I have cut off almost all my connections with my friends and family. I haven't spoken to my parents in about a month, my sister briefly a few days ago, and I hadn't spoken to my friend Sus for a couple of weeks before yesterday when she pretty much forced me to talk to her. I lost my best friend due to my own stupidity and I cut myself off from the one online community that I used to love to hang out at because I couldn't deal with the bitchiness, but its not like anyone even noticed I was gone. I post on my Facebook page and no one ever talks to me, I feel invisible and as my invisibility grows, so does my sense of disconnection with the world. More people I love are dead than alive and that is a horrible place to be.
My son and I had a horrible fight last night and I dont know what to do about it. He needs a man to talk to about these things and I failed him in that and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. The counselor picked up on many of these things as I was talking to her, and she prodded me about my past and my selection of men and my poor choices. Its the self-destructive bent that I have always had that led to so many of my problems and has brought me to the point I am at now. My lack of closeness with my parents, my anger at them for how they treated my grandparents, and how they suck as grandparents themselves. There is just so much wrong that I dont even know where to start looking for the right. I dont have a job, and the counselor is concerned that my PTSD and other issues could make going back into Public Safety problematic, but I am not the type to work in an office or sit at a desk. I just dont function well in that world. I am supposed to go see my doctor and get referred to a counselor for more work on my PTSD because I guess I am still having some problems, but I am so tired of dealing with it. Talking about it just makes it worse, I get angry and stressed and then I stop sleeping again and its just a vicious cycle. There is no one I can really talk to or relate to, and even though I have tried to reach out before to people in the online community I belonged to for awhile, its hard to make connections with people who have no idea what its like to have a straight razor at their throat in front of their children, or a gun to their head while they try to talk the man who supposedly loved them down. No one knows what it feels like to walk away from everything, including two of your children, the shame that I live with every day, and the self doubt. What it feels like to have to constantly tell my small daughter no, we cant afford it when she asks for some small trinket. What it feels like to not be able to get a decent job because I dont even have a fucking car! I am an adult and for the first time in my life I dont have a car. When my son got hurt at school I couldn't even go pick him up and take him to the hospital because I didn't have a vehicle or the money for a cab. I had to call around to try and find a friend to drive me and finally Sus called a friend of hers who drove me, it was humiliating.
I cant find my joy, Rog. I feel like I am buried and cant dig my way out of it. Daughters birthday is next week and all she wants is a monkey shaped cake and to invite her favorite monkey man to her party, yet I cant even pull my head out of my ass enough to even try to formulate a plan to fake a good reason why he wont be there.
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