It would have been more terrifying to stay, and likely someone would be dead, but shit happens and I boarded that train with my kids and those tickets and that wall changed into a path into the sunshine,(really a weird analogy considering this is Portland and it RAINS all the fucking time), but that day, that splendid day in the sunshine, that weird lil fella and his band changed things for me. I was a stuttering mess who couldnt even have a conversation with a man, or most other, real life, HUMAN beings, much less ones that were charismatic as a Pentecostal Preacher full of the spirit on rapture day,and as handsome as any man I have ever seen, but to be kind to my kid on top of it and patient with me when I stuttered and mumbled out my request? Fuck me running... I was owned hard core for a long time.
The joy and happiness and gratitude has kept me afloat and kept my little family going and laughing in some tough damn times up here away from everything we knew. I have missed my sons, Texas, my dog, having a car, and often I have thought about giving up and going back to AZ and facing whatever my fate would be there just so it wouldnt be so damn hard up here all alone, but then I would think about just how far we have come, and that joy we wouldnt have had. The fact that I have been moving forward, my path to the sunshine that points forward, never backwards, reminds me that I cannot quit.
I have stepped further along my path in the past couple of weeks. I have made some more progress that I thought I could not make. I have actual, real life friends that I have been hanging out with on what is getting to be a regular basis. I have a couple of grown women friends, Sus of course and another friend that I need to get to know better who seems to be an awesome chick, but there are a couple of gals that like the same weird lil band and we get together and talk and giggle about them and the music and we just get out.
That led to the next step along the path, I started going out by myself to a coffee shop and hanging out and watching people and trying to socialize, especially with men. I have longed to find company of the manly type for quite a while, but I am just so damn misanthropic and shy, that its difficult for me to figure out how to meet a guy without freaking him out. Well, yesterday, a guy came into the shop who took my breath away pretty much like the cute lil fella did. That dimpled, charm and charisma with those bright eyes are just deadly! This wasn't a very big fella either, probably no more than 5'7 and I was just flat twitterpated when he walked past me to the counter. The barista knew him and spoke to him. When he sat down, we exchanged glances back and forth and smiles until it reached the point I was an absolute disaster.He finally left and then my friend and I left and I walked around for awhile. We came back later and I decided to ask the barista who he was. You know you are in Portland when you describe a guy perfectly, so perfectly that the FBI could have had him picked up and prone in less than 5 minutes, yet the guy didn't figure out who I was talking about until I said,"He REALLY wore his jeans." Then the guy knew who I as talking about and he said,"OH thats so and so hes in here all the time."
So I had his name, and I was smitten. The first time I have been smitten by a guy that is actually, possibly attainable to me. It made me giddy feeling and I walked home that day feeling like I was walking on air.
Today I went back to that shop, and I sat and drank my coffee and I decided to see if he came back in. He did, as I was leaving with my friends to go to a different restaurant for lunch! I died inside, it was fates cruel hand I thought, but with encouragement and harassment I decided to go back over to the coffee shop,(pretending to look for a lost key) to see if I could find the nerve to talk to him. He smiled and spoke to ME! I stammered, I gasped! I took on his accent ala "Eastern Promises" I said I was looking for a key and then promptly showed him my key chain that was in my hand. He smiled at me and directed me to the counter where maybe the staff had the missing key. I fled with my obtained accent while his dimples shined at me through the window.
My friends and the waitress were relentless. A note was written saying that I had forgotten to ask him to coffee while I was looking for the key. My number was included. The intrepid waitress snagged the note and description of her quarry in mind, she did me a great service.
This evening, as I was sitting in my room watching the latest video of my lil cuties that set me on my path, a text came into my phone,"How did you know my name?"
We just finished up a long strange conversation that covered things like ,"Monkeys,keys,paths, courage and accents that strangely surface at odd times." He is younger than me. He is very, very,cute. He has a sense of humor. He doesn't speak English so good, and thats okay, he doesn't need to , because I dont know what part of my path he is, but I do know I have a date for the first time in a long damn time and hopefully, though not tonight, its going to lead to a hell of a lot more than a pat on the shoulder that leaves me staggering and hopefully him too.
The lil cutie that got me here is still my touchstone, but im able to get further and further down the path away before I have to go back and thats a good thing. I will always remember, but it feels nice to stand on my on just a little, even if I am pretty wobbly and talking funny.
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