Dear Rog, Im 41 Going on 14, I think Its Called a Midlife Crisis.

So, im owning the fact I am little bit freaked out about being officially middle-aged, or in the case of our familys history, probably one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel! I mean WTF, you left me at 45, Granpa died at 64, Robert at 43, and Ive danced with death 4 times now and I think I scared him off but Hell, you know I LOVE to dance on the edge.
Im getting that skin-crawling, gotta go now! feeling. I want to be out seeing and doing and going, and those thoughts of just taking that step off the main highway and back out into the wilderness is gnawning at me.The endless days of playing the good little soccer mom from hell are starting to eat me, and its showing in more than a few ways. My temper has gotten shorter and I havent found an outlet for it, and that makes life hell for me and those around me. I have been writing more than usual, and listening to music until I cant take anymore, but I havent touched the guitar in weeks, and I still havent found a piano for the kids to start learning on, so I guess im just rattling around in my head too much without anything physical to ease the stress.
My oldest boy gets home in a few more weeks and I am looking forward to having him around to nag me into doing things like working on the damn van and my yard,(place looks like whats left after a tornado hits a trailer park), so I am not totally mortified when folks come by to visit, though if I keep it up with the surround sound and the music blasting with the occasional werewolf growl thrown in, I may not have too many folks coming around.I managed to clear the crowd of extraneous dogs and children away from my front gate this afternoon by turning up one of the Underworld trilogy movies, my dogs not only left for the back part of the pasture, the neighbor kids and their dog hauled ass home looking back over their shoulders like a chupacabra was on their tail, I about fell out of my chair laughing.
Did my little spiel at the Community Action Board meeting today, and it was well received, in fact, they want me to develop a Facebook page and then coach them through Twitter,(I barely understand that one myself), and then be in charge of it. I have time for that right now, but in the Fall I am going to be taking 12-15 hours o graduate level cousework and hopefully teaching a class or two, and I just dont know if I can committ the time for it. I love volunteering for them, and its nice to be around people who find me interesting and actually capable of doing something, but I have also had some epic arguments with others in that department and they dont like having legal precedent and case law and that kind of stuff thrown at them, so I may have to find a second to run things if I get my Southern up like I did when I was a paid employee.
It was another cold, windy, day up here and because I had to go to my formal meeting and present, I dressed in my finest black jeans and my black banded collar shirt and I made sure all the tattoos were covered, though I did finally break down and wear my damn glasses, so it kinda skewed the whole look into the East German touist vibe again,and that is not conducive to meeting any elgible males. The young fella that I am interested in was a work all day, and my shcedule was all messed up, so it appears that it is going to be a chronic case of the forces moving against us. I did go turn in the rest of the papers over the University to get my funding reinstated, but I am not going to go this Summer, I want the chance to travel, and if I do get the opportunity I dont want classes to hold me back.
I think I need to get more exercise.I am skinny as hell and the size 1 jeans fit me fine other than I do not get why jeans makers feel the need to cut the waist so damn low! I really dont enjoy having my backside in the wind up here, and if I have to squat down or work on something where I am hunkered down, it never fails that one of the dang kids drops something cold down the coin slot or tries to give me a wedgie! Im 41 years old, I am the wedgie inflicter, not the receiver!
Looks like its going to be a summer of taking the kids to movies just about every dang week. They were so excited to see an ad for The Last Airbender, they came running into the living room whooping and hollaring and they jumped on me and knocked my dang chair over backwards! Then they started ,'Earthbending" and "Air Bending" and staging mock battles in the lving room,(makes it really damn hard to write), and telling me that I had to take them. Stubby is all bummed that his dad shaved off his ,"Sokka Doo", I dont think he could stand the fact that I could and did, comb it into a wicked mohawk for the kid on occasion and it was adorable, but with the way Stubbys hair curls forward, it was getting to be a pain and I guess he just found it easier. Sticky really misses his, and he seems to be cussing and growling a lot more than usual, and he damn sure is fighting me over what he is going to wear every day, it took all I had to get him in clean underwear and shoes today, but I won and he was pissed and we ended up having a brawl in the back of the van on the way to school because Stevie dared to sing along with the 100 Monkeys song that Sticky has claimed as his,(Reaper), and he yelled at her to shut up and she threw a book at him and he just went for her, and the next thing you know, all three of them were rolling around in the back of the van, kicking,spitting, throwing punches and acting like a pack of wild animals. I had to pull over and threaten to seatbelt check the lot of them, so its no wonder that some mornings I get up, make my coffee, go sit on the porch and contemplate a vacation, but with the oldest coming home, I can only hope it will get better. I think he finds me to be a decent mom, I mean not too many of friends are willing to listen to the music he listens to most of the time,(emo/screamo),but I try and I show him some of my stuff and we have things to talk about, but we also have things to argue about.Considering I am pretty liberal when it comes to a grown ass persons choice of ,"Partners",I would ahve thought that my son would have developed a fairly calm attitude about me giving up on guys my age, but he is adamant that I should,"Act my age" and not even look at the younger set,but he has no problem with men dating younger women. Im sure we will have some interesting debates when he gets home, but until then I am going to try and raise myself out of this lethargy and get out and do something worthwhile.