Dear Roger; The Ends and The Beginnings

Well the year is drawing to a close for us up here. We have made it almost 6 months up here on our own in the Northwest and it hasn't always been easy, but I think we are making some progress. We all seem to laugh and smile a lot more and I am waking up more days happy to still be here rather than wishing I hadn't woke up at all. I know that is a pretty shit attitude to admit to, but when your life was like the life I was living in Arizona, its kinda the brutal reality of the situation. I contemplated giving up more than a few times, and truthfully it was the fear of what would happen to my kids that kept me around. I dont worry about my kids so much anymore. They are doing good and we have all adapted. I still am glad for the distance from my ex. We maintain a peace that is best brokered over a long distance and I do worry a bit about this summer when I am forced to venture back to Arizona as part of the custody agreement, to let him see his daughter and so I can see my sons. I can only hope that the desire to see his child will make him behave, because I know that I will.

We are hanging in here as best we can financially. Money is always tight and we are always stressed about that, but with the new year, comes hope that I will be able to find a better job that actually pays a living wage. My son talks about getting a job, but he is only 15 and that is not going to happen. He needs to be focusing on his school and his guitar and just being a kid while he still can. He is my biggest expense, but that is to be expected, after all, he is growing like a weed and eats food like its free. He has finally found a type of music that really speaks to him and the way his face lights up as he hears a new song or he gets the chords down to one of his favorite songs from Spencer Bell, is something to behold. Its like he forgets all the bad things that have happened in his life and all the abuse and pain and deprivation just flow away from him and he is transformed into a boy just digging some music that makes him smile, until he misses a finger placement on a transition,(then he cusses), but its beautiful to behold and we have both had some wonderful conversations about things and laughed quite a bit. I enjoyed the hell out of pointing out that his new favorite song has the word , "boner" in it,he actually just shrugged and said,"Well, its a dudes song mom, duh!"

My writing is going well. I know I am not getting paid for it, yet, but thats not what matters to me. What matters to me is that I am writing again. I didn't think I would ever really be able to do it, to actually put stuff out there for public consumption and possibly ridicule. My reviews have been across the board fantastic and I have been floored. I got a review this morning that left me just sitting here dumbstruck, because I have never expected to be told I had "Serious talent" and that I "brought the Southern voice to life". This person went on to say that I made them "see the characters and feel their sense of isolation and longing to be loved and accepted." This wasn't some kid writing this review, this was a grown-assed, professional, educated, Southern woman, writing this about MY writing. Rog, I swear to God I had tears in my eyes. Who would have thought that someone would be saying things like that about my writing? Im still feeling pretty damn proud and if I had a printer I would be printing it out to frame and hang on my wall. Im going to have my ex dig out some of my art prints and photography that survived the great artistic hissy fit I threw and I am going to hang them up. I guess I need to show my son that yeah, artistry runs in his blood and I won awards for it, just like you did, so hes not some weird mutant by wanting to be a musician/actor(maybe the actor part)...except for his double-jointed thumbs thing, that has got to be mutant because that is just ...ewww!