Stubby is struggling at times to deal with all of it. I know he misses his father in spite of how they were living, but I also have sensed he is somewhat relieved. Trying to get him to understand that we dont hit or yell or call names is a work in progress. He occasionally gets over whelmed and goes on a rant, saying repeatedly,'Im Sorry" as if he is chanting. He throws temper tantrums and gets over-emotional over the smallest things, and I recognize all the symptoms of a child that has endured too much. I just wrap him up in a hug and tell him over and over that I love him and that I will fix things. As soon as the medical coverage starts, I am getting him and his brother in for a physical and I am going to get a referral to counseling for him. I think it would do him well to have someone to talk to. My eldest son has been working on teaching him guitar and I intend to find a 1/2 size of his own as soon as possible, because focusing on the music and the lessons are the things that seem to bring him peace and a smile to his face.
Sticky is doing good, but his personal grooming habits have regressed to the point that I am having to supervise him to make sure he is cleaning himself. That makes me soo angry, because before they stayed with their father, both of my boys were very adept at personal care and they actually cared how they looked and dressed. Not having any pants that fit probably made things difficult, but having to supervise my 11 y/o in the shower is not something I anticipated. My eldest son helps some, but he is over-whelmed as well. He did help teach Stubby to tie his shoes, and we are working on re-teaching Sticky to button his pants and brush his own teeth, but its going to be slow going. I keep an almost military style of order in the house, with a predictable, sane schedule and I make sure the kids have chores and places for their things so that we all don't go crazy tripping over each others stuff. Giving them some responsibility for their towels and toothbrushes as well as a place for their few toys that I was able to bring with them, helps to keep the arguing down.
Sticky is clinging to his sister like she is the guide to everything, and bless her, she has been with him. She mother-hens him more than I do, but she also involves him in her games and her reading. She tries to put a positive spin on everything and she is determined to help the boys get back in shape and Sticky back to being the happy go lucky boy we knew before he lived like a savage for a year.
I remind my eldest that he needs to be kind and patient, as well as to not raise his voice, because when anyone raises their voices, the boys flinch and try to disappear. He has been working hard to keep calm and deal with all the changes, but its not easy because he has temporarily lost his room as well as all of his privacy. He surrendered his bedroom so that two beds could be placed in there and the boys could have a place to get out of the commotion. I am looking for a loft bed, so he will not only have his own private space, but so that he will not have to sleep on the couch. There is soo much to be done, and they need soo many things, that it seems over-whelming at times. I went school supplies shopping yesterday and even though I spent over $40, I still came home without supplies for the oldest,(who also finally had to admit his old backpack was dead), but I also didn't get 1/3 of the supplies they needed because they were either sold out or I couldn't afford them.
Calling the ex does no good. He laughed and said, 'Well, you know Ill help out when I get ahead." which means NEVER, so I know I am truly on my own with everything. I have done this before though. I know I can do it and I know I will get the things they need like jeans and hoodies and a spare pair of shoes for when their others are wet, but I feel bad that it will take things away from daughter. She wants dance and music lessons so badly, she watches any show with dancing on it, imitating the moves and dragging her brothers into tangos and waltzes, as well as forcing them to do things like bow and thank the invisible crowd she is always performing for. I dont count on the schools to offer much, the budget cuts have brutalized the music and arts programs, so I am going to have to try and figure out how to make things happen on my own for her, but I think its important. It has to be easier here than it was in Flagstaff. I got all my kids through almost a decade of deprivation and poverty, and that was in a town where it was twice the cost of living of where we are now. Yes, its going to be harder because I dont have a car and Yes, its going to be more expensive because they are older, but I KNOW we are safe and that no one is spending the money I make on drugs or tools or whatever. I tell the kids that its all hands on deck and we all work together to make it happen, to make our family strong and happy again, and I know we can do it. My kids are resilient and considering what they came out of, they have to be happier with predictable meal times, a clean house and attention from not only me, but their big brother and sister, who though she is the youngest is acting in more the big sister role.
Getting the boys off soda was a bit rocky. They started caffeine withdrawal and Stickys complaints about headaches and upset stomach made me upset. I weaned them off gradually and now they dont even ask for it because they know its not happening. Healthy meals and not being able to snack on demand and not being offered food as a distraction so they leave someone alone, has already worked to help start them losing weight so they get back down to their normal sizes. Stubby has done the best with that, and at the park he was eagerly running all over behind his sister who acts like a drill sergeant running a PT program.
Sticky is perched on the end of my bed right now, he is the early bird out of all of my kids and he seems to have already decided that hes happy here. He comes in every morning, carrying the monkey that his sister gave him, and he then crawls onto the foot of my bed to perch like a demented gargoyle. He likes to watch PBS and that actually is a good thing because the shows are reinforcing his learning. He loves to listen to music so his sister and him often turn on the Ipod really early and spend a good part of the morning dancing to the 100 Monkeys and singing along. He has reclaimed his favorite song,"Reaper" and we are all respecting his demand that only he sings it. I hope next year to be able to take him to a concert and let him see them live. I know he would be amazed.
Im constantly tired, but its a good and happy tired. I have my children home and I intend to keep it that way. He fucked up. He kept them out of a petty desire to hurt me to the maximum amount, but he also ended up hurting my kids. I wish that damn judge that looked past the convictions he had for what he did to me and my oldest boy, the judge who ignored the fact that he had been in prison for two years for what he did, they judge who gave him the right to say I couldn't take all the children out of state without his permission, had to live like my children lived for the past year in a dark and disgustingly dirty house with a man who wouldn't or couldn't provide even their basic needs because he has no,"Try hard". i have enough,"Try hard" for all of us and I hope to instill some of that in my kids because God forbid they follow after the other example.
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