Dear Roger: Closer

It has been frustrating trying to get it all sorted out for how to go and get the boys. My ex vacillates between grim acceptance, and anger that I wont just fix things for him again and leave them there in the mess he has created. I have felt like beating my head against the wall when trying to find resources to help me get down there to get them. This is one of those times when not having a car and when living soo damn close to the vest financially, really hurts. I dont have an extra thousand dollars or so laying around to drop on plane tickets or train tickets or things like that. I squeak out the rent and the basic necessities each month with little to none for extras left over. I had to save up and buy the tickets for the concert we are attending this weekend, several months ago, and those tickets are under $20.00 each. We dont have a car because I crunched the numbers for all the expenses and we just dont have the money each month to pay for insurance, gas and upkeep, so we dont have a car. I dont get my hair done professionally, I dont wear make-up or smoke or drink or go out because there is just not money for it. My daughter has begged me for months for dance lessons, but I cant afford it, so I find her videos to watch of dancers. We dont have cable, or any damn extras and I dont often ask anyone for a damned thing. I know there are people who live in my apartment complex who are on housing, they are on food stamps and all kinds of assistance. They also have not one, but two damn cars! They also smoke like chimneys, have 4 kids that have bicycles and at least 2 long board skateboards, they wear nice clothes that are never clean, and I have to wonder,What.The. HELL? Those people are disgusting sweathogs who drop trash everyplace they happen to be, they create problems and hopefully will soon be leaving due to all the problems they have created, but they seem to have lots of time, money and things for doing all the wrong things.

I pay all my own damn rent, buy all my own stuff and I keep my place immaculate and my kids out of trouble. I just want to scream in frustration when I see that they get handed more and more and when I go ask if there are any resources to help me get my sons here, and I am told,"Sorry, no. The donations people make to our organization for D/V aren't used for things like that."

None, not one of the so-called "Womens Groups" or organizations that are supposed to help Survivors of Domestic Violence, were willing or able to help me. These are groups that rake in millions of dollars annually . If my kids were dogs, I would have had people falling all over themselves to fly them up here, but because they are just an 11 year old with Downs and a 9 year old little boy, facing homelessness, they are screwed. I have proof I have custody, he is also drafting a letter that he is getting notarized that gives me the right to take them out of state without getting and trouble, so none of that is a problem, but no one wants to get involved. My D/V case manager was less than useless. He just referred me to the Catholics, as did several other organizations. What the hell do the Catholics have to do with anything? Im not Catholic, I lost my faith a long time ago, and I am not their problem. Is it because I have a lot of kids? It got frustrating and made me a little angry.

The one really bright spot in the day was one of my cousins came through and helped some. They are not wealthy folks by any means, but their contribution meant more to me than they know because none of my family has offered to help other than my parents wanting to get my stuff for themselves. My cousin reminded me that I do have some family left that cares and that understands that kids are what matters. Im still working on things and hoping to raise enough money to get them soon. School started down there today and he isn't sending them because they dont have clothes or shoes or anything they need for school and with me coming to get them soon, he just didn't see the point. His license is suspended, so every time he drives anywhere, he takes the chance of getting arrested and my kids ending up in foster care until I can get there, and that horrifies the hell out of me. I have got to get there soon. My sons are excited about being here, Conner and I talk every day and he is back to telling me knock knock jokes. He wants to ride on the Amtrak because that is how he remembers me and his siblings leaving. I looked it up again last night and I found that 3 one way tickets out of Flagstaff are a total of $542, so I am shooting for that. even if I have to pay rent late this month, that is what I am going to do. It will be a long, stressful trip with two little boys, but once I get there, we will sort it out and I think once we are together again, it will all work out.