When that rag tag lil rock star she loves so much looked tired and weary and then got an insulting,"award" the other day, she cried for him. I found her curled up in my bed snuggled up her stuffed monkey,"Jackson" with tears rolling down her cheeks, patting is little head saying, "Its okay, it will be okay." It broke my damn heart. The child spent two hours drawing that boy a birthday card and never heard nothing back, but her love never wavered, because that is how she is. She gives and gives and gives and loves honest and true, no matter what. She prays for the boys in that band, every, single night, just like she does for her family and friends.
I dont have to threaten to punish her for not feeding her cat, she feels so guilty for him going hungry that I often feel bad for not just handling it myself. She says,"Hello" to people or waves, trying to make peoples day better, even if they just walk on by and ignore her. She offers to share her stuff and she cares about people, even when they dont deserve it.
I dont know why she is the way she is. She was raised in horrible circumstances. She was in the room when her father took the straight razor to me. She witnessed so much violence and trauma and all the ugliness that goes along with growing up in a household with domestic violence. She has no grandparents that give a damn about her. Her father fails her over and over again. He sent her nothing for Christmas, not even a card for the last couple of years and though he said he was going to send her a nice birthday present, already he is making excuses and I know that means that her trips to the mailbox with me will just result in disappointment. The men in her life fail her,with the one exception, and he is just a distant hero that is idealized and someone she sees on tv from time to time. I worry about what that means for her in the future, but knowing her, she will persevere and become an amazing person with just his influence from afar.
She is a brilliant child, and I do not say that lightly. She is smarter than I was at her age. She is reading so far above grade level that they aren't quite sure what to do with her, so they put her helping to teach the slower kids. Her teacher has declared her a,"natural teacher", and that is all well and good, but I want her be what ever she wants to be, and she loves art and music and dancing.
I wish I could afford the music and dance lessons she begs for on a daily basis, I have a feeling she is a prodigy, but she is anchored by her circumstances.
Her test results for the gifted program should be in soon, and I hope then that someone will her her small voice in the wilderness and pull her up out of the quagmire that is our lives, she is an angel and she deserves to fly.
She turns 7 this week, and even though it will be a small and quiet celebration, it will be enormous in my heart. I do my best for her, she makes me try harder and want to stick around.
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