Dear Roger;I Think I Need Rehab For Adrenaline Addiction

I need the rush again. I find myself wandering through the channels on tv that have programs on them like ,"COPS" and I have been watching old sheriffs department training videos on youtube. I have been dreaming of the days when I was a cop or an EMT and I long for the days when I felt the rush of adrenaline on a pretty much daily basis. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase and the camaraderie of the team and all the excitement of either running a code or going on a call. It was always something different and the potential for danger was always there. I worked with guys and it was often a testosterone fueled environment where I was challenged to test myself and work harder and push myself to limits that even I didn't know I could meet. I miss the hanging out after, drinking beer and telling jokes and being part of a crew where I was treated as an equal because I acted as an equal. I never competed with the women because I didn't see them as my equals. So many of them that came through the departments were worried about appearances, or their hair or nails or they simply just could not hack it. I competed against guys, I worked, played, and fought with guys and I miss them. So many of them have moved on, left the fields we worked in, or even sadly died. Sometimes it feels like the best part of what is me has died. There is just no excitement or adrenaline in my life except for the small thrill I get when I finish a new chapter and post it or I see that I had over a thousand hits in a day on my stories, but beyond that, there is nothing. I miss the rush I used to get when I would have to get up and give a speech or presentation in front of an auditorium full of people. The last crowd I gave a speech to was over 350 people and I spoke for over 5 minutes which felt like forever, and got a standing ovation. I wish I hadn't gone so off the cuff with the speech, because it killed and I would have liked to have been able to use it again. It wasn't the same as kicking in a door and chasing after drug dealers, but it was still pretty exciting. I am going to try to get back into EMS once the damn holidays are finally over, I have to feed that beast because just sitting in an office would be slow death and there aren't many other options for me to feel the rush. I have quit drinking coffee for now, quit smoking for now, I couldn't get laid if I fell out of a chickens ass,I dont have a car so I cant go driving fast to scratch the itch, and I dont have a place to go shooting. Im like a walking bundle of tension and if I dont do something about it soon, something is going to explode and I have a feeling it just might be my head.