Dear Roger,Middle Aged Crazy and Chasing Boys

Okay, it officially sucks being single.Summer is almost here and I want to be out running around on a motorcycle or a horse, instead I am sitting home most days reading soft-core Twilight Fan Fic porn and butlering for my dogs. The kids will be out of school in a few days, my oldest will be home from Texas, and my prospects for getting any fine monkey loving is fading as fast as my bank accounts balance.Its just not fair! My guinea pigs are getting more action than I have in the last couple of years, and they are both male! The kids are all bummed because they will miss their friends/girlfriends/boyfriends,(my baby girl has no less than 4 little suitors)and Stubby and Sticky have a few each as well. I have no male companionship, none, zip, nada! Its just not right, I work hard to stay in shape, and not to brag, but Im a freaking size ONE! my girly bits are all where they should be, and im still rocking a,"D" if you know what I mean, but all guys will do is look! I am going my best to be non-intimidating, I smile, I make small talk and I dont correct their grammar or anyhthing else, I let them think they are smarter than me or more capable than me, but even that doesnt seem to tone it down. I have tried tattoos covered, tattoos uncovered, jewelry, no jewelry, I wear tight jeans and I fix my hair and I dont look like a scrub, and I even turn down my music when I am driving, and I havent called anyone a,'Pinheaded Jackass" in a few weeks and I have only yelled at one Prius driving idiot that was doing 10mph on a road that was clearly ment for people to do 50 or better on,(okay, I do still drive like a road-raging asshole, but I cant fix everything)and my van is pretty embarassing so that just irks me and puts me in a mood.
My options for getting out are starting to narrow pretty quickly, once the kids are out of school, Im pretty well screwed because I will most likely have them 24/7 until school starts back up. I am planning on trying to get out on weekends when the ex is around, but even that gets awkward because if I did find someone, I would have to arrange meetings at my house around that complication.im frustrated, stressed, horny, and aggravated and I dont know what to do about it. Other than investing heavily in duracell,(and even that is difficult with 3 monkeys that can pick locks running loose)and nothing kills the mood like the sounds of a child either barfing or sneaking into the kitchen to steal from my chocolate stash.I need privacy, motivation, and peace, but none of that is going to happen any time soon and its starting to get to me.
Im not even allowed to comment about younger men, even cute one from the movies that are just sooo pretty, because my kids like to remind me,'Ohh, he looks like Chance"(definate mood killer), or the ever snarky,"Arent you old enough to be his mom?" and then the ever popular,'GROOOOOSSSS MOM, hes almost half your age!!", Im mean JEESH! its not like im ever going to meet any of them, but my kids cant stand me even drooling over them and its making me feel OLD, and that is not cool.
I do get looks, and even comments of a favorable nature, but guys seem to vapor lock when it comes to doing anything substantial, and its really hard to meet guys when your days consist of dropping off children, cleaning house, trying to write, and then picking up children coming home and cooking dinner.
I am seriously considering getting my EMT/Paramedic back so I can get out and do something that I love to do and perhaps meet people that I would get on well with. I had considered looking into volunteering with the local sheriffs dept, but that would just remind me that I miss being a cop, and then all kinds of crazy ideas about getting my badge back and all that start to float around in my head, so its best that I probably avoid as much of that world as possible. I just need to be busy and productive until my Masters starts back up in August, so I will just have to sit tight and try to find something that I enjoy besides sitting around and watching Mixed Martial Arts and Cage fighting, its just not a healthy thing.
Im thinking about buying a motorcycle or a horse, just so I have something as a distraction, but until then I will have to just try and make sure there is time for cold showers.