Dear Roger: Arrogant Much?

Okay...I have a bit of an ego.I try not to let things get to me because I have kids to support and responsibilities, but I have worked hard to achieve the things I have achieved in my life, and in spite of a fuckton of hassles and adversity, I have achieved quite a bit. I have a college education. Roughly half a Masters degree. I could go back and finish it if I wanted to throw good money after bad, but I really dont see the point.I have been an EMT, a Firefighter, a Cop, a Forensic Investigator, and I have all kinds of certifications and awards for shit that does me absolutely no good at this point in my life, but you know what? I earned them. I have survived a nutball ex putting a gun to my head and a straight razor to my throat. Ive rolled a truck down the side of the I-40 in a blizzard 4 times and lived to walk away...sort of unscathed. I have not turned into a ravening, drug addicted, alcoholic loser like I have seen others do. I am (relatively), sane. I volunteer with several charitable organizations, I send my kids to church. I dont drink more than maybe one or two beers every few months, I dont smoke and I never do drugs. Im in good shape and I have managed to keep my children housed, clothed and provided for in a suitable manner. So, you can see why I think I have good reason to be pretty damn proud of myself at this point in my life. I choose to work a job that is significantly below my ability because it allows me to be home for my kids and it was fairly low stress. My last boss and I were friends and it was a relaxed atmosphere for me, as it should be, because this business it not rocket science.
Then things changed, as things tend to do. I hate change. I dont do change well. This new person seems to equate my choice of job with being ignorant or somehow beneath her. Ohhhhhooo.....that does not go over well with me. I dont deal well with snobby/snotty people. I find they are usually disguising some really significant defects in their person. The more rudely I am treated, the more expansive my vocabulary becomes until it reaches the point that they most likely need to break out the dictionary to understand me. I start to let my education show and it just spirals out of control. I've lost jobs over it before. I had a boss who thought I was a dumb blonde until he pissed me off. People don't like to be made to feel stupid. I made him feel extremely stupid on a daily basis for about a week until I was let go.
I knew a guy with 2 Phds who worked changing tires in Fort Worth in the 90's because the Defense industry was struggling. Mahmoud was a great guy who was super smart, but he had kids to support and when it came to them, he didnt care how much education he had or how many letters he had behind his name, he went to work and earned the money.He did well until he was disrespected.He got another job that paid better and he ended up buying the tire company he had worked at and he fired the manager who had disrespected him.
Im not that invested in this job. I wont quit. Ill still go to work every day, follow the job description to the letter and get it done and limit my conversations with my boss to what is required, but I may start to let things show after all, if get fired, I was looking for job when I got this one and maybe it would be just the nudge I needed to get into the field I want to be in.
Im arrogant. Always have been. I am a true and loyal friend of those who treat me with respect, but the minute I am condescended to or treated with disrespect? Pfft! All bets are off. Im not a ,"Kid" anymore. Im 42 freaking years old. I have delivered babies and held the hands of people as they died. Ive seen murder and mayhem and fought people for my life and the lives of others. I fought fires, lost friends and most of my loved ones. I choose to try and maintain a young at heart attitude, but my heart is not young. It battered and bruised and dark and cold and its deserves to be treated with a little God damned respect, even if it is working a menial job beneath its abilities.

Dear Roger: Equitable Distribution of Affection

Almost every parent who has more than one child has been accused of playing favorites. Some do and are very blatant about it, telling one child that they are the,'Smart one" and that the other is the,'Pretty one" or showering one child with fancy make up and clothes and indulgences. Its not easy to be a parent, in fact there are times it flat sucks. When you have a special needs child, they require a lot of time and energy and dedication to keep their needs met and to help them succeed so they will be able to survive in the world when you are gone. When you have boys, you have to worry about making sure they don't do the wrong things and end up in trouble or making mistakes that get them labeled as troublemakers or worse, and when you have girls, you have to worry about every dick in the world trying to take advantage of them.
I stress constantly because I have the perfect storm of children, basically all of the above. I have already screwed up with one daughter and I failed her. I was young and stupid and believed people who told me I was incapable of giving her any kind of life. I was made to feel like a loser and a wreck and I took the easy way out and I surrendered. I live with that crushing guilt every single day. I know she is doing great and I talk to her often, but I have to wonder, what if I had said,"Back the fuck off and let me breathe! I will figure this shit out. People do it every damn day!" Maybe I wouldn't have spent the next 20 years filled with self-loathing and guilt as well as a hefty dose of death wish and resentment? Its too late to think about it now, but I have 4 other kids that I have managed to do all right by so far, mostly on my own.
My eldest son is designing his own websites and writing music to go on them. Hes not on drugs or a criminal and hes never been in any kind of trouble. Hes a good looking, popular, friendly, church-going, well-adjusted, young man who has developed goals and objectives and who has people who look to him for leadership.
My special needs son is healthy, happy and functioning well above what he is supposed to be doing with his disability. Hes got friends and hes popular. Hes friendly, affectionate and a good kid that people enjoy having around.
My next son is above grade level in all subjects and though hes a short man, hes got a giant personality and sense of humor. He struggles because for his father playing him like a violin when he wants something from me, but hes doing well up here and hes healthy and for the most part happy.
My baby girl...off the charts gifted in multiple areas. She writes songs and plays and short stories on the fly and she can tell you more about monkeys and music than you want to know. She dances and sings and has been devoted to the same odd lil fella since she was barely older than 4 years old. Shes kind and compassionate, praying for everyone but herself and she worries about things beyond her ability handle. She has seen things that no child her age should have ever experienced, yet she doesn't ever let it get her down. I thought maybe she didn't remember it, but she does. She told me one day out of the blue,"I don't trust him. He hurt you with at razor in my room and I think he will do it again. I love him because I have to, but he scares me." That she said of her own father. She thinks she has to love him.
We talked about that quite a bit. I told her that love was not an obligation born of blood and familial bonds. You don't have to love someone because you are related to them. You only love those who deserve it, and someone who scares you shouldn't be someone you love.
Her father never wanted her and he treats her different that he does the boys and its really pissing me off more and more. Hes not around as much since I ran him off, but when he is around, he hardly talks to her. He gives all his attention to the boys and she is left standing there feeling like he doesn't care if she is there or not, so often she just walks away. He shushes her or tells her to be quiet and when he leaves to go get something, he rarely takes her. The boys tell her that she cant call herself by the same last name as them because she is more my kid than anything so she should have my last name. Shes okay with that. Shes actually been using my last name off and on for awhile now. I treat all the kids the same and when she gets in trouble, she goes into timeout just as fast as the boys do.
Its hard to keep a balance sometimes because she and I have things we enjoy doing together and things in common we love, so we spend time watching videos together and listening to music or whatever. She tried to get her father to watch the "Live and Kicking Too" video with her and he made it about 20 minutes before he was being an ass, yet he will sit and watch cartoons with the boys for hours. He just doesn't care to even try to have anything to share with her and she senses that and shes ready to quit trying because she knows hes not someone she could ever count on anyway.
I dont play favorites with her, I just try to make up for all the ways shes been failed by somebody else.

Dear Roger: A Swift Kick In The Ass Is A Good Kick Start, For Most

Dealing with my ex often is frustrating and infuriating.I have to try and keep my temper and my mouth shut because if I piss him off, that ends badly for me, but there are times I just really want to vent and try and figure out what the hell is wrong with him?
I managed to finally get his ass out of here a few days ago and it was like a load was lifted off of us. Our food will last longer as will all out household supplies. He didn't see himself as that big of an expense. He was told that he had to lay low when he was around here because he wasn't supposed to be here and he could get me in trouble with the new landlord. He would wait until just before the office was due to open and then he would leave or go out to smoke or do something outside, as if he was deliberately trying to be seen. Very passive/aggressive with no thought to the fact that if he got me evicted, his kids would be out of a place to live as well.
He wont work an on the books, regular job. He claims no one will hire him because hes an excon convicted of a violent crime,(agg. assault with a deadly weapon and kidnapping) against me. But he wont even try. This city caters to the lowest common denominator and they have all kinds of programs for felons and dopers and what not, but he prefers to troll craigslist for whatever.
He seems to have no shame about his choices either. He took the remainder of his silver the other day and he sold it. He bought a little bit of gas and some weed. His reasoning? He needs to the gas to get around,(that is fine, I agree with that), but the weed? He said it helps him relax and not care hes living in his van down by the river.
Never mind the fact his son turns ten in 2 days and he could have bought him some presents. Nope, hes counting on me to handle all that. Just like he had no problem telling me when I offered to buy him an Amtrack ticket to Ventura that if I gave him $200 he could just drive there. Uh...NO! Im not giving him any damn cash.
Here I am supporting all the kids on my own, providing for all their needs and he tells me I could give him $200 to essentially get rid of him.
Im working on filing for full custody. Its just ridiculous that he can show up at my door and say he wants to see the kids, walk into my house and then hang out for 4 hours doing nothing but annoying the hell out of me. Ive been getting all his crap sorted out and stashed outside, hoping he will just show up, pack it up and vanish.
Moving is on hold and while Stevie is disappointed, she realized when he showed up that life was going to be difficult again. She knows he never brings good things. She wants to love him because he is her father, but she sees him for what he is, and that is sad. Stubby is starting to see it and I think that has a lot to do with his issues.
He has such as skewed view of how the world works. He thinks its the woman's job to support the man and take care of everyone and everything because that is all that he has seen and when he is around people who handle it the traditional or balanced way, it upsets him because he realizes his father is not doing his part.
Ive given up trying to change my ex. He never will be changed or fixed. My son and I watch the show "Shameless" and laugh at how much its like out lives and the father is like my ex. He is a good reason to stay single and when people ask me if I feel bad for him living in his van I tell them I don't. I don't get child support. I don't even bother asking for it. He has actually been the one supported. He gets money and he smokes it. He has made poor decisions and he has to live with them. At 54 years old he should be able to handle life better than that. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. I will raise my kids and try to find better examples of how to live and function in life. His own family has refused to help him other than with,"Prayers", and to me, that speaks volumes. I offered to buy him a ticket to Newport News to he could go live with his mom or sister, but he didn't want to go live back there like his brother did,I would rather they see him being a transient than his own kids. Maybe if it gets colder here in many ways, he will finally leave, if not, we may have to find a way to leave ourselves and once again uproot and try to get away from the dead weight of an albatross.

Dear Roger: "Zombified"?

Yesterday was a hell of a day. First I find out that my hours at work have basically been cut in half and that the new manager prefers to do it all herself rather than have an assistant, so I am down to 2 hours a week. I think its their way of trying to get me to quit so they don't have to pay me unemployment, but I will work those two hours until they get tired of the paperwork and terminate me because the hassle is too much. I figured that was coming when I sent an email detailing all the complaints I had about the weird electrical glitches in my apartment and asking if I was going to be compensated for the electrical bill I had been paying for the office for the last 6 months. Its not a deal for me.
I spent my free time yesterday taking Stubby to the doctor for a thorough physical and consultation over some of his issues. Poor guy...hes destined to be a short man his whole life. The doc looked at his growth patterns, my growth history, his fathers height as well as other family history did some computations and measurements and then told poor Stub that it looks like he is going to be between 5'5-5'7 when he is grown. Stub looked at me and he said,"You know I blame you for this, don't you? My dad is tall!" Well...I guess its only fair. Hes actually going to be a little taller than I had expected, so I don't know what hes so upset about . He has really good charisma and a great sense of humor,(most of the time), so hopefully that will serve him well.
I ended up at the doctor yesterday as well. Ive had a headache for a couple of days because of all the stress and b/s that's been going on and then not sleeping well adding to it left me feeling ragged and weary. I was sitting at the dinner table yesterday morning when my eldest son looked at me and said,"What the hell, mom?!Your eye is sick looking!" I looked in the mirror and it turns out that half of my right eye was blood red for some reason.I have no idea what happened to it. I haven't been coughing I didn't scratch it. I just woke up with it like that. Coupled with the headache it was enough to make me decide it was time to get things checked out.
I went and at least got my blood pressure checked, (not too bad), and got offered a shot to break the headache(I declined), but other than that the doc who was filling in for my regular doc was just pretty damn useless. I get to go back in two weeks to see my regular doc that I really don't like that much to see if she has any ideas of why I am suddenly busting blood vessels in my eye.
The effect was pretty cool on my younger kids when they saw it. Stevie was worried I was becoming a zombie and as a way to pay her back for messing with my coffee the other day, I sat in my chair and muttered,"Braaaaaaiiiiinnnsss" at her every time she walked by. Later I pretended to gnaw on the head of her gnarly stuffed monkey,'Jackson" but she found that funny and she laughed and tried to actually shove that nasty thing in my mouth. She chased me through the house with it for a while, giggling and telling me it was now a zombie too. The humor is slowly coming back into the house, though my eldest son tells me that the ex came by yesterday looking for something he left here,(knew that was going to happen), and that he was crying about sleeping in the Walmart parking lot. I have a hard time feeling bad for him, but if hes still in pitiful shape at the first of the month Im going to offer him an Am track ticket to Ventura. I doubt he will take it. He wants to take the van and all his junk as well, but I will at least put it out there and then its on him.

Dear Roger: Pirate Monkeys

Its been yet another stressful week. I woke up at 3 am today, sick to my stomach and stressed out of my mind, so damn angry and upset I was making myself actually sick to death. Seriously, I had chest pains and I puked my guts up. Rog, you and I both know what an ominous fucking sign that is for someone like us. Those who tend to have hearts that explode from stress in their mid-40's? yeah...Well, the cause of it was resting peacefully in my sons bed after making my baby girl miserable. He had called her a brat (amongst other things),told me she was a problem child and mean to her siblings. Really? And what had they done to her to piss her off? I had come in from work and found her subdued and sitting on her bed, mopey and not herself at all. He had threatened her Jackson again after making fun of the boy himself earlier in the day in front of her, and it was just more of him being him.He was showing no signs of budging and it was going to cost us our home, my job and if things kept on, things were going to spiral to where they were before, it was already getting that stressful.So, this morning, I got on my best crazy eye glare and I went in and I utilized every little bit of,"Unless you want me to kill you in your sleep" craziness I could muster, I told him,"You need to go. You need to go NOW."
There was little more than that to it. I guess he finally realized I had reached my point and he packed his crap, and doing is level best to make everyone feel sorry for him, he left. Hes living in his van as far as I know, telling everyone how evil I am for only allowing his woman and child abusing ass to stay for free for over 2 months. I really don't care. I've been called worse by better.
Speaking of killing you in your sleep and things of that nature...
The whole SOPA thing really blew up this last week and we managed to get enough of a word out about it that the smart politicians,(is there such a beast?) was really putting their careers at risk trying to take down something so valuable to soo many. But what is odd to me, while I get the supposed intent,"Protecting the poor starving artists from pirates and down loaders" the subterfuge that was written into that bill was chilling. I agree that those who copy movies and music and deprive the artists of financial gain are a problem and should be dealt with, but that bill was like, as one person put it, trying to deal with cat who peed on the bed by blasting a box of kittens with a flamethrower."
Much of the music I listen to and BUY today, I would have never heard of or given the time of day if some pirater hadn't recorded them, uploaded it to youtube before it went neutered, and then sent me that link to that weird little song that makes homicide sound so damn cute and catchy. Seriously, I wouldn't have given them a shot mainly because I was of the opinion that all bands that had actors in them sucked by default and were lame and uncool and couldn't possibly be talented.I would have patted Stevie on the head and considered her just another Beiberite wannabe, and that would have been that, but nope...I clicked on that link and I thought, WHAT THE HELL?
Then later I heard more uploaded songs that left me thinking the same thing about the same time I realized that them boys were kinda purty and that maybe my daughter had the right idea. Soo, I ordered a couple of cd's from them,(and maybe bought a few of the lil dudes movies), and I started paying attention. Then, even well, of course there were t-shirts, and more movies we stumbled across and that concert. We didnt have two dimes to rub together, but we BOUGHT tickets to a concert to see a band that I would have blown off as a bunch of douchey kids once upon a time. We had been telling people about them which led to buying their stuff as Christmas presents for friends, supporting their side projects, including helping fund the release of a movie they made, then more music was bought, then a side band was born and needed love and with that came HATS!their causes were supported and that involved much more music and money. It would be cheaper to have just adopted 5 extra men.
When I borrow a book I love, I often go out and buy it for my library.When I see a movie I like? I buy the dvd so I can watch it anytime, and when I get out of the stone age, I will buy the digital downloads. Most of what I have spent money on in the last few years, I would have never heard of if not for the internet because I dont have cable tv. I dont go out to the theaters often, and when I do, its often because Stevie has dragged me to see something Jackson is in or its a Harry Potter thing, so I dont see very many trailers. I dont get the paper at home and I dont socialize because I am a "misanthropic asshole" to quote my ex. I work hard for the money I have and as I writer I know it sucks to get your ideas ripped off, but you dont call in a carpet bombing on your position to eliminate a problem, especially when there is so much friendly fire potential. Maybe I am over-simplifying the issue, but I know this is how myself and many others out here in the big ole net saw it, and I am glad I have those cute little weird guys in my life along with all the others that the ripple effect they created has helped to support.

Dear Roger:Well Isnt That Special?

It has been a busy week around here. I spent most of Friday at Doernbecher Downs Syndrome clinic with Sticky as they gave him a good going over and evaluation. I was pleased to discover he is at perfect weight and is considered above average intelligence for a child with Downs, so I was very proud of him. He was a bit of a handful though be cause there were scads of pretty young ladies wandering around and since he entered puberty, he is all about the ladies.
Its a bit disconcerting having an almost 12 year old with Downs.He still requires supervision in some places such as the shower because he finds it highly amusing to coat the bottom of the shower with his brothers fancy body wash and then go sliding around, or he will shower with the curtain open. He also likes to experiment with flushing different objects or peeing in unique places, so yeah...supervision is still a must. I try to get his big brother to handle it, but hes not around very much so it falls to me. He finds it amusing to moon me or to show me his latest hairs. Hes growing a mustache to go with his armpit hair and he is very proud of all of it. Who knew boys found such things to be so important? He wants to show it to everyone and its lucky I have very fast reflexes because I barely prevented multiple flashing's.
Teaching him to keep his privates, private is an ongoing task, but he is a quick learner and with the resources that we have found behind him, he will soon be achieving even more.
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to the albatross,it looks like he is finally going back to Ventura! His uncle had a heart attack or something and needs him to come back and take over his drywall business because they just got a huge job in Malibu and another one in Ventura as well as several others in and around the Hollyweird area. While I envy him getting to move to the sun and vibrance of Cali, I am glad he is soon to be gone. I have found another possibility for an apartment down in the area I want to move to and I am going to go look at it on Monday.
I am hoping the apartment will be a better fit because it actually has wood flooring and wood flooring would be a better option for Spencer,(my dog) because apparently he has allergies. Its not enough I have a special needs kid, oh no...I have a special needs dog as well. I have had him to the vet several times over the past few weeks for constant scratching and breaking out in a rash. We had him tested for mange, treated for a skin infection and various other issues, put him on a special diet that makes him smell like fish,(gag), and I have washed his bedding several times over as well as vacuumed a couple times a day to keep any dust mites down.I took him back to the vet today and found that he now weighs a little more than my daughter and he is otherwise healthy except for the fact he is now on Prednisone for his itching. If that doenst stop the rash, we will be trying another treatmetn for a skin disorder that is expensive. If its not one thing, its another.
Im still employed, so far. There has been a lot of upheaval there and im not really happy lately. The new boss arrived late this last week just as I found that the company I work for is trying to charge me a $75.00 late fee for $5.00 discrepency in my rent. I underpaid one month by 25.00, realized my mistake and brought in the other money, paid $20. and then $5.00. The 5 didnt get recorded by them in their records for some reson so I had to track down the reciept and prove I paid it. I did that and then they sent me notice that I owed them $75.00 because the $5.00 was late. I dont know, to me that seems a bit excessive considering I pay the office electric bill without compensation and I have handled lockouts after hours without charging them for it. This may be a deal killer for me if they force the issue. To me that seems to be a bit of an excessive interest rate, $75.00 for $5.00? Its really made me less willing to put forth any extra effort or to really be enthusiastic about my job or even living here, of course I have been wanting to move for months and this has just really lit a fire under me. Its just not the same around here. I never have been a suburban person and getting moved will be good for me, I am looking forward to being in a new place with new faces and not knowing all the stupidity that goes on around me.

Dear Roger:Monkey Mission...Possible? At Least In Her Eyes It is

"Mom! Mom! Get up!You have to get me some glitter!You promised me you would help me make Jackson his Valentine and I really need to get to work on it or it will be rushed and messy, and I really dont like it when I have to rush!" All this was directed at me Saturday morning,(the one day of the week when I normally get to sleep in and be a lazy slug a bed, but nooo! Not this Saturday. I had her sitting on me, holding on to my chin so she could stare right into my eyes, to let me know the intensity of the issue.
"Mom? Are you listening? Hes been really quiet lately, maybe hes sad? I dont want him to be sad!Come on mom! We have to get the glitter so I can get this done."
The child knows its a month before Valentines day. She also knows I am glitter phobic, as in I really hate the stuff and wont allow it in the house normally because it gets on every damn surface and sticks forever, rendering it sparkly. But, then again, I promised her and she knows, I keep my promised to her and my kids and I will move heaven and earth to see them through. So while I managed to stall her long enough to allow me to get a cup of coffee, I had to help her find where she had put her sketch pads and then I had to listen to her pitch ideas for her grand card until she got distracted by her brother Sticky who wanted his fingernails painted,(dont ask), so she went off to give him a mani/pedi and I was left in peace and glitter free for a few more hours.
She believes I can do anything, and because of her I do try harder. The albatross finally has realized this,"Job" he has been going to is nothing but a scam and he has admitted its a wasted of time.So this leaves me dealing with someone who has no means of support, no resources and nothing to lose. Ugh. Im still proceeding along trying to get moved to the school district that is best for my little girl because I promised her and she reminds me of that. Her brothers want to go with us now so I have had to look for a bigger apartment which means a lot more money, but I have found one and applied for it. If all goes well, I should know in a few days if I got it and if Im going to be able to swing it financially. I know I want out of where I am at.Living where you work is just not any good, and knowing some of the things I know has just made it even more obvious that I need to move my kids out of here.
She believes I can do it and I cant let her down. She has been let down a lot by her father, in fact she doesn't expect anything from men at all, but she damn sure expects me to follow through and that's a lot of pressure at times.
I dont know when the world changed so much that it became okay for men to be seen as weak, losers, and not expected to contribute very much, but that is my daughters perception of things. She sees me as the one who takes care of business and who makes things happen. I am the one who fights the battles and fixes things.She doesn't respect her father at all and it has colored her whole attitude about men. I guess that might be a good thing in the long run, she will never sit around and wait to be rescued by a Prince Charming, hell! shes always worried about rescuing hers right now. Worried hes sad or not eating or getting hurt or whatever, but while that is okay, I am glad she is going to be a strong and tough lil chick who takes care of things, I find it sad that she doesn't believe in a knight in shining armor. I would wish that for her, and I try to point out that my sister has that, even though hes a slightly dented knight, she did eventually get found by one, but my sis still did, so maybe, just maybe, they are still out there, but I dont want her to wait for one.
Shes not going to be distracted away from the glitter for very long. I dread that. My bed was covered in art supplies the other day and she is really preparing for some grand gesture for that boy once again. Shes been wandering around song writing again as well, but I told her no videos this time, my nerves cannot handle it. The one she has out there now is over 18k hits and growing, that makes her very happy for some reason and I think I have a gray hair for each and every view, so I have told her the song will have to be in poem form and she can write it out on her card and I will mail it, but that's it for now. That got me quite a sad face, but she will deal. I have heard rumblings that maybe they will start doing shows again and if they wander up this way, we will be there, she will be front and center and all will be good.

Dear Roger: Is Somebody Trying To Tell Me Something?

I have been asked by a few folk who are not schooled in the writings of Samuel Taylor Coleridge, why I call my ex, the Albatross. If you have ever read,"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" you would get that I see him as my harbinger of bad luck, my unlucky burden that I am stuck with. The stress is getting to me at times, and yes, I am hostile, very, very, hostile. Not a good place for me to be mentally. My hair is starting to fall out, my insomnia is back with a bloody vengeance, and I have taken to taunting him. Yes, I am a bitch. Its hard to be nice to someone you hold in absolute contempt. I actually dont respect very many men, in fact, other than you and my grandpa and pawpaw, I really cant think of any man that I held in absolutely high esteem or regard. They have all let me down. They are all lacking in some way. Him in more than a few. Hes fat, lazy, a whiner, and he spends more time trying to get around being responsible than he would actually doing the right thing.
I've been an enabler, and im done with that. Hes spending most days away from the house, which is a blessing, but he comes in around supper time, eats and acts like hes in a hotel. Hes sleeping in my teen sons bed, and hes supposed to be taking over the apartment, but considering I paid all the bills this month, including buying all the household things like soap and shampoo and things like that, I dont see him stepping up. I had to spend all my moving money to support everyone and he seems to have no plan. I have a plan. I have goals. I have a job that pays a real wage. He is a burden, 280lbs of dead weight that is driving me to the brink of insanity.
I found myself standing in my kitchen the other night, late, after everyone had gone to sleep and I was ragey and annoyed that my kitchen had been left a mess with dishes stacked up on the counter. I was at the sink wishing him harm. Angry to the point of tears when I felt a very distinct strong pat on my shoulder. I froze. There was no one awake in the house. I was alone, stressing by myself. It was comforting but distressing at the same time. Am I losing my mind? I decided it was time to just go to bed and pull the covers up over my head and sleep until morning.
Later in that week, I was up late with my eldest son, we were having a very intense discussion about the situation. It was actually almost a bitter fight that is only inspired by the albatross. We were saying hurtful things and my heart was breaking as we sat there in the wee hours, each of us unrelenting in our suppositions that we were correct. All of the sudden, the speakers next to us began playing very softly the song,"Black Diamond" by the 100 Monkeys. My ipod was shut off. In fact the switch on it was set to the locked off position because the cats tend to step on it and run the battery down. The speakers had been shut off as well. My son and I both looked at each other, neither moving, both a little freaked out.
"What the hell, mom?" He was goggle eyed as he looked at the Ipod and showed me the blank screen and the locked off position, yet the music was still playing. He gingerly unplugged it, and I think both of us had decided that if the music continued to play we were leaving home and not coming back, but it stopped. The music broke the fight, and we made out peace for the night, both sleeping on what we were fighting over and deciding to start fresh the next day.
The next time was a little more attention getting and more personal. At 0230 in the morning, I was sound asleep in my bed when I was awoken by the sounds of my favorite Spencer Bell song,"The Stars Are Mighty Bright Tonight". It was loud. Loud enough it woke me up. In my groggy mental state I was prepared to go yell at my son who I thought was listening to music too loud. I had forgotten he was spending the night at a friends house. I staggered into a dark living room to find my previously disconnected Ipod, connected to the speakers, but still showing off and in the locked off position, playing the song, loudly. I gently reached down and unplugged it. The shut the speakers back off. Checking all rooms finding all family and others asleep in their beds. Soo...what the hell? Am I finally losing my mind? Im fine with that. Going completely off the rails would probably be a good thing right about now. It would be like a nice vacation from the suck.
The one really positive side effect of the whole iPod thing going on is that now my kids wont touch my iPod or the Bose for love nor money, convinced they are possessed or something. That is a win for sure.

Dear Roger:Unscrewing The Screwed(And I Dont Mean Screwed In a Fun Way)With Limited Tools

I fucked up. I think it is my martyr complex masochistic tendencies that led me to do it, but do it I did and now I am so totally fucked that I dont know what I am going to do to begin to unfuck it without resorting to some kind of destruction of the epic kind.
When my worthless, albatross, ne'er do well, couldn't hold a responsible job if his life depended on it always looking for the next get rich quick scheme, makes the step father in the movie,"This Boys Life" look like a saint, EX, lost the house in Flag and ended up homeless, I figured that it was his own damn fault, he had the cheapest house payment in Arizona and almost no bills, he could have gotten off his ass and gotten a real job but he thinks working in places like Wal Mart and whatever are beneath him, so instead he loaded up all the stuff that he thought was important and he headed my direction, getting my sons all excited because even though he is a bastard to them half the time, they don't see him as a problem, hes their father and they love him. The dont care that they hadn't had decent clothes or shoes or a Christmas of things like that when he had them, he bought them soda and ice cream and let them play video games all day, all things I cut out when they got here.
He sold everything out of the house to fund his trip here, all my appliances, my furniture, my decor and my books and things that I had collected over the years, all he put in storage was a couple of my paintings and a couple of my antiques I threatened to end him over if he sold. My things were sold, his junk that he collected and hasn't even used in 10 years, he brought with him, along with a dog and a cat that he knew we couldn't keep.
He arrived right before Thanksgiving, creating as much drama as he could, and right away I got made the bad guy because the dog had to be found a new home, which luckily it did, a great home, much better than he had ever given it. All his junk was just piled into my sons room even though he swore it was just for a week or so and then,"Things were gonna happen". Thats been then story ever since.
The things that have happened is that my stress level is through the roof. I let him in because my sons begged me to for the holidays. I felt sorry for him because he was homeless even though he had been given a home and everything. I wanted my sons to be happy, so I let in a man who I put in prison for trying to kill me just 4 short years ago. Im on edge all the damn time. Hes supposedly got a good job that is going to make him the money to allow him to take over this apartment so I can move down to a neighborhood with a better school for gifted kids, but I have seen no progress. He hasn't brought in any money.Imagine, no child support and instead supporting the 280lb food blister that makes shitty comments about you constantly.
I was sitting on the couch with my daughter the other night looking at dresses on the Betty Page website, he walks by and says, "I dont see why you are looking at those kind of dresses, you could never carry them off."
10 years of that shit. My daughter looked at him and said,"That was a mean thing to say to my mommy." He told her, "Well, its true, your mommy is not girly at all." My daughter just glared at him and hugged me. And he wonders why she looks up to other men?
He comes in from working this supposed job, eats food, leaves his plate on the counter, and then goes into my kids room and sleeps on my teen sons bed. My teen son has been relegated to the couch which means the living room is unusable once he needs to go to bed and its become tense over that. Getting him to help is getting harder and harder and last night was really bad. He had been helping with Spencer a little because he likes dogs. He was eating the last of the dinner and Spencer needed out, in fact had been bugging him pretty hard, he ignored him to mess with his iphone and Spencer wet in the floor in the dining room and he tried to yell at my son. I got in the middle of it and told him that while I had also worked all day at a job that paid actual money and contributed to the support of the family, I had then come home and cooked dinner and cleaned house, my son had watched children all day and had taken the dog out several times, while he, he had come in, sat down and eaten the last of the food and done nothing but complain. He just whined,"Well Im sorry I come in tired!" God knows driving around and sitting in a truck looking at Facebook is hard, I guess he doesn't realize we can see him?
I have to get shed of this cancer. I don't know how to do it. I moved a thousand miles away, gave him everything and didn't ask for anything except peace and quiet, and I cant even get that from him. I refuse to continue to support him. I only support the ones I love and he is not even within that galaxy. I just have to figure out how to unfuck what I have so badly fucked up, and yes, it is my fuck up. I made the classic mistake that I used to see as a cop, I allowed the bastard back in, now I have to get him out, even if I have to take my kids and move again to do it.

Dear Roger: May You Have One Just Like You

I spent the first day of the new year out wandering around with my daughter. We were both a little stir crazy from being stuck in the house with all the boys and we just needed some girl time away from them. Its been bitterly cold outside so going to the park or anything like that was out of the question, so I decided to take her shopping with me for few things I needed for the house. She was excited to get to go shopping without any boys along and I cant say I blame her. She has really been developing her own particular style and while its unique, its not exactly what I like to see my nearly 8 year old daughter aspiring to dress like.
For most of her life she has been a very girly girl, choosing very fancy dresses and carefully put together outfits that always made her look like quite the young lady. She was colorful and stylish and managed to pull of the funky cool vibe of Easter/Punk almost all year round, but now I am noticing she is leaning very much more towards the punk end of things. I was always pretty much like that so I don't have too much of a problem with it, after all, I wasn't too much older than her when I was walking around with a mohawk and skinny jeans with objectionable writing all over them, and a denim jacket with weird patches and safety pins all over it and dog chains on my boots. I made quite the impression, even compelling the more wary in my home town to pull their small children behind them and covering their eyes. I never was really into the tighter all over clothes with heels and things until I was much older, so I guess this may be why I am kinda distressed by my daughters new fashion desires.
She still wants dresses, but the one she was really wanting today was the kind of dress you might see on a 20 something, all backless and cut to show off things that an 8 year old does not have and instead of wanting a pair of boots that went well with her punk pants she wanted a pair of fancy patent leather heels.
I never really learned to walk well in heels.There was a brief period of time in Dallas when I was dating a very classy, wealthy, older man who took me nice places and those nice places required things other than cowboy boots, but I never really enjoyed walking around in those heels and I have a feeling I was more comic relief than anything else when I was wearing them. I don't want my daughter to be that kind of awkward, so I guess its inevitable that it I want her to be able to learn how to act and dress like a lady, I should let her start by learning how to walk in a basic pair of low heels. I drew a line at the dress. Shes is not going to be wearing anything backless as long as I have anything to say about it, and when she drug me down the makeup aisle and started telling me all about the stuff she thought she needed, I think she realized she had lost me.
I really dont have a clue how to wear makeup. Her older brother has worn more makeup in the last couple of years,(guyliner), than I have worn in the past two decades. He would have to be the one to teach her how to use it, and I have already said that she is not allowed to wear anything outside of lip gloss until she is old enough to have a job and earn the money to buy it herself.
She has compelled me to spend more time learning about how to take care of her hair because she insists she wants to keep it long, so I have learned to comb and condition and even a little bit about how to braid it, and for the first time in a long time, I bought hair product that wasnt the cheap kind because she has been complaining about her hair having split ends, (tell the truth, I cant tell what the hell she is talking about), but her brother says she is right. So I have buckled on a lot of things, and I am trying to get more with it about what is girly friendly and such, but I wont cave on a few things and that may annoy her, but there will be no tattoos, no make up, no slutty dresses, and I am still chief of security and retain the right to keep that nunnery in the Irish Sea as my ace in the hole if she starts looking towards California a little too often.
She did throw me a curve ball the other day I really dont know what to do with and this is one that really makes me wish my Paw paw Joe was still alive more than ever, She asked about getting Baptized. I have no idea when is the right age. I dont think shes in the right church for it, but shes been wondering about it. The only one of my kids that are Baptized is my eldest, and he just got it done last year. Im the wrong person to ask and her brother has refused to get involved in it because he thinks it will force me to get into a church, im afraid it will go the other direction that my lack of faith will pull her away from hers, even though she still says her prayers for her loved ones every night.I hope someone will steer us in the right direction or I will find out like so many other things shes trying to do, its too much, too soon and it will wait. I really dont know, but I do know I wish things would slow the hell down!