Dear Roger; Dont Mind Me, I'm Just Having A Pity Party of One

I hate the holidays. There, I said it, out loud,(snort!) if you know why I snorted you are as big of a dork as I am so shut the hell up. You want to know why I hate the holidays? Well? Do ya? I bet you really dont, but you will humor me because you were always like that, you would listen to me rant and piss and moan about shit and then you would give me some sound and sage advice, call me "numbnuts" or "Futzface" or something like that and either punch me in the shoulder or muss up my hair and tell me to get over myself, because in the whole grand scheme of the great big universe, my problems weren't even a tiny little blip, and if I didn't let them eat me, maybe I could do something that would leave a blip someday. But I forget that advice when you aren't here to remind me this time of year. Things start to grind on me and when you have little kids its worse.

I trot out to the mailbox everyday, hoping against hope that we have some boon from nowhere, that we have gotten a card from the kids grandparents have come through and sent them cards or that friends have at least sent us their family Christmas letters telling us what a great year they have had or that some secret Santa sent us a card, but every day there is nothing. No brightly colored envelopes unless they are late notices or bills, and daughter has noticed. She asked me today, "How come we dont get cards at Christmas, doesn't anybody remember us or love us?" Holy Fuck, Rog! I just died inside a little. She is getting old enough to notice. We have almost nothing under the tree. We have the two presents she made at school and I managed to stash a plastic harmonica for her, and a pair of cheap sunglasses as well a a couple of really cheap things I got a few months back, but son is getting almost nothing. The check I have coming from work will have to pay for the damn washer and dryer payment on Friday or we will lose it, so I cant go buy him anything else, so he had a crappy birthday and is going to have a crappy Christmas. I tried local social service agencies, but I guess you have to have been expecting to be broke 3 months in advance or you have to be professionally poor because it was a waste of time. There will be no Marine corp Santas at our door step on Christmas.

I have been avoiding my usual websites and haunts because I just feel so damn out of touch with all the happy people talking about all the food and celebrations and parties. I haven't been to any, nor asked to any. I feel so damn isolated and alone its not even funny, and add to that how much I miss my other two sons and its just a recipe for a perfect storm of a really black depression. I am just lost and I dont even know what to do and thats a hard place for me to be, I am used to being able to fix things for my kids, riding to the rescue and pulling a miracle out of the shit at the last minute, and thats just not going to happen this year and I guess I am feeling like giving up. Daughter misses her brothers and said she wishes she was home in Flag with them, and as horrible as that felt to hear, I really cannot blame her. Son got to go with friends to the beach and he called and said he wants to stay longer, and I told him to go ahead because anything has got to be more fun than just sitting here listening to everyone on tv celebrating and seeing those around us happy and enjoying shopping and all the goodies when we are worrying about keeping the electric on through the end of the damn month.

I am not fit company for man nor beast at the current time, so I guess its good that me and daughter are here by ourselves, I just wish for her sake that for once in her life the holidays could be like she sees on tv and that what every one builds them up to be, instead of nothing but stressed out me and disappointment.