to hope for that.

I wanted to rage and vent and do something to deal with all the anger and rage I have at him, but it would just upset my kids and probably just make me feel worse, but I hope he cannot get up here. I hope he has to do without like my kids did. I hope he just goes and lives with his mother like his other dead-beat brother did and I hope he never darkens my door again. I made it for years, taking care of the kids on my own, making every dollar stretch enough to feed and clothe and care for my kids without his help and often having to struggle and fight and hide things just to make sure that he didn't see them and get angry at me or my kids.

Venting here is about the only outlet I have, but I am going to try and make this the last I speak of all of the anger I have towards him. I am done appeasing him because my kids will no longer suffer his ire when he hangs up the phone. I am done letting him have the power to ruin my mood or the day. I am just done with him because he is unfix-able, and not worth my time. He will probably end up back in jail, and I have no doubt he will try to gain my pity, but all he will get is my disgust at a person who expects me to fix his life when he wont even get up off his ass and try. My kids and I are free and with the help of the courts in Oregon, I hope to make sure that is how things stay.

Dear Roger: Never-Ending Weirdness

I am outnumbered and trying to keep up with all the chaos that 4 kids can inflict,is exhausting. On top of keeping a job that helps to pay a few of the bills, I am also dealing with endless meetings regarding Stickys schooling and his special needs, trying to get my other kids into the doctor for check ups and flu shots as well as making sure I keep everything straight and the house in order. Its not easy to keep the house clean. I am constantly picking up after someone, washing dishes or de-furring the bathroom, or worse! When I was getting the boys ready for their shower last night, I took the opportunity to clean the bathroom. I found pee on the back of the commode! How the hell does that happen?! Do they just stand there, hands on hips and let it flail about like an errant sprinkler? I was disgusted and disturbed. They were both potty trained and clean when I left AZ, but now it seems that they have forgotten how to do everything. I asked my oldest son to re-educate them on proper bathroom procedure, but there are days I wonder if he is even capable of it? He shaved himself again!I cleaned up enough hair to stuff a pillow for a cat. He tried to deny shaving himself, but I offered to being him the evidence and he quickly dropped his protests of innocence.

Eldest son has been a bit odd lately. He got the cowboy boots he had wanted for so long and hes been wearing them quite a bit. He likes the fact that they make him taller even though he is rapidly approaching the 6ft mark and doesn't need any help looking tall and imposing, but I don't think he appreciates his sister ripping on him so much about imitating her Jackson. I had to laugh because yeah, it really does seem like that his what is afoot, especially when he is wearing the boots with skinny jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt with his worn out brown leather belt. I just shake my head and keep my thoughts mostly to myself. There are worse people the boy could choose to imitate, and hes at least not wearing his pants hanging too far off his ass anymore and he is taking pride in his appearance. He is getting really good at the guitar,and he spends hours practicing and learning new techniques. I have heard him singing to his girlfriend again and that is pretty cute. I only hope he takes his schooling more seriously this year and pulls his grades up. Having his sister telling him that if he keeps messing up, she will soon be in the same grade as him, did seem to help motivate him a little, but he is more interested in his guitar and becoming a musician.

My daughter is dealing with all the changes the best out of all of us. She has had to put up with monkey theft and attempted stuffing of her Jackson down the pants of both little boys, but her horrified shriek and comment that since they weren't very clean and it wouldn't be 'Sanitary" helped to stop that attempt, along with the fact she tackled and threaten to pound the dust out of the offender. She has harassed her brother, Stubby in to finally picking up a book and getting serious about reading it. She rubbed his nose in the fact she is now on chapter 10 of the first Harry Potter book,and she even took to reading it aloud for him and his brother since she thought he couldn't read it. Her condescending tone fired him up and he finally got started on it. Not having free run of tv or video games has really helped to get them motivated to do other more positive things like reading or drawing and one very, very heated game of Scrabble. Stubby is a bit of a sore loser, especially when the winner is his gloating, sarcastic, baby sister. She has been a big help and good sister to her brother Sticky, she teaches little classes to him daily,and she has been getting him to count and use his words like he is supposed to , the only downside of her playing with him so much is the fact she dresses him up in dresses and last night she took a pink marker and gave him eye shadow. I would really prefer my boys wait until I am dead and gone before they begin cross-dressing, much like I would prefer to be be gone before she starts dating since I already have a strong feeling I am not going to be happy with her choices.

A good scrubbing got most of the eye shadow off, but there is still a faint tint to his eyelids and an admonishment to her that her brother has enough weird habits without adding wearing makeup to them, seemed to put a stop to that for the evening.

Having all the kids is exhausting and getting them back into the routine that I had them in previously, is going to take time and effort, but they are already doing better and they seem to cope better knowing what is expected and that I have rules just like we had a year ago. There have been lots of hugs, a few tears, and even a few fights that I have had to break up and then sentence people to time out and a lecture from me about the importance of family and working together in times of difficulty, but they seem to be getting it.

Dear Roger: Adjustments and Playing,"Whats That Smell?"

What a huge change has hit us. I knew it was going to be crazy, but trying to get everyone settled in and ready for the beginning of school has been exhausting. The boys have been allowed to basically live like monkeys the past year, and retraining them to act like civilized humans is going to take work and time.

Stubby is struggling at times to deal with all of it. I know he misses his father in spite of how they were living, but I also have sensed he is somewhat relieved. Trying to get him to understand that we dont hit or yell or call names is a work in progress. He occasionally gets over whelmed and goes on a rant, saying repeatedly,'Im Sorry" as if he is chanting. He throws temper tantrums and gets over-emotional over the smallest things, and I recognize all the symptoms of a child that has endured too much. I just wrap him up in a hug and tell him over and over that I love him and that I will fix things. As soon as the medical coverage starts, I am getting him and his brother in for a physical and I am going to get a referral to counseling for him. I think it would do him well to have someone to talk to. My eldest son has been working on teaching him guitar and I intend to find a 1/2 size of his own as soon as possible, because focusing on the music and the lessons are the things that seem to bring him peace and a smile to his face.

Sticky is doing good, but his personal grooming habits have regressed to the point that I am having to supervise him to make sure he is cleaning himself. That makes me soo angry, because before they stayed with their father, both of my boys were very adept at personal care and they actually cared how they looked and dressed. Not having any pants that fit probably made things difficult, but having to supervise my 11 y/o in the shower is not something I anticipated. My eldest son helps some, but he is over-whelmed as well. He did help teach Stubby to tie his shoes, and we are working on re-teaching Sticky to button his pants and brush his own teeth, but its going to be slow going. I keep an almost military style of order in the house, with a predictable, sane schedule and I make sure the kids have chores and places for their things so that we all don't go crazy tripping over each others stuff. Giving them some responsibility for their towels and toothbrushes as well as a place for their few toys that I was able to bring with them, helps to keep the arguing down.

Sticky is clinging to his sister like she is the guide to everything, and bless her, she has been with him. She mother-hens him more than I do, but she also involves him in her games and her reading. She tries to put a positive spin on everything and she is determined to help the boys get back in shape and Sticky back to being the happy go lucky boy we knew before he lived like a savage for a year.

I remind my eldest that he needs to be kind and patient, as well as to not raise his voice, because when anyone raises their voices, the boys flinch and try to disappear. He has been working hard to keep calm and deal with all the changes, but its not easy because he has temporarily lost his room as well as all of his privacy. He surrendered his bedroom so that two beds could be placed in there and the boys could have a place to get out of the commotion. I am looking for a loft bed, so he will not only have his own private space, but so that he will not have to sleep on the couch. There is soo much to be done, and they need soo many things, that it seems over-whelming at times. I went school supplies shopping yesterday and even though I spent over $40, I still came home without supplies for the oldest,(who also finally had to admit his old backpack was dead), but I also didn't get 1/3 of the supplies they needed because they were either sold out or I couldn't afford them.

Calling the ex does no good. He laughed and said, 'Well, you know Ill help out when I get ahead." which means NEVER, so I know I am truly on my own with everything. I have done this before though. I know I can do it and I know I will get the things they need like jeans and hoodies and a spare pair of shoes for when their others are wet, but I feel bad that it will take things away from daughter. She wants dance and music lessons so badly, she watches any show with dancing on it, imitating the moves and dragging her brothers into tangos and waltzes, as well as forcing them to do things like bow and thank the invisible crowd she is always performing for. I dont count on the schools to offer much, the budget cuts have brutalized the music and arts programs, so I am going to have to try and figure out how to make things happen on my own for her, but I think its important. It has to be easier here than it was in Flagstaff. I got all my kids through almost a decade of deprivation and poverty, and that was in a town where it was twice the cost of living of where we are now. Yes, its going to be harder because I dont have a car and Yes, its going to be more expensive because they are older, but I KNOW we are safe and that no one is spending the money I make on drugs or tools or whatever. I tell the kids that its all hands on deck and we all work together to make it happen, to make our family strong and happy again, and I know we can do it. My kids are resilient and considering what they came out of, they have to be happier with predictable meal times, a clean house and attention from not only me, but their big brother and sister, who though she is the youngest is acting in more the big sister role.

Getting the boys off soda was a bit rocky. They started caffeine withdrawal and Stickys complaints about headaches and upset stomach made me upset. I weaned them off gradually and now they dont even ask for it because they know its not happening. Healthy meals and not being able to snack on demand and not being offered food as a distraction so they leave someone alone, has already worked to help start them losing weight so they get back down to their normal sizes. Stubby has done the best with that, and at the park he was eagerly running all over behind his sister who acts like a drill sergeant running a PT program.

Sticky is perched on the end of my bed right now, he is the early bird out of all of my kids and he seems to have already decided that hes happy here. He comes in every morning, carrying the monkey that his sister gave him, and he then crawls onto the foot of my bed to perch like a demented gargoyle. He likes to watch PBS and that actually is a good thing because the shows are reinforcing his learning. He loves to listen to music so his sister and him often turn on the Ipod really early and spend a good part of the morning dancing to the 100 Monkeys and singing along. He has reclaimed his favorite song,"Reaper" and we are all respecting his demand that only he sings it. I hope next year to be able to take him to a concert and let him see them live. I know he would be amazed.

Im constantly tired, but its a good and happy tired. I have my children home and I intend to keep it that way. He fucked up. He kept them out of a petty desire to hurt me to the maximum amount, but he also ended up hurting my kids. I wish that damn judge that looked past the convictions he had for what he did to me and my oldest boy, the judge who ignored the fact that he had been in prison for two years for what he did, they judge who gave him the right to say I couldn't take all the children out of state without his permission, had to live like my children lived for the past year in a dark and disgustingly dirty house with a man who wouldn't or couldn't provide even their basic needs because he has no,"Try hard". i have enough,"Try hard" for all of us and I hope to instill some of that in my kids because God forbid they follow after the other example.

Dear Roger:Home, Without Any Blood Spilled

What a week this has been! We just arrived home last night and it was a manic,"Lets see who snaps first", party from the moment we hit the door. The boys ran through the house as we tried to unpack, seemingly frenetically trying to find the point that would make me raise my voice or snap at them. I must be getting mellow in my old age or perhaps it is just the sheer joy at having my children together, that made me just watch and referee as they worked to establish who was who in the pecking order. Daughter established right off that she may be the youngest, but she is the boss. There was a a lot of hysterical hugging and then they ran into the house where she began to show them where everything was. Stubby had to test her warning about the monkeys. I knew he would, there was no way he was going to be able to resist trying to torture her by stealing her Jackson and attempting to do something crude with it. After the tackle, takedown and punch, he realized that not only had his baby sister grown to equal his height, but she had grown in her ability to take care of herself and protect the things she loves.

She helped him up afterwards, and then she looked at him in that way that told me something really blunt was fixing to be laid down. She said,"Cole, you have gotten fat and its not a good look on you! We are going to have to fix that with exercise and a good diet, so why dont you come dance with me now?"

Stubby was a bit take aback and he said,"Its rude to call someone fat." She agreed with him but then told him that he was her brother and she could tell him the truth. She drug him and his brother into the living room and she got my eldest to dig out my ipod and put on the 100 Monkeys for them to dance to. I actually videoed some of it because it was just too precious of a moment to miss. She drug her brother, Sticky, into a dance that was a mix between a waltz, a tango and some slam dancing. This went on for about an hour as she just about forced them to get up and move. I anticipate the weight loss will progress rapidly.

The weight was the least of the things I found down there in AZ that made me so angry and upset I had a hard time holding my tongue and maintaining the polite gratitude that was needed to get through it without ending up at the wrong end of one of the throwing knives he had sitting on the counter in the dining room.

The house that I had left him with new carpet, new paint and remodeled with the lowest house payment in the entire county, fully stocked with things like 6 months worth of laundry soap and food, as well as clothing that would last the boys a year, and beyond if he got them the minor things or kept them in reasonable shape.

Driving up to the house was a huge shock. The neighborhood looks like a war zone, with concrete barricades, sand bag walls, heavy machinery rumbling through constantly as the state and county try to battle back the floods. The house was barely visible through the weeds. A thick, impenetrable jungle of goat weed had taken over the yard, and it was soo tall in places I could not be seen if I walked behind it. There was no way for the boys to go out into the back or even the front yard. He had not cut the weeds in a year. The inside of the house was what hit me the hardest. All my decorating had been literally ripped down and thrown into boxes. The house smelled terrible, a mix of cigarette/weed smoke, dog and just general filth. He had ripped the living room carpet out and had thrown it out the back door where it lay, moldering in the occasional rains. There was a layer of dust and dog hair on everything, the curtains remained drawn all day long and the house was dank and depressing. The leather furniture was beyond filthy, and I didnt even want to sit down, but when he gave me a terse,'Sit down and try not to look so disgusted." I sat and realized with a shock that I was going to have to work hard to keep my true feelings hidden unless I wanted it all to go pear shaped.

He had disassembled the boys good bunk beds and stored them in what had been Stubbys room along with their tv's and many of their toys. It was his,'For sale" room. The boys were relegated to one bedroom and one twin bed to share. Sticky slept in the bed with him back in the master bedroom. The appliances I had left, including the expensive washer and dryer, were grimy and a pile of laundry lay on the floor in front of them. The dining room was what really set me off though and made it very hard to keep my peace. There was no place for them to sit and eat. He had moved his jewelry making bench, computer and stereo system out there and had just taken over. There were no more family meals. The boys told me they ate on the floor in front of the tv. What enraged me was the chemicals and equipment within easy reach of my children. The pickling bath and acid wash were right at eye level to the boys. Sharp knives, picks and machinery were right there, nothing keeping them from getting into them. The medications were right on the counter, and there was just junk piled all over the place in what looked like a tweekers nest. The fridge contained no less than 3 cases of soda and the boys gleefully told me that they had a soda everyday, and it showed. They are both easily 20lbs overweight and had no pants that fit them. They were walking around in shorts they could not button, underwear that was stained beyond recognition and shoes that were rotten and holey. Their hair had not been cut, they are pale, and they have some disturbing behaviors. Stubby says,'Im Sorry" like its a religious mantra and he tries to shrink whenever things get tense or stressful. His tension and stress are visible in the fact that hes biting his finger again. Sticky has regressed in his reading and his self care. They alternately went from joy at leaving to tears at missing their father, though the relationship was rife with dysfunction. He sat for hours on the computer. Lights off and the house dark and quiet, he just sat there reading odd stories or trolling craigslist to see if any of the things he was trying to sell, had any hits while the boys sat in the one bedroom they were allowed in and played video games for hours on end.

I went over and talked to a neighbor I had been friendly with, to find that she was leaving and moving to Tucson to escape the disaster zone. She was shocked to see me and even more shocked to find out that the boys were still in the house across the street. She had noticed that Ferg was gone, and wondered what had happened, but she said she had never seen the boys outside at all. She was shocked to find out they had been there all year long. She said she had never heard them or seen them, and she thought he was there alone. My sons had not been outside to play at all. With the weeds that had taken over the yard, it was impossible for them. I knew he had a weed cutter, he had at least chopped back a narrow path from the where the van parked to the front door with it and it was leaning against the stairs, but even though he was unemployed and sitting home most of the last 3 months, he had done nothing to clear the yard or clean.

The van was thrashed inside and out. The paint was peeling off and pieces of trim were hanging down. It was evident that he had done nothing to maintain it, including taking it in for the mandatory recalls to fix the dangerous problem with the front end. He told me he intended to drive it up to Portland and give it to me to drive the kids around in, I told him not to bother.

I managed to keep my mouth shut most of the time. I was stuck there with him for a couple of days, hashing things out and trying desperately to rescue some of the things that I cared about. He wouldst let me take some of them, telling me,"Ill bring them to Portland when I come." which means they are lost to me. I managed to stash baby books and a few precious things that he wouldn't miss when he was gone to sell the flatscreen tv I had left. He is just having an endless yard sale on Craigslist until the foreclosure is done and he is forced out. I know the house will be condemned when they get it, there is just too much damage, too much decay and there is just no value in attempting to fix it.

I noticed that he had several newer pairs of boots and things for himself, but the boys were wearing the clothes I had left for them along with clothes that the local firefighter charity had given them.

I managed to pack up 7 boxes of things for the kids as well as rescuing some of my things that had been left in storage in a spare room, but that he had started going through to look for valuables to sell. I scrounged enough money to buy the boys each a pair of shoes for the trip home as well as some underwear and I just bided my time until we left on Friday night.

It was tense and stressful and I dont think my stomach quit hurting the entire time I was there, and I hated to hear myself working to appease him when he started getting upset. It was soo easy to fall back into that role of the ,"Yes, woman" even though I have worked so hard to bury that. I had a goal in mind and that was getting my children out of there with the signed and notarized letter in hand giving me permission to leave the state with them, without involving the police or getting hurt, and I managed to do it.

When we got on the train I felt as if we had escaped from prison. The boys were anxious and gleeful at the same time. I managed to get them to settle down and sleep pretty quickly on the train, and took advantage of that and slept like the dead myself. Though the train ride was exhausting, it was not as stressful as I had anticipated. We quickly developed a team effort and though they were bored much of the time, they enjoyed the trip.

I have a lot of work to do over the next few weeks. I have to get them enrolled in school and get them to the doctor and dentist and I am going to have to find the money for clothes for them as well as supplies for school and just living. They had a few requests for me right off the bat, they want bicycles so they could learn to ride, and they want a piano so they can play and they want to be able to listen to music whenever they want. Considering they are giving up all their friends in Flagstaff, the only home they have known along with soda and video games and being allowed to just sit constantly, I dont think that is going to be something I could refuse them.

Its good to have them home. I know its going to be a long road for all of us, but I also know it can be done with determination, stubbornness and love.We have all that in spades.

Dear Roger: Im Just Part Of Her Entourage

You know,re- reading the blog from yesterday, where I was soo stressed and worried about how the concert day was going to go down, I have to laugh. How could I have been worried that anything that involved my little girl and her favorite band of monkeys was going to be anything but wondrous and amazing? I may stress things a little too much and perhaps I should take a page from her playbook and just see the joy and happiness and,"MonkeyFun" in everything. It was truly another great day.

It took forever to get her to go to bed the night before, and the picture I took of her on the train at 7:55 in the morning show a slightly grumpy looking child clutching her monkey a little too tightly, looking like she just got drug a 1/4 mile at a fast hike,(it wasn't THAT fast) but she does have short legs I guess. We were all a little giddy and punch drunk that early in the morning, and I dont do well with the unknown or things out of my control and I was damn sure dealing with a WHOLE WORLD full of that, working around my friends schedule,(WHAT A TROOPER!), the 100 Monkeys and the venues, Portland traffic, a Max that was running behind all stinking day and weather that was honestly hotter than BALLS! The fact I did not end up going rabid super ninja on someone before 12 noon speaks to how well I am doing.

Talk about putting me out of my comfort zone? How about just erasing my comfort zone all together, snuggling up against me and breathing down my neck? I let my daughter wander around with people I dont really know. I let her not only hug a young man I dont know all that well, I let him pick her up! I talked to him! I dont think I stuttered too much, though I know for a fact my damn hand shook pretty hard because my tattoo got noticed and when he asked to see it, the shake was pretty evident. I got my picture took with the band. Yup, me! Turned my back on a group of men, one of them holding my baby, and I got my picture taken with them, though if you look at me, you can tell Im a might bit twitchy by that point, the clenched fist and the hand holding onto the arm is pretty good evidence, but I did smile.

My daughter was in heaven. She got to talk to her Jackson a good long bit and they bounced together, she got him to sign her monkey. They ended up giving us,"Meet and Greet" Passes because she was just such a little charmer. I swear, I loved the Voodoo Donuts show the best, but for getting to spend a moment talking at him, yesterday was awesome for her.

They played 3 songs at BB, and it wasn't as intimate or as charming as Voodoo and truthfully the manager of the BB in Beaverton was an ass to the fans waiting for the show and lost the store more than a few sales of guitar strings and even the possible sale of a guitar in the next month, but Im not going to dwell on one guy who wasn't even affiliated with the band. We got a decent spot and when the band came in, a photographer managed to successfully totally block my daughters and my view of the band, so my son stood her on the stool she had been sitting on so she could sort of see, and I just made do. I could see my daughter swaying back and forth with the biggest grin on her face in the world when they started with,'Shy Water" and it brought home to me that its been a year of such changes and that she is such a happy child now. We were in such transition when we first heard that song live together, and its with out lives in transition we hear it live again, and so with all those people around me smiling and laughing, my goofy self had tears rolling. I fly out of Portland this Wednesday to go to Flagstaff to get the boys, thanks to not only my cousin, but 100 Monkey fans I will be bringing them home to Portland.

Once we left the store and walked back to the Max, allowing for me to have a moment of collecting myself on the sidewalk and a brief stop to get some treats for the kids, we headed directly to the venue because we were worried about getting good placement for the little kids. Stevie quickly got bored with sitting on the hot sidewalk and once the bus got parked, she wanted to be up with the girls who had all the interesting things like balloons and where the water was. Since I could see her, and they seemed like a harmless bunch that wasn't cussing a lot or acting too disreputable, I gave permission. The next thing I knew, she was singing her songs and dancing for them and clapping coupled with hysterical giggles were coming from the direction my child had taken off in. I hear her saying,"Oh thank you, thank you! you are too kind!" Followed by more of her singing, then joke telling and then a dramatic retelling and re-enactment of 'The Adventures Of Super Monkey".

My daughter made friends yesterday. She made fans yesterday. She was filmed multiple times singing her song. The crowd clapped for her enthusiastically and laughed at her antics and I stayed out of it. Like I told one young woman who asked if I was,"Stevie's Mom"? I said that I was her mom, but that I am just the person who handles the transportation,pays the bills and makes sure she goes to bed by 830 on school nights, I dont tell her to stop what she is doing and I dont try to direct or control what direction it goes as long as she is safe. Stevie is a free spirit with a high creative drive and one true abiding love that fuels her and makes her happy and that is that boy. I dont encourage or really discourage. I may groan and tease her and remind her that he is a,'Stinky, sweaty boy" but she is 7 and all she cares about right now is that he is a very kind boy who signed her monkey and talked to her and oh yeah, hung the moon.

She knows he is a sweaty boy now because after the show was almost over, and he had performed his heart out, rocking the house to her and everyone's delight, he came to the edge of the stage where she was standing and he handed her his headband, his sopping wet with sweat, red headband. All the girls around her said,'Aww How CUTE!" simultaneously while she turned to me and said,"Mom, its wet! Eww, can you take it?" I had to laugh, but I took it and wrapped it around her monkey. I am really appreciative to him for finally busting the myth that he isn't a stinky sweaty boy, she now knows different. It does not make a whit of difference to her, because after all that went on yesterday she is even MORE convinced he is the best thing ever, but at least she knows hes human and not a demigod.

It was a great night, a great show and we left out of there having seen 4 fantastic bands, 2 of which I hadn't paid attention to before, but after hearing live I will be looking to see them again as well as buying their music. I really liked "Bleeding Horse Express" and "The Angry Orts" and even my son admitted he enjoyed them quite a bit. My son was pretty taken with,"Kissing Club" and wants their CD, so once we get the boys home and things situated next month, I will have to buy some new music.

For Chances second real rock concert, it was quite an eye opener for him. He looks quite a bit older than he is, and I dont require him to stay attached at my side, in fact, since Stevie and I were dancing and doing things that would be embarrassing to a teen boy, I gave him permission to stand away from us a ways, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have done that.

My son is a good looking boy. I dont say that being egotistical, I say that being pragmatic. He is over 5'9, hes an athlete, and even though he had shaved the night before, he was already rocking stubble by concert time. His grey Affliction t-shirt was tight, and his skinny jeans were to, and I guess you add a good looking young man to a crowd of hormonally challenged and in some cases drunk, women, you are going to get some out of hand behavior. There was a drunk woman in the crowd, she was obnoxiously drunk and she was behind my son. Her bellows can be heard at the beginnings of the recording he did when they opened with,"Sleeping Giants".

She started off with bumping into him several times, that is why many of the pictures he took ended up blurry, then she graduated to playing with the back of his neck and making comments about,"How Hot" he was. She finished up with a full on grope of him and tried to pull his pants down. I wish she knew that the guy who she tried to molest and who ended up elbowing her in the solar plexus to get away was the 15 year old son of an ex-cop that would dearly love to find her today? He didn't tell me about all what had gone on until we had left and were in the cab on the way home because he knows me well.

All in all though, it was a wonderful day. We met some new friends, and though we missed our old ones, we knew they were there with us in spirit. Seeing the power of my little girl and realizing that the wings she has to fly have just gotten stronger.