Dear Roger: Boys and Communication Skills-Two of These Things Dont Go Together

My son was in such a mood last night! It really kinda ticked me off because it wasn't fair. He had gotten to go out with his friends, including his girlfriend, he had money in his pocket that I really couldn't spare that he had been able to spend, and he had been off sledding up on Mt Hood after spending time at the mall just hanging out being a kid. I hadn't hassled him about homework or anything. He had come home to a clean house,(including his room)and that was enough of a disgusting disaster area that I should have been pissed beyond belief myself, but I had also cooked a nice dinner. He had been asked for nothing and given much. So he should have been just about shitting rainbows and all Mary sunshine. But no, he was surly and hateful and treated me like I was bothering him when I tried to talk to him. I was starved for adult conversation with a real life human being. I had not had a casual human conversation with another person in a couple of days and I was getting a bit buggy. Mind you, the internet is fine for most casual conversations, but I am a Texan, and a Southerner so body language and gestures as well as inflection and the ability to get up and move around kinda play a part in the whole conversation thing, so sitting at a computer and typing just isn't as satisfying. I was starving to talk to someone! When he came in and dumped off all his gear in the dining room, I didn't even start a fight with him. Hell, I was glad to see him and glad to have someone to talk to! I put his stuff away and I went and knocked on the door to his room. I could already hear the noise of alerts on his computer which told me he was talking to his girlfriend who he had just left.

He answered the door and said,'What? What do you want?" I was a bit taken aback at the rude tone of his voice, after all, he had just gotten home! I said,"How was the trip?" He scoffed and said," It was ridiculous and I dont want to talk about it, now can I go please?" I was shocked. He had just gotten home and I was looking forward to talking to him and he was shutting me out. So I said,"Let me guess, You are fighting with your girlfriend or your buddies so I get to suffer? Nice...thanks a lot son." I turned and shut the door behind me and I went into the kitchen and started finishing up dinner. I could hear him in his room obviously arguing about something and ranting about some stupid thing that will have him in a surly mood for a week. I served dinner to my daughter and tapped on his door and let him know it was ready, but I wasn't kissing his ass anymore. He knew he had already messed up and until he came out and apologized, it was not going to be good around us.He knows I dont put up with it because its not fair to make me and his sister suffer because he and his friends are having problems they cant seem to sort out. I refuse to let sleeping dogs lie. I will force him to talk about it eventually and I invoke interrogation skills that I learned as a cop and as a teacher and in a couple of decades as a mom. He sulked in his room for a little bit longer and then he came out and he did what he knew was required, what I have always required of him since he was a little boy. He stood in front of me and he apologized." Mom, I'm sorry I was rude and a jerk when I got home. I was having an argument with my girlfriend over I dont even know what and I took it out on you and that wasn't fair to take out on you.It was a dick move and I was wrong." Being able to apologize hasn't always been easy for him, but he has discovered that it has earned him respect from adults and other kids because they see him as a man who is capable of admitting when he was wrong. Thats a hard thing to do and I struggled with it myself when I was younger and I wanted to help him avoid all that pain, so I taught him to always admit his mistakes and stand up and own them and apologize, but to never stand for being abused.

My son knows I wont ever stand for it again. Sometimes I choose to walk away from a fight rather than engage in one, but I will not be brow beaten or abused ever again and I have taught my son to never take abuse and denigration from anyone. We actually got to talking about it again last night when an actor who is infamous for browbeating another human being in such a heinous manner that it made the evening news, won an award. I wont watch movies that the actor is in. I wont support anything he is involved in. The guy is a bully and a jerk and I have no use for him and my son asked me what I would have done if I had been on the receiving end of that kind of rant. "Dental Work" . No job, nothing. Is worth taking that kind of abuse and I told my son that. I have my dignity, my pride and my ego and I would prefer all of them to remain intact rather than to lose them at the price of a few dollars and I know my son heard that message loud and clear when he stood up to his step-father that day.

My son came out and apologized to me for his behavior, and I asked him what the issue was between him and his friends,and he groaned in frustration," I was talking to some other girls and apparently on friend likes one of those girls and my girlfriend knows that one of those girls like me and she didn't like me talking to her and now they are both men so I am apparently NOT allowed to talk to other people!" I laughed at him because he seemed so frustrated at the High School drama and all the insanity of the teen minds when he has been through so many adult situations and is actually very mature compared to many of his friends. 'What the hell is wrong with people, they act so damn stupid always obsessed about partying and they think their world is ending if they cant go skiiing!" My son is a funny kid, he is getting more serious about school and getting in shape as well as practicing his guitar and while there are days when he thinks he has it way worse than most kids his age, he knows that he is actually doing pretty good. He has friends, (though they may drive him crazy), he is a healthy and good looking kid that has girls and a couple of boys(and the fact that he is okay with this still freaks me out)following him around and even home, hes talented and smart and adults like him and comment on the fact that he will stand up and do the right thing. He has his moments when he is still an irritable, surly, smelly, hairy, weird, teen, but for the most part he is turning into a hell of a young MAN that I am very proud of.