Dear Roger: Having Kids Will Make You Crazy

I think I am evidence enough of that, but last night was one of those moments when I have to wonder, are some of those,"Missing" people simply parents who had a moment where they looked at what their formerly sweet little bundle of joy had done, realized that it was just too much for their sanity to handle, walked to the door, opened it, stepped out, started walking and just kept on going?
Child rearing is not for pussies. Yes, that is crass, forgive me. I spent a great part of last night scooping shit out of a commode so it didn't spew up at me as I attempted,(in vain), to plunge it down so the ONE toilet in our apartment would resume functioning after Sticky had, once again flushed something not meant to be flushed and then Stubby had seen fit to deposit a huge poop in it right afterwards. Couldn't find the number for the after hours maintenance, and didn't want to call them anyway because, obviously it was my kids fault and I cant afford the call out fee. When the plunger broke, I may have actually invented some new curse words. I ended up calling my eldest son who was at his girlfriends birthday party, and asked him to please find a plunger to bring home with him when he returned.
He showed up about an hour later with a plunger, and though he has a vastly weaker stomach than me, he bravely went in and began trying to help. Between the two of us, we began to work on clearing it and after about a half hour we had it sort of functioning again. I am still going to have to have the maintenance guy either loan me the pipe snake or come in and snake it for us to pull out whatever was dropped down there. This wasn't the first time this has happened.Sticky is a notorious toilet killer. He used to flush things like Superballs and because they are exactly the perfect size to fit into the bed in the bowl, that was death to the entire commode and meant replacement. He also killed cell phones, flash lights, key fobs to fancy keys that cost a couple hundred bucks to replace,his fathers lighters, tobacco(both kinds), and whatever else he encountered laying around. Hes not alone in this hobby, kids seem to get off on it and I have heard other friends horror stories about things their kids have flushed, up to and including, money into the hundreds of dollars, jewelry and so on. Forget having cool stuff when you have kids. You have kids now, that's your,"Cool Stuff" I guess is what they are trying to say.
My small daughter has caused her fair share of insanity inducing moments as well. She had the nickname,"Killer" when she was a toddler. She was hell on things like electronics, breakables, and fish, especially my eldest sons pet gold fish that he had managed to grow to a freakishly huge size of over 8 inches! It was a cool fish that would come up to the front of the tank and even interact with you, until daughter dumped an entire can of fish food into his tank not once, but twice. She unplugged the heater for his lizards terrarium, and then to add to the fun, she dumped an entire glass of sweet tea on one of my laptop computers, knocked over a ceramic bowl of mine, sending it smashing to the floor into shrapnel, but the worst of all her insanity inducing behaviors was the fact that she was a flight risk. She walked away from a baby sitter that my ex had dropped her off at right before he was arrested for taking a straight razor to me. She was missing for several hours out in an area of Flagstaff that was just full of stock tanks, large dogs, horses, registered sex offenders,abandoned mines and caves. She was around 2 years old and a cute little curly blonde haired baby girl that could have easily vanished forever, but a Mexican woodcutter who had found me in the middle of the road hysterically stopping people begging for help finding her,had gone and searched with his wife until they had found her wandering along the side of the road they said looking up at nothing but talking away to someone. The Mexican man was convinced she was talking to her guardian angel. I'm not ashamed to say I gave thanks to God, that angel that Mexican family and the sheriffs deputy who stopped me from beating the hair off the baby sitter when I got back to her house and found that she had calmly gone back to dying her hair like nothing was going on. She has always been a bit of a handful. I've faced a lot of my fears for that child, I handled a heart problem and gestational diabetes,during the pregnancy as well as an emergency c-section and an infection that nearly took us both out, sickness and stress worrying if she was going to live and then coming home to a hell that had only gotten worse, but kids...what can you do? She made up for it by potty training faster than anybody else, crying less and being a sweet and fun baby for me to raise so far, though she is willful and the leader of most of the chaos that goes on in the house.
My middle son, he was my easiest pregnancy and such a sweet baby that just couldn't eat anything. We had to replace carpets, furniture, clothes, and have cars steamed cleaned repeatedly because of him. His nick name was,'Spew boy" because he could projectile vomit over 4 feet and he could scream for hours on end. I spent more time at the doctors office, hospital, and just trying to find out what was wrong with him than I did with any of my other kids, but nothing seemed to work or help and luckily, eventually, it passed and he became able to keep food down.
I laugh when I see or read articles by people who call themselves parenting experts when they have one kid who is maybe a toddler. I don't call myself an expert and I have 4 kids ranging in age from 16 to 8 and one of them has Downs Syndrome, one is a Genius and I have worked to raise them on a single moms income with no child support, an ex who tends to throw a monkey wrench into the works more than he helps and no vehicle. I might be an expert on feeding and clothing them on a shoestring budget and helping them to not get into trouble, be decent human beings and succeed in life, but I don't consider myself an expert at much else. I can tell you the best way to get poop out of a heater vent at 3 am on a Winters morning, or vomit off the wall behind the commode, or when its best to just throw the car seat in the dumpster along with the child's clothes and diaper, but that you NEVER, EVER, EVER, THROW AWAY THE STUFFIE! they remember that shit and it will haunt you I have recovered Jackson so damn often that I am forever seen as a hero in my little girls eyes for that if nothing else. I'm an expert in that I will tell you to always carry extra wipes,even when they are toddlers,and that carry a towel inn your car at all times, get that hand held sprayer for the shower because you will need it other than to make up for your lack of sex life. Ziplock baggies should be carried at all times. Anybody that smokes around a kid is a dick who deserves to be punched in the throat. Music is your friend, use it, kids love it. Learn to be silly, kids are your excuse for it, use it. Being poor is okay, but you don't have to be a poor parent, kids only care that you try hard.