Dear Roger: How Does An Under-Achiever Spawn Such Over-Achievers?

Well yesterday was quite an adventure. I decided to get out of the house and take care of some business that I had put off for a couple of weeks. The weather was typical Portland, one minute drizzling and overcast, the next sunshiny and warm. Its hard as hell to know what exactly to wear on days like that, so I went with my typical attire; jeans, boots, leather jacket with Woolrich hoodie and a hat. I walked the mile to the office I had to go to and took care of the business I needed to handle and then I decided to walk up to Fred Meyers to make some copies of a picture of my baby girl with young rock star that I have in my phone so that she would have it for her Christmas. Somewhere along the way I got distracted and took a wrong turn and I ended up walking all the way to Mt Hood College. That turned out to be a waste of time because they are in finals week and nobody is available to talk about anything, so I turned around and walked back up to Fred Meyers. It drizzled on me pretty much the entire time, but I didn't mind, like I said, I have gotten used to it. After I left Freds though, that is when the rain decided to get serious about things. I was midway home down Powell and somebody unzipped the damn sky! Out in the middle of an industrial type area, no place to get into, nothing to get under and boom! So I had to step it up and bit because I didn't want my iPod to get ruined, and I managed to get under an awning of a building. I was soaked to the bone and that wouldn't have been a problem, but I was wearing a new pair of jeans that were just a little big on me...with no belt. Wet jeans, a little large, no belt with no ass left in my pants. I ended up having to hold them up most of the walk home. They aren't huge, but they were loose enough to keep sliding down, and I have no desire to show the world my Victoria Secrets.

Got great news about my kids yesterday. My eldest daughter managed to get a full scholarship to any Texas state college. That means her tuition and fees are paid for the full four years! On top of the other scholarships she already has, and her grants and such, she wont have to take out a dime in student loans and that makes me soo damn happy! She will escape being a slave to student loans. She is such a smart kid and has such potential, I cant wait to see what she will decide to study. My parents keep trying to nudge her into things like being a nurse or a technician of some sort, and I think,"Screw that" she has had all AP classes, was an honors grad that had advanced Chem and Biology and Calc. she could go PreMed! Or Law school or anything, but she has to find her folly, not be pushed into something. I am just going to sit back and let her choose her path. My mother was discouraging her from taking Japanese as a language and I wanted to hit her, Leave the girl alone! If she wants to study Japanese, freaking let her, its her life. I studied Latin and I loved it. I had Spanish in High School and I HATED it, I resented being forced to study it and consequently I only speak Law Enforcement Spanish, but I can read Latin and I still have my Latin books. My parents can be so damn aggravating at times when it comes to their comments about what should and shouldn't be done.

My small daughter is getting some kind of award at a special assembly on Wednesday and she is getting tested for gifted and talented schooling. Her grades are outstanding and I actually had to fuss at her yesterday to quit reading and get dressed for school! She is a lot like me at that age, her nose in a book constantly, but she is very dramatic and outgoing and gregarious, unlike me at that age. She has quite a few friends and is very popular at her church and school, so I see bright things in her future. She is also a pretty hard core and tough kid, she discovered one of her teeth was loose and she worked and wiggled that thing and then just popped it the hell out on her own! I dont know too many 6 year old little girls that do stuff like that.

Stubby is in the spelling bee at his school. His grades are outstanding, when he turns in his work, but his teacher says he doesn't turn in his work most of the time. He is a bit on the lazy side, but when he is told to catch it up and is forced to sit and work on it, he is able to do it in about half the time as the other kids. He is reading at an 8th grade level and is also really damn smart and his interests are alot like my baby girls, he likes to draw and do art work and music, so I have tried to encourage the ex to make sure he has access to a musical instrument at all times. He was supposed to give him the mandolin that we had to leave, as well as look into making sure he was signed up for music lessons as soon as possible, and hopefully he will.

Soo, I have some damn smart kids. I am pretty lucky in that way, but I am so hopeful that they dont follow in my footsteps. I just never really achieved anything. I had the cover of a magazine at 17 with my photography and then I quit taking pictures and I burned my work. I had some stories and poetry published when I was in my mid20's and then I quit writing for over 10 years. I had more than 4 saves as a medic, that means more than 4 people are walking around in the world alive because of something I did. But then, there is someone who is dead because of something I did, so I quit. If I had not failed that boy on his test, he would not have been in his truck speeding to get to Phoenix to take the makeup test, he wouldn't have been in an accident and he wouldn't have died. I failed him, he died. I failed him as a teacher because he should have been better prepared for the test and then I wouldn't have had to fail him. Sitting at his funeral, (the last funeral I ever attended), I knew I couldn't bear that responsibility again, so I quit.

I have always set goals for myself that seemed hard to reach, then I would meet them and just stop. I wanted to be a cop, I made it then I quit. Wanted to be a firefighter, made it, then I quit. Wanted to be a medic, made it then I quit. Wanted to be a forensic investigator, made it and then I quit. Wanted to own a home, got it and then I gave it away. I am like to poster child for failed expectations and AD/HD. I dont know what I want to do now. I have thought about working to become a published author or songwriter, but I already have a few stories out on the web and they are doing pretty damn good and that makes me happy enough. I have debated going back in to being a medic. I was very good at that and it would provide a good living for me and the kids, so maybe my underachieving butt will finally stick with something long enough to make something of it.