Dear Roger,Crash and Burn...Me?Just Ignore That Twitching Thing

Okay, I think my stress level is getting a little high. School is finally out for the kids and they are now home constantly and they are demanding things I cannot provide.Money is tight, I dont have a job, their father is not capable of providing much in the way of substantial support,and resources are limited,so we are going to be stuck close to home.I am trying to make sure they have some goodies,and I try to make sure they can go outside and play and get out, but they just want 10 million other things that little kids just want and it drives me nuts because they resent me for refusing it.
Bills are piling up as the results of the end of winter finally hit and two heating bills of over $300 each just kicked my ass, on top of buying firewood and the substantial electric bills and gasoline bills and all the other bullshit that has kicked me, and to top it all off, I had an acute gallbladder attack that knocked me on my ass.
To say it was painful is an understatement.I have had broken bones,and I have lived with pain for years from damaged discs in my spine,broken teeth,and all sorts of injuries that would put other people in the hospital, but this was like having a knife jammed in my lower back under my ribs and then having someone saw it back and forth while someone else sat a burning weight on my chest so I could not get a deep breath.It was a burning,tearing sensation and I thought it was game on for either a anuerysm like what took you out, or appendicitis.With the family history, I figured it was best not to screw around,and since I couldnt breath so well, I decided I better go to the emergency room and at least make sure I didnt drop dead at home in front of the kids. I drove my ass up there which was my first mistake, because in our podunk, ass backwards thinking ER, if you can drive, you must be fine so your ass sits. I sat in there waiting room in agony, with a blood pressure of 142/92 and a pulse of 144 for 3 hours while they treated drunks and people with broken toes.I finally decided that I would rather come home and hurt like hell in my own best than sit in their uncomfortable ass chairs and listen to some drunk woman fart and laugh all night. I passed out in my bed around 4 am and the ex came and took care of the kids while I slept and gutted out the misery. I have to tell you, it took a lot out of me and it seemed to be a tipping point for me health wise.
I have carefully controlled my little neuro issues for years.My headaches often get the better of me, but then Suicide Migraines are uncontrollable beasts that thwart most medical intervention short of the shots to the base of the skull and that is something I am considering getting done this summer. I have taken the maximum dosage of the medication that controlls my little seizure issue and it has helped with the insomnia and my other issue, which is a Touretts-like issue.I dont bark or anything like that,I clench my jaw,roll my shoulders and clench my fist, bite my lip and sometimes punch inantimate objects like walls or trucks, or in otherwords I look like Im spoiling for a fight and often I get one. Its a very inconveniant manifestation of the issue, and considering I barely make 5'feet tall and 105lbs, when I am really stressed and I walk around clenched up and rolling my shoulders like I am going to hit something, people tend to think me a bit insane, and truthfully lately I do not blame them.WHen I was a kid I would shudder and shake like a rabid dog and I do have a bit of a head jerk at times when I am really stressed, and what is getting to me is that the jaw clench and head jerk have been manifesting quite a bit lately and I nearly put my fist through the living room wall today. I have a constant low back ache from the gall bladder issue and I know its probably going to have to come out, much like it did for my sis and mom and 3 of my grandparents, and that means being incapacitated and on pain meds which I hate.
As a writer, I only take what I absolutely have to take, nothing more, nothing less, and from time to time I try to drop off and drop down the amount of the seizure medications because they supress my ability to write. It worries me that I am on the maximum amount of right now and they would have to put me on something different if it quits working all together, because some medications kill artistic ability and I would rather twitch and punch a few walls than not be able to write. Its not like im having an active social life anyway. I want to get out and decompress for a bit, but it doesnt look like that is going to happen.
My eldest son is due home in two weeks and I know he is not happy to be returning to Flagstaff, and I cannot say I blame him. I wish I could provide him an opportunity for a change,and a chance to stayin Texas, but it seem that all is just out of reach.I was even willing to walk away from it all and allow the ex to take over the property and children for the summer, but even with the substantially lower than market value mortage, it being fully furnished and everything being ready to go and even a vehicle being provided, he cannot seem to manage it without me paying the bills and leaving myself with no way to leave.Its very frustrating and dishearting and I feel like a rat in a cage and im starting to snap at everyone and the twitches are the just the tip of the iceberg.