Dear Roger: Adjustments and Playing,"Whats That Smell?"

What a huge change has hit us. I knew it was going to be crazy, but trying to get everyone settled in and ready for the beginning of school has been exhausting. The boys have been allowed to basically live like monkeys the past year, and retraining them to act like civilized humans is going to take work and time.

Stubby is struggling at times to deal with all of it. I know he misses his father in spite of how they were living, but I also have sensed he is somewhat relieved. Trying to get him to understand that we dont hit or yell or call names is a work in progress. He occasionally gets over whelmed and goes on a rant, saying repeatedly,'Im Sorry" as if he is chanting. He throws temper tantrums and gets over-emotional over the smallest things, and I recognize all the symptoms of a child that has endured too much. I just wrap him up in a hug and tell him over and over that I love him and that I will fix things. As soon as the medical coverage starts, I am getting him and his brother in for a physical and I am going to get a referral to counseling for him. I think it would do him well to have someone to talk to. My eldest son has been working on teaching him guitar and I intend to find a 1/2 size of his own as soon as possible, because focusing on the music and the lessons are the things that seem to bring him peace and a smile to his face.

Sticky is doing good, but his personal grooming habits have regressed to the point that I am having to supervise him to make sure he is cleaning himself. That makes me soo angry, because before they stayed with their father, both of my boys were very adept at personal care and they actually cared how they looked and dressed. Not having any pants that fit probably made things difficult, but having to supervise my 11 y/o in the shower is not something I anticipated. My eldest son helps some, but he is over-whelmed as well. He did help teach Stubby to tie his shoes, and we are working on re-teaching Sticky to button his pants and brush his own teeth, but its going to be slow going. I keep an almost military style of order in the house, with a predictable, sane schedule and I make sure the kids have chores and places for their things so that we all don't go crazy tripping over each others stuff. Giving them some responsibility for their towels and toothbrushes as well as a place for their few toys that I was able to bring with them, helps to keep the arguing down.

Sticky is clinging to his sister like she is the guide to everything, and bless her, she has been with him. She mother-hens him more than I do, but she also involves him in her games and her reading. She tries to put a positive spin on everything and she is determined to help the boys get back in shape and Sticky back to being the happy go lucky boy we knew before he lived like a savage for a year.

I remind my eldest that he needs to be kind and patient, as well as to not raise his voice, because when anyone raises their voices, the boys flinch and try to disappear. He has been working hard to keep calm and deal with all the changes, but its not easy because he has temporarily lost his room as well as all of his privacy. He surrendered his bedroom so that two beds could be placed in there and the boys could have a place to get out of the commotion. I am looking for a loft bed, so he will not only have his own private space, but so that he will not have to sleep on the couch. There is soo much to be done, and they need soo many things, that it seems over-whelming at times. I went school supplies shopping yesterday and even though I spent over $40, I still came home without supplies for the oldest,(who also finally had to admit his old backpack was dead), but I also didn't get 1/3 of the supplies they needed because they were either sold out or I couldn't afford them.

Calling the ex does no good. He laughed and said, 'Well, you know Ill help out when I get ahead." which means NEVER, so I know I am truly on my own with everything. I have done this before though. I know I can do it and I know I will get the things they need like jeans and hoodies and a spare pair of shoes for when their others are wet, but I feel bad that it will take things away from daughter. She wants dance and music lessons so badly, she watches any show with dancing on it, imitating the moves and dragging her brothers into tangos and waltzes, as well as forcing them to do things like bow and thank the invisible crowd she is always performing for. I dont count on the schools to offer much, the budget cuts have brutalized the music and arts programs, so I am going to have to try and figure out how to make things happen on my own for her, but I think its important. It has to be easier here than it was in Flagstaff. I got all my kids through almost a decade of deprivation and poverty, and that was in a town where it was twice the cost of living of where we are now. Yes, its going to be harder because I dont have a car and Yes, its going to be more expensive because they are older, but I KNOW we are safe and that no one is spending the money I make on drugs or tools or whatever. I tell the kids that its all hands on deck and we all work together to make it happen, to make our family strong and happy again, and I know we can do it. My kids are resilient and considering what they came out of, they have to be happier with predictable meal times, a clean house and attention from not only me, but their big brother and sister, who though she is the youngest is acting in more the big sister role.

Getting the boys off soda was a bit rocky. They started caffeine withdrawal and Stickys complaints about headaches and upset stomach made me upset. I weaned them off gradually and now they dont even ask for it because they know its not happening. Healthy meals and not being able to snack on demand and not being offered food as a distraction so they leave someone alone, has already worked to help start them losing weight so they get back down to their normal sizes. Stubby has done the best with that, and at the park he was eagerly running all over behind his sister who acts like a drill sergeant running a PT program.

Sticky is perched on the end of my bed right now, he is the early bird out of all of my kids and he seems to have already decided that hes happy here. He comes in every morning, carrying the monkey that his sister gave him, and he then crawls onto the foot of my bed to perch like a demented gargoyle. He likes to watch PBS and that actually is a good thing because the shows are reinforcing his learning. He loves to listen to music so his sister and him often turn on the Ipod really early and spend a good part of the morning dancing to the 100 Monkeys and singing along. He has reclaimed his favorite song,"Reaper" and we are all respecting his demand that only he sings it. I hope next year to be able to take him to a concert and let him see them live. I know he would be amazed.

Im constantly tired, but its a good and happy tired. I have my children home and I intend to keep it that way. He fucked up. He kept them out of a petty desire to hurt me to the maximum amount, but he also ended up hurting my kids. I wish that damn judge that looked past the convictions he had for what he did to me and my oldest boy, the judge who ignored the fact that he had been in prison for two years for what he did, they judge who gave him the right to say I couldn't take all the children out of state without his permission, had to live like my children lived for the past year in a dark and disgustingly dirty house with a man who wouldn't or couldn't provide even their basic needs because he has no,"Try hard". i have enough,"Try hard" for all of us and I hope to instill some of that in my kids because God forbid they follow after the other example.

Dear Roger:Home, Without Any Blood Spilled

What a week this has been! We just arrived home last night and it was a manic,"Lets see who snaps first", party from the moment we hit the door. The boys ran through the house as we tried to unpack, seemingly frenetically trying to find the point that would make me raise my voice or snap at them. I must be getting mellow in my old age or perhaps it is just the sheer joy at having my children together, that made me just watch and referee as they worked to establish who was who in the pecking order. Daughter established right off that she may be the youngest, but she is the boss. There was a a lot of hysterical hugging and then they ran into the house where she began to show them where everything was. Stubby had to test her warning about the monkeys. I knew he would, there was no way he was going to be able to resist trying to torture her by stealing her Jackson and attempting to do something crude with it. After the tackle, takedown and punch, he realized that not only had his baby sister grown to equal his height, but she had grown in her ability to take care of herself and protect the things she loves.

She helped him up afterwards, and then she looked at him in that way that told me something really blunt was fixing to be laid down. She said,"Cole, you have gotten fat and its not a good look on you! We are going to have to fix that with exercise and a good diet, so why dont you come dance with me now?"

Stubby was a bit take aback and he said,"Its rude to call someone fat." She agreed with him but then told him that he was her brother and she could tell him the truth. She drug him and his brother into the living room and she got my eldest to dig out my ipod and put on the 100 Monkeys for them to dance to. I actually videoed some of it because it was just too precious of a moment to miss. She drug her brother, Sticky, into a dance that was a mix between a waltz, a tango and some slam dancing. This went on for about an hour as she just about forced them to get up and move. I anticipate the weight loss will progress rapidly.

The weight was the least of the things I found down there in AZ that made me so angry and upset I had a hard time holding my tongue and maintaining the polite gratitude that was needed to get through it without ending up at the wrong end of one of the throwing knives he had sitting on the counter in the dining room.

The house that I had left him with new carpet, new paint and remodeled with the lowest house payment in the entire county, fully stocked with things like 6 months worth of laundry soap and food, as well as clothing that would last the boys a year, and beyond if he got them the minor things or kept them in reasonable shape.

Driving up to the house was a huge shock. The neighborhood looks like a war zone, with concrete barricades, sand bag walls, heavy machinery rumbling through constantly as the state and county try to battle back the floods. The house was barely visible through the weeds. A thick, impenetrable jungle of goat weed had taken over the yard, and it was soo tall in places I could not be seen if I walked behind it. There was no way for the boys to go out into the back or even the front yard. He had not cut the weeds in a year. The inside of the house was what hit me the hardest. All my decorating had been literally ripped down and thrown into boxes. The house smelled terrible, a mix of cigarette/weed smoke, dog and just general filth. He had ripped the living room carpet out and had thrown it out the back door where it lay, moldering in the occasional rains. There was a layer of dust and dog hair on everything, the curtains remained drawn all day long and the house was dank and depressing. The leather furniture was beyond filthy, and I didnt even want to sit down, but when he gave me a terse,'Sit down and try not to look so disgusted." I sat and realized with a shock that I was going to have to work hard to keep my true feelings hidden unless I wanted it all to go pear shaped.

He had disassembled the boys good bunk beds and stored them in what had been Stubbys room along with their tv's and many of their toys. It was his,'For sale" room. The boys were relegated to one bedroom and one twin bed to share. Sticky slept in the bed with him back in the master bedroom. The appliances I had left, including the expensive washer and dryer, were grimy and a pile of laundry lay on the floor in front of them. The dining room was what really set me off though and made it very hard to keep my peace. There was no place for them to sit and eat. He had moved his jewelry making bench, computer and stereo system out there and had just taken over. There were no more family meals. The boys told me they ate on the floor in front of the tv. What enraged me was the chemicals and equipment within easy reach of my children. The pickling bath and acid wash were right at eye level to the boys. Sharp knives, picks and machinery were right there, nothing keeping them from getting into them. The medications were right on the counter, and there was just junk piled all over the place in what looked like a tweekers nest. The fridge contained no less than 3 cases of soda and the boys gleefully told me that they had a soda everyday, and it showed. They are both easily 20lbs overweight and had no pants that fit them. They were walking around in shorts they could not button, underwear that was stained beyond recognition and shoes that were rotten and holey. Their hair had not been cut, they are pale, and they have some disturbing behaviors. Stubby says,'Im Sorry" like its a religious mantra and he tries to shrink whenever things get tense or stressful. His tension and stress are visible in the fact that hes biting his finger again. Sticky has regressed in his reading and his self care. They alternately went from joy at leaving to tears at missing their father, though the relationship was rife with dysfunction. He sat for hours on the computer. Lights off and the house dark and quiet, he just sat there reading odd stories or trolling craigslist to see if any of the things he was trying to sell, had any hits while the boys sat in the one bedroom they were allowed in and played video games for hours on end.

I went over and talked to a neighbor I had been friendly with, to find that she was leaving and moving to Tucson to escape the disaster zone. She was shocked to see me and even more shocked to find out that the boys were still in the house across the street. She had noticed that Ferg was gone, and wondered what had happened, but she said she had never seen the boys outside at all. She was shocked to find out they had been there all year long. She said she had never heard them or seen them, and she thought he was there alone. My sons had not been outside to play at all. With the weeds that had taken over the yard, it was impossible for them. I knew he had a weed cutter, he had at least chopped back a narrow path from the where the van parked to the front door with it and it was leaning against the stairs, but even though he was unemployed and sitting home most of the last 3 months, he had done nothing to clear the yard or clean.

The van was thrashed inside and out. The paint was peeling off and pieces of trim were hanging down. It was evident that he had done nothing to maintain it, including taking it in for the mandatory recalls to fix the dangerous problem with the front end. He told me he intended to drive it up to Portland and give it to me to drive the kids around in, I told him not to bother.

I managed to keep my mouth shut most of the time. I was stuck there with him for a couple of days, hashing things out and trying desperately to rescue some of the things that I cared about. He wouldst let me take some of them, telling me,"Ill bring them to Portland when I come." which means they are lost to me. I managed to stash baby books and a few precious things that he wouldn't miss when he was gone to sell the flatscreen tv I had left. He is just having an endless yard sale on Craigslist until the foreclosure is done and he is forced out. I know the house will be condemned when they get it, there is just too much damage, too much decay and there is just no value in attempting to fix it.

I noticed that he had several newer pairs of boots and things for himself, but the boys were wearing the clothes I had left for them along with clothes that the local firefighter charity had given them.

I managed to pack up 7 boxes of things for the kids as well as rescuing some of my things that had been left in storage in a spare room, but that he had started going through to look for valuables to sell. I scrounged enough money to buy the boys each a pair of shoes for the trip home as well as some underwear and I just bided my time until we left on Friday night.

It was tense and stressful and I dont think my stomach quit hurting the entire time I was there, and I hated to hear myself working to appease him when he started getting upset. It was soo easy to fall back into that role of the ,"Yes, woman" even though I have worked so hard to bury that. I had a goal in mind and that was getting my children out of there with the signed and notarized letter in hand giving me permission to leave the state with them, without involving the police or getting hurt, and I managed to do it.

When we got on the train I felt as if we had escaped from prison. The boys were anxious and gleeful at the same time. I managed to get them to settle down and sleep pretty quickly on the train, and took advantage of that and slept like the dead myself. Though the train ride was exhausting, it was not as stressful as I had anticipated. We quickly developed a team effort and though they were bored much of the time, they enjoyed the trip.

I have a lot of work to do over the next few weeks. I have to get them enrolled in school and get them to the doctor and dentist and I am going to have to find the money for clothes for them as well as supplies for school and just living. They had a few requests for me right off the bat, they want bicycles so they could learn to ride, and they want a piano so they can play and they want to be able to listen to music whenever they want. Considering they are giving up all their friends in Flagstaff, the only home they have known along with soda and video games and being allowed to just sit constantly, I dont think that is going to be something I could refuse them.

Its good to have them home. I know its going to be a long road for all of us, but I also know it can be done with determination, stubbornness and love.We have all that in spades.

Dear Roger: Im Just Part Of Her Entourage

You know,re- reading the blog from yesterday, where I was soo stressed and worried about how the concert day was going to go down, I have to laugh. How could I have been worried that anything that involved my little girl and her favorite band of monkeys was going to be anything but wondrous and amazing? I may stress things a little too much and perhaps I should take a page from her playbook and just see the joy and happiness and,"MonkeyFun" in everything. It was truly another great day.

It took forever to get her to go to bed the night before, and the picture I took of her on the train at 7:55 in the morning show a slightly grumpy looking child clutching her monkey a little too tightly, looking like she just got drug a 1/4 mile at a fast hike,(it wasn't THAT fast) but she does have short legs I guess. We were all a little giddy and punch drunk that early in the morning, and I dont do well with the unknown or things out of my control and I was damn sure dealing with a WHOLE WORLD full of that, working around my friends schedule,(WHAT A TROOPER!), the 100 Monkeys and the venues, Portland traffic, a Max that was running behind all stinking day and weather that was honestly hotter than BALLS! The fact I did not end up going rabid super ninja on someone before 12 noon speaks to how well I am doing.

Talk about putting me out of my comfort zone? How about just erasing my comfort zone all together, snuggling up against me and breathing down my neck? I let my daughter wander around with people I dont really know. I let her not only hug a young man I dont know all that well, I let him pick her up! I talked to him! I dont think I stuttered too much, though I know for a fact my damn hand shook pretty hard because my tattoo got noticed and when he asked to see it, the shake was pretty evident. I got my picture took with the band. Yup, me! Turned my back on a group of men, one of them holding my baby, and I got my picture taken with them, though if you look at me, you can tell Im a might bit twitchy by that point, the clenched fist and the hand holding onto the arm is pretty good evidence, but I did smile.

My daughter was in heaven. She got to talk to her Jackson a good long bit and they bounced together, she got him to sign her monkey. They ended up giving us,"Meet and Greet" Passes because she was just such a little charmer. I swear, I loved the Voodoo Donuts show the best, but for getting to spend a moment talking at him, yesterday was awesome for her.

They played 3 songs at BB, and it wasn't as intimate or as charming as Voodoo and truthfully the manager of the BB in Beaverton was an ass to the fans waiting for the show and lost the store more than a few sales of guitar strings and even the possible sale of a guitar in the next month, but Im not going to dwell on one guy who wasn't even affiliated with the band. We got a decent spot and when the band came in, a photographer managed to successfully totally block my daughters and my view of the band, so my son stood her on the stool she had been sitting on so she could sort of see, and I just made do. I could see my daughter swaying back and forth with the biggest grin on her face in the world when they started with,'Shy Water" and it brought home to me that its been a year of such changes and that she is such a happy child now. We were in such transition when we first heard that song live together, and its with out lives in transition we hear it live again, and so with all those people around me smiling and laughing, my goofy self had tears rolling. I fly out of Portland this Wednesday to go to Flagstaff to get the boys, thanks to not only my cousin, but 100 Monkey fans I will be bringing them home to Portland.

Once we left the store and walked back to the Max, allowing for me to have a moment of collecting myself on the sidewalk and a brief stop to get some treats for the kids, we headed directly to the venue because we were worried about getting good placement for the little kids. Stevie quickly got bored with sitting on the hot sidewalk and once the bus got parked, she wanted to be up with the girls who had all the interesting things like balloons and where the water was. Since I could see her, and they seemed like a harmless bunch that wasn't cussing a lot or acting too disreputable, I gave permission. The next thing I knew, she was singing her songs and dancing for them and clapping coupled with hysterical giggles were coming from the direction my child had taken off in. I hear her saying,"Oh thank you, thank you! you are too kind!" Followed by more of her singing, then joke telling and then a dramatic retelling and re-enactment of 'The Adventures Of Super Monkey".

My daughter made friends yesterday. She made fans yesterday. She was filmed multiple times singing her song. The crowd clapped for her enthusiastically and laughed at her antics and I stayed out of it. Like I told one young woman who asked if I was,"Stevie's Mom"? I said that I was her mom, but that I am just the person who handles the transportation,pays the bills and makes sure she goes to bed by 830 on school nights, I dont tell her to stop what she is doing and I dont try to direct or control what direction it goes as long as she is safe. Stevie is a free spirit with a high creative drive and one true abiding love that fuels her and makes her happy and that is that boy. I dont encourage or really discourage. I may groan and tease her and remind her that he is a,'Stinky, sweaty boy" but she is 7 and all she cares about right now is that he is a very kind boy who signed her monkey and talked to her and oh yeah, hung the moon.

She knows he is a sweaty boy now because after the show was almost over, and he had performed his heart out, rocking the house to her and everyone's delight, he came to the edge of the stage where she was standing and he handed her his headband, his sopping wet with sweat, red headband. All the girls around her said,'Aww How CUTE!" simultaneously while she turned to me and said,"Mom, its wet! Eww, can you take it?" I had to laugh, but I took it and wrapped it around her monkey. I am really appreciative to him for finally busting the myth that he isn't a stinky sweaty boy, she now knows different. It does not make a whit of difference to her, because after all that went on yesterday she is even MORE convinced he is the best thing ever, but at least she knows hes human and not a demigod.

It was a great night, a great show and we left out of there having seen 4 fantastic bands, 2 of which I hadn't paid attention to before, but after hearing live I will be looking to see them again as well as buying their music. I really liked "Bleeding Horse Express" and "The Angry Orts" and even my son admitted he enjoyed them quite a bit. My son was pretty taken with,"Kissing Club" and wants their CD, so once we get the boys home and things situated next month, I will have to buy some new music.

For Chances second real rock concert, it was quite an eye opener for him. He looks quite a bit older than he is, and I dont require him to stay attached at my side, in fact, since Stevie and I were dancing and doing things that would be embarrassing to a teen boy, I gave him permission to stand away from us a ways, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have done that.

My son is a good looking boy. I dont say that being egotistical, I say that being pragmatic. He is over 5'9, hes an athlete, and even though he had shaved the night before, he was already rocking stubble by concert time. His grey Affliction t-shirt was tight, and his skinny jeans were to, and I guess you add a good looking young man to a crowd of hormonally challenged and in some cases drunk, women, you are going to get some out of hand behavior. There was a drunk woman in the crowd, she was obnoxiously drunk and she was behind my son. Her bellows can be heard at the beginnings of the recording he did when they opened with,"Sleeping Giants".

She started off with bumping into him several times, that is why many of the pictures he took ended up blurry, then she graduated to playing with the back of his neck and making comments about,"How Hot" he was. She finished up with a full on grope of him and tried to pull his pants down. I wish she knew that the guy who she tried to molest and who ended up elbowing her in the solar plexus to get away was the 15 year old son of an ex-cop that would dearly love to find her today? He didn't tell me about all what had gone on until we had left and were in the cab on the way home because he knows me well.

All in all though, it was a wonderful day. We met some new friends, and though we missed our old ones, we knew they were there with us in spirit. Seeing the power of my little girl and realizing that the wings she has to fly have just gotten stronger.

Dear Roger: Preparations, Conversations

It has been pretty much the week from hell. The stress alone has had me napping in the floor more than once, so I think I am ready for it to be at an end. Between my paychecks, and my cousins help, I have gotten enough money that allowed me to book a flight to Phoenix and I will be leaving on Wednesday. I hope to Amtrak it back out of there on Saturday, which would be the cheapest departure date for the three of us, at 514, with no real issues. That would put us getting back into Portland on Monday. A looong trip, but bearable. The stress of trying to come up with the money, trying to figure out what to do, dealing with phone calls from the ex where he is telling me about the flooding that is going on due to the monsoons and fire damage as well as all the drama that is going on back there, its been enough that when son kept pushing me about playing chauffeur to him and his girlfriend on a weekend when I was already dealing with the looming 100 Monkeys concert and and hysteria from the youngest daughter, I snapped and told him off.

We dont own a car. We cant afford a car. He wanted me to borrow a car from our friend, then drive to Vancouver and pick up his girlfriend, bring her to Portland and drive them to a restaurant for dinner. He also wanted me to pay for all of this. I have to wonder what part of scraping together every single dime to get his brothers, he doesn't understand? I realize he is a teen with teen issues and teen brain capacity, but that was just ridiculous. He was nagging and being hateful and even trying to bully me about it and I just snapped and unloaded on him. I called him selfish and accused him of not wanting his brothers because they would take away from him. It was ugly. After a little bit we both just sat a opposite ends of the couch and were quiet for a while and then after my blood pressure went down, we talked.

I explained to him that he needed to realize that I do not have to explain everything I do. My motivations and decisions are not his to question and that its not my job to finance or facilitate his love life. I dont have a love life mainly because I dont have time for it and I cannot afford it. I told him that if he wants to have an easier dating life, he needs to find a girl who lives in the same zip code. Hes a good kid, but like a typical teen, he is selfish and egotistical. I try to work with that, but there are days it gets frustrating. I know I have it pretty easy though. My friends son is a defiant problem child. He is confrontational, threatening , calls his mother,"Stupid" sneaks out and runs off, openly flaunts their rules and faces no real repercussions for his behavior. They are failing that kid soo badly it breaks my heart. I see a dark road ahead for that kid, and I suspect things about him that are probably going to lead to a serious schism within that very conservative Christian family, and I only hope it doesn't lead to his self-destruction. I have tried to be a peaceful middle-ground for them, and to let him know that I will listen to his respectful comments, and I have often offered a calm, safe place to come and talk while everyone settles down, but things are getting worse and they seem to not know what to do about it. My son and him have been best friends since they were 6, and my son tells me that he is worried as well, but all he can do is tell his friend that he is there for him no matter what and that he will listen, but they are drifting apart and that is sad to see.

My son and I were talking last night and he did tell me that as crazy as our lives are, and as difficult and as strained as things can get, he knows that I love him no matter who he is and that has always been something he has been happy to know, because he knows his friend doesn't have that luxury.

Today is going to be a crazy day. Its get the kids up, get out the door by 730 and to the train, ride to Lloyd center to meet our friend at the hotel, then off to where the Pre-show is going to be. We get to hike about a mile, which is less than we had to hike last year, but still a bit of a bummer. After the pre-show is over then we head back towards downtown to wander around until the show at 7 tonight. After the show, depending on when its over, we have to figure out how to get home. If the max is still running its that, if its too late, its a cab with a amped up 7 y/o. I hope she gets another picture with young Jackson Rathbone again, she adores him soo damn much I know she will be crushed if she doesn't, but I have tried to prepare her. They are getting more popular and its probably going to be a bigger show with more chaos, so its going to have lost a lot of its intimacy and charm. The VooDoo days are long gone. Most of my friends from that concert aren't even going to make it up for the show, so nothing is going to be the same, and that's a little sad.I know things have to change, I just wish it wasn't so much so fast.

Dear Roger: Waiting, Working, Trying to Not Fall Apart

Stress is getting to me. I took another unexpected nap in the floor yesterday and I guess I needed it. I feel tired all the time right now, but I know I dont have time to sleep. I have been working on rounding up things the boys are going to need when they finally get here, still trying to scrounge the funds to get them back up here, and dreading every time the phone rings and its my ex. I am soo damn afraid he is going to call me and tell me hes been arrested for driving on a suspended license and that the boys are going into foster care. I am just floored that he has let things get to that point in his life. I mean, I knew he was not an upstanding, achiever at all, but to sink to the level that I have to worry that my children would end up at the tender mercies of the state? It boggles the mind. I have scrounged enough money and thanks to my cousin, I have enough money to get there, but I don't have enough to get back with them. I cannot end up trapped down there with him, that would not be good at all. I was hoping to just grab and go, its not like they have a lot of things to bring with them. I am going to have to buy them pretty much everything, including shoes, once they get up here. I have seen pictures of them and for the first time in their lives, they look poor. I never allowed that when they were with me. We may have not had two dimes to rub together, but my children had nice clothes and were well tended. The only thing he makes sure of is that he has his damn can of tobacco every week at 13.00 a can. I could turn that 13.oo a week into new shoes for both boys as well as jeans and shirts, but he doesn't think that way and that is where we always differed.

He says he is going to follow them to Portland. I hope the hell not. I hope that once I get them out of there, he realizes that its actually hard to get out of there and make a change and he just goes to Virginia to live with his mother like his brother did. Im angry and stressed out and worried about my sons. My daughter is worried about them but excited that they are going to be going to the same school as her. My eldest son is trying to maintain calm in the house, but we have butted heads more than once over silly things.

The concert is Sunday and we are planning on heading down to meet up with a friend on Saturday to just try and decompress and not stress over things for a little bit. I think I need to do that so I will quit taking the unexpected naps in the floor.

Dear Roger: Closer

It has been frustrating trying to get it all sorted out for how to go and get the boys. My ex vacillates between grim acceptance, and anger that I wont just fix things for him again and leave them there in the mess he has created. I have felt like beating my head against the wall when trying to find resources to help me get down there to get them. This is one of those times when not having a car and when living soo damn close to the vest financially, really hurts. I dont have an extra thousand dollars or so laying around to drop on plane tickets or train tickets or things like that. I squeak out the rent and the basic necessities each month with little to none for extras left over. I had to save up and buy the tickets for the concert we are attending this weekend, several months ago, and those tickets are under $20.00 each. We dont have a car because I crunched the numbers for all the expenses and we just dont have the money each month to pay for insurance, gas and upkeep, so we dont have a car. I dont get my hair done professionally, I dont wear make-up or smoke or drink or go out because there is just not money for it. My daughter has begged me for months for dance lessons, but I cant afford it, so I find her videos to watch of dancers. We dont have cable, or any damn extras and I dont often ask anyone for a damned thing. I know there are people who live in my apartment complex who are on housing, they are on food stamps and all kinds of assistance. They also have not one, but two damn cars! They also smoke like chimneys, have 4 kids that have bicycles and at least 2 long board skateboards, they wear nice clothes that are never clean, and I have to wonder,What.The. HELL? Those people are disgusting sweathogs who drop trash everyplace they happen to be, they create problems and hopefully will soon be leaving due to all the problems they have created, but they seem to have lots of time, money and things for doing all the wrong things.

I pay all my own damn rent, buy all my own stuff and I keep my place immaculate and my kids out of trouble. I just want to scream in frustration when I see that they get handed more and more and when I go ask if there are any resources to help me get my sons here, and I am told,"Sorry, no. The donations people make to our organization for D/V aren't used for things like that."

None, not one of the so-called "Womens Groups" or organizations that are supposed to help Survivors of Domestic Violence, were willing or able to help me. These are groups that rake in millions of dollars annually . If my kids were dogs, I would have had people falling all over themselves to fly them up here, but because they are just an 11 year old with Downs and a 9 year old little boy, facing homelessness, they are screwed. I have proof I have custody, he is also drafting a letter that he is getting notarized that gives me the right to take them out of state without getting and trouble, so none of that is a problem, but no one wants to get involved. My D/V case manager was less than useless. He just referred me to the Catholics, as did several other organizations. What the hell do the Catholics have to do with anything? Im not Catholic, I lost my faith a long time ago, and I am not their problem. Is it because I have a lot of kids? It got frustrating and made me a little angry.

The one really bright spot in the day was one of my cousins came through and helped some. They are not wealthy folks by any means, but their contribution meant more to me than they know because none of my family has offered to help other than my parents wanting to get my stuff for themselves. My cousin reminded me that I do have some family left that cares and that understands that kids are what matters. Im still working on things and hoping to raise enough money to get them soon. School started down there today and he isn't sending them because they dont have clothes or shoes or anything they need for school and with me coming to get them soon, he just didn't see the point. His license is suspended, so every time he drives anywhere, he takes the chance of getting arrested and my kids ending up in foster care until I can get there, and that horrifies the hell out of me. I have got to get there soon. My sons are excited about being here, Conner and I talk every day and he is back to telling me knock knock jokes. He wants to ride on the Amtrak because that is how he remembers me and his siblings leaving. I looked it up again last night and I found that 3 one way tickets out of Flagstaff are a total of $542, so I am shooting for that. even if I have to pay rent late this month, that is what I am going to do. It will be a long, stressful trip with two little boys, but once I get there, we will sort it out and I think once we are together again, it will all work out.

Dear Roger:Priorities

I am not one to just sit back and let things happen. The minute my ex said I could have my sons back, I started working on the,"How" of getting them up here. I may be a, "Micro-managing bitch" as he has called me, but I do not like to leave anything to happenstance. I am also not good at asking for help. If not for my friends, I would not be trying to get people to help me, and I would be selling everything I own in order to raise the money to get there. I still have a contingency plan to do that. I asked my ex to photograph my Keen Cutter advertising print and even though I love it, I will sell it to raise the money.

My sis tells me my parents were only interested in getting my things from my house before my ex loses it. That is not happening. I will have my things put into storage and shipped to me slowly before I allow them to be taken back to Texas to be peed on by animals or thrown in a garage and forgotten, or given to my mothers,'adopted" daughter in Arizona. That just made me angry, and I wish my sis hadn't told them anything. My friends will help me get my things, and they will make sure they get where they need to be. My children are the primary concern.

I finally overloaded on stress a bit yesterday and took a bit of an unexpected nap in the floor for a few hours. I just remember feeling really weary and dizzy and the next thing I know I was looking at my boss who was asking me if it was okay if she wrote that I was an ex-cop in the complex newsletter. Son tells me I laid in the floor, deeply asleep for around 3 hours. He said he wasn't worried because I was breathing and occasionally muttering in my sleep. Its good to know the boy doesn't freak out about his mother laying unconscious in the floor! I think it was just because I hadn't eaten properly for a couple of days, I was worn out, stressed out and I just needed to shut down for a bit. I felt like I had a hangover afterwards, and I ended up going to bed early last night.

My daughter is really excited that her brothers are going to be here. She has been buzzing around, talking about tea parties and going to the park and all kinds of fun that she can have with them. She has missed her brother Conner the most. Because of the Downs Syndrome, he is closest to her in size and he is always willing to play with her without being unhappy about getting dressed up or being told hes now a monkey or a puppy or something. The often had very cute and creative games that they played. Getting Conner here sooner than later will put my mind at ease, I know he will need a good medical check up and probably a lot of dental work. His father has been supposed to take him for weeks and hasn't had the time, so I will get that done. He will have to have a 1:1 aide for school and the bus, both boys are going to have to have clothes and shoes and school supplies because he told me yesterday that they have nothing. Im going to be broke financially forever, but for the first time in over a year, I am going to be the richest woman alive, my boys are coming HOME.