I tried hard to be a good mom. I talked, listened, stayed involved, gave lots of hugs, supported, and made sure he had the things he needed to fit in or to be himself, whichever he was wanting to do at the moment. I always made sure than when he went to school, no one knew he was a poor kid. I indulged his weird haircuts, his odd tastes in music and when I could I took him to see his black cloud of a psuedo girlfriend. I cleaned up after him and over-indulged him as any Texas mother is prone to do her first born son. He has constantly been told how,"Smart, talented, handsome" and what not he is, and hes got a bit of an ego. Ive heard from his best buddy he can be a bit of an ass at times to be around, and honestly, ive seen it. Hes got a snarky, sarcastic temper and hes a perfectionist who expects everyone around him to be up to his standards.
I love my son with all my heart. For his whole life hes done without the key thing that helps a boy turn into a civilized male, a civilized male role model. He has no father. His biological is a sociopathic bastard who offered to kill us both many times over if we ever bothered him, convincingly enough that the state investigators determined that he was a credible threat and that we should probably stay far away from him.( I really know how to pick men)But now that my son is of age and wanting to go into acting and such, he wants to meet his father and ask him,"Why?" partly to find that out, and partly because his father was a small time actor amongst other things who still has family out in Santa Monica and I guess he thinks he might get in their good graces.
When my ex showed up out here, he greeted him with open arms and they have developed a camaraderie. I dont really know what to think about that. I know that they have talked, in depth, several times about what happened, and I know that my ex has apologized to him but I dont know, I guess I just cant forgive as easy and my ex knows that. We actually talked about that last night when my son left for a little while. It cleared the air about a lot of things. My ex said that boys reach a point where they just become creatures that are really unpleasant to be around,(like werewolves)and that without focus or direction and strict regimentation like a military school, they often get into trouble. He told me that the next two years are going to be the toughest. I remember my 16-17 year old years and I still don't really know how I survived them and I wasn't in a big city filled with all kinds of trouble to get into. My son has been pushing me away lately, not wanting to talk to me, looking at me scornfully and accusing me of favoritism towards my daughter. Thats not true. I love all my kids equally, but differently and i tried to explain that to him. With him, for years it was just me and him, struggling with only each other for company, he was my peanut and my world. I gave up everything for him and I stopped being selfish. I stopped living just for me. With Sticky, my protective love emerged. I watched him struggle to live and then struggle to achieve and I helped him every step of the way and I live for his smiles and his hugs. Stubby is my middle child, the one who thinks he is the extra, but he is the child who is most like me and that is both something I love about him and fear for him. I see every personality trait I have ever worried about in me, living in my son and I hug him daily in the hopes that he will realize that he is loved well beyond what he imagines. Stevie, my daughter? The one son accused me of favoring...we nearly died together. She was born sick, she struggled to live and nearly didn't. Her father never came to the hospital to see us in those entire 10 days she struggled to live. When I brought her home, I was told that she was my problem. I spent months sleeping with her in my arms. She is my smiley child. Even though all the horrors, she would try to make me smile. When I was soo sick with H1n1, she would bring me drinks and sit and sing to me and keep me company. She always greets me with a smile and a hug, and no matter how crappy my day has been, she knows how to make it better and she will harass me until she makes me laugh or smile. How can you not love that?
I'm not really explaining very well that I love all my kids equally, but I do. When Chance is late getting home I am uneasy and worried, not because I want to control his life , but because I want to know hes safe. he thinks its because im a control freak at this point. The ex tells me that I wont win. He said I could present the boy with a brand new truck for his birthday,(wouldn't do that even if I could because that's just ridiculous over indulgence), and he would still find a reason to be pissed at me. I was going to give him the electric guitar, but I don't think I will now. I'm going to wait for Christmas, maybe by then he will be talking to me? I don't know. Everyone says boys are supposed to be easier, but I don't believe it. They are like having a werewolf with rabies and and an eating disorder living in your house. The do dangerous and ridiculous things and wonder why they have road rash on their skull and ass, and scorch marks on their jeans. I've spent some time looking at military academies and wondering if i dart him like a rogue grizzly, would they accept him for shipping if he were duct taped to the seat?
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